don't speak.

chapter thirty-two

Lucas' legs waved in the air for a second before he tumbled in through the window. I quickly looked over my shoulder to make sure my mom hadn't heard him sneaking into the room before kneeling beside him to help him up. My fire escape was nowhere near as simple as Riley's – it required a fair amount of effort and agility to shimmy in and out of (which is why I'm almost certain that if I were to ever need to use it – I would surely die in the process).

"Did you bring it?" I looked at him expectantly as he peeled his backpack away from his shoulder. I leaned in as he slowly unzipped the bag – peaking both my anticipation and my annoyance. Finally, he pulled out a white cardboard box and I nearly ripped it out of his hands before bringing it over to my bed.

"Lucas Friar I love you!" I exclaimed while I tore into the pizza box, cramming as much of Dante's New York slice in my mouth as physically possible. I was sick of 'Katy Hart's Comfort Food Combinations' – because there are only so many soups a girl can eat before she wants a food she can actually chew. "No Riley today?" I asked, my mouth filled with pizza. Lucas shook his head,

"Not today. She's got that interview for a position at the vet's office remember?" I nodded along, still mainly focused on the pizza as I finished my first slice – wiping my hands on my pajama bottoms.

"Wasn't that supposed to be your thing?"

Lucas reached forward and wiped some sauce away from my lower lip with his thumb, "It used to be." Before I could add on he moved the pizza box to the night stand and started to pull me toward his chest, "Come here gorgeous." He motioned, wrapping his arms around me and laying down.

I propped my chin up on the dorsal side of my hands while I lay on top of him, "I'm going to be real honest with you." I spoke, watching as his mouth curved into the same lopsided grin all attractive guys have, "I have never been less attracted to you now give me my pizza." I reached out towards the box on the table.

"You love me." He mumbled into my hair.

"I do!" I leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips, "But I love pizza more."

Lucas groaned and rolled to the side, keeping me close to him so that we were both laying on our sides – our legs now tangled together. Lucas nestled his head into my hair and I felt his lips gently press against my neck.

"Lucas, my pizza!" I exclaimed, still reaching out for the meal. When I still didn't have a slice in my hand after a few seconds I placed both of my hands on Lucas' face and brought my own so close to his that he could smell my tragically fading pizza-breath – but not an inch closer. We stayed there for a moment, with my hands keeping his head still, until he final spoke.

"Are we going to stay like this all day or are you going to kiss me?"

"Oh? You mean you don't like it when something you want is right in front of you but you can't have it?" Lucas sighed and released me to go back to the pizza and I happily finished off three slices as he watched on.  When I set the box down Lucas picked up my hand and tries to bring me back to him.

"No no no. Maya is greasy. Maya has to wash her hands." I laughed as I walked into my bathroom, shutting the door behind me. When I took a look in the mirror it felt like I was taking the first breath I had all day. I wanted to trust Lucas. I wanted to be happy for Riley. I wanted to talk to Farkle. I wanted to do all of these things but it felt like my body was stopping me. Like there was hidden information that I was keeping from myself that should keep me from them – but I didn't know what it was.

Over the past year we'd gotten over so much together – this was surely our time to be normal. For me to be just a girl and for Lucas to be just a guy. But did I deserve normal anymore? Especially now that I was lying again? Making everyone believe I was fine? I was not fine. They turned their backs on me and I just let them back into my life as if nothing had changed. But something had changed. I changed. And there was this itching feeling that who I was didn't deserve them. Because they turned their backs on me to protect me, and I didn't deserve protection.

I leaned my head against the counter, my hands gathered all of my hair behind my head, and I tried to zero in on an individual thought. Shut up shut up shut up. I pleaded to all of the thoughts pelting around in my head as they told me to sprint outside and never look back, or erupt into a puddle on the floor. I splashed some cold water on my face as I focused at the task at hand. Just be you. I thought as I dried off my face, But not too much of you. Just be the you people want to see.

I opened up the door with a smile and ran straight to Lucas, kissing him in a vain attempt to erase every other thought but those involving our mouths tangled up together. He wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me closer to him and I clutched onto him like a drowning man does a life preserver.

The kiss melted away and I laid down beside him, Lucas curled his body around mine, draping his arm over my side and holding me close. I could feel his chest rise and fall with every breath and I wondered if he could feel the same of me – because I wondered if I was even breathing. Lucas' breath steadied as he started to drift off to sleep, in his subconscious daze he leaned forward and softly kissed my shoulder, muttering some gibberish I couldn't quite make out. But as he released himself to sleep, I lay rigid beside him. Knowing all too well that I didn't deserve his attention. The only thing I was worthy of was being alone.