don't speak.

chapter fourteen

           

"Excuse me?" I yelped as he went in close and grabbed hold of my waist, his hands touching my stomach, he pulled me back further into him and I started to scream. No no no – this can't be happening. I thought as the bitter taste of an episode approaching geared up in my body.

"Hey! Let her go!" I heard Lucas shout, it sounds like it's been screamed but I could only hear it as a murmur. Come to think of it my own yelps were muted. Finch hoisted me up above him despite my struggle and laughed,

"Come and get her Friar!" He cackled as I fought to catch my breath. I became suddenly very aware of the people watching, and the lights above us, and the closed doors. So much so that when I finally wriggled myself free, dropping to the ground with a thud, I couldn't move. I had become paralyzed in fear. An invisible predator grabbed hold of my throat and I coughed and sputtered trying to escape their grasp, struggling to get air in my lungs, but the air in the room had turned so thick it was like breathing in honey. I had to shut my eyes to make the world stop spinning, and even then I felt like throwing up. A pair of hands grabbed hold of my shoulders and I tried to shove them off, but I still couldn't move, I tried to scream – to yell get off of me. But even my tongue was lying limp in my mouth. My body jolted with vivid memories of touch. Of how he pinned me down, and pulled my hair to tilt my head back and open my mouth. Suddenly there was a mouth pressed against mine and the world stopped. I opened my eyes and saw Lucas looking at me.

"I'm sorry." He whispered breathlessly. I could still see the imprint of my lipstick on his mouth. "I'm sorry." He muttered again.

"I couldn't think of anything else to do, you were crying and I-"

I didn't respond. Instead I looked around, trying to figure out what was going on. There was paper crunching underneath me, and the lights were bright – but not an-episode-is-coming suffocating kind of bright, the bright that makes you blink a few times so you can see. My body was sore, and a tightness still lingered in my chest. I looked to the board behind Lucas on the wall and saw that he'd carried me into the nurse's office – and that he had a sizable bruise spreading across his cheek. Before thinking, I instinctively reached up and kissed it.

"I'm sorry." I whisper this now, letting my face hover close to his, cupping his face in my hands. Our mouths linked again, drawing together like magnets, and I am prepared for it this time. I ran my hands through his hair until they rested on the back of his head, pulling him closer to me. He does the same, starting with his hands on my waist until he wrapped his arms around me. We were locked together, fitting into each other like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and I never wanted it to end. When we finally pulled apart his face was riddled with worry. Lucas stepped back from me and for a minute I thought he was going to leave.

"What happened." He croaked out. I laughed and overly gestured with my arms flailing about,

"It was a kiss Lucas," I scoffed, "I'd imagine you know what that is?"

"No," He turned back to me and put a hand on my knee, causing me to feel a jolt of electricity, "What happened back there. You were completely gone to the rest of the world, you were shaking and I was terrified."

I looked down to my hands, trying to think of ways to work my way around this, when he lifted my face up to his. We were so close we may as well have been kissing, and I swear I could hear the air around us crackle.

"You don't want to know." I finally sighed.

"Try me."

My lips tingled as I longed for them to be pressed against his again. But I knew he wouldn't let this go – not with the spectacle I'd just put on. I let myself melt into his shoulder for a minute before pulling away to tell him everything. Everything, everything.

"That party we went to... a while ago, at Amanda's. Something happened." I nervously fussed around with my hair, "Someone.... Someone touched me. Well, they didn't just – they – Lucas." I burrowed my head in my hands, I didn't know how to explain it without him hating me.

"I drank something – I don't know what – and the world got kind of... hazy... and someone, some guy, brought me into a bedroom while I was on the way to meet you all at the front door and he –" I broke out into sobs, I couldn't finish. Part of me expected Lucas to rush over to me and hold me, or pull me into a hug or another world-dissolving kiss. Instead, when I looked up his face has gone hard and unmovable.

"Who was he." He asked, his voice was cold, and demanding.

"I don't know." I manage to choke out.

"You don't know? How could you not know?"

I only look at him. Lucas' expression immediately softened and he apologized about seven times too many. He enveloped me in a hug, shielding me from the world and I felt like I was in a bubble with him, but I wasn't trapped, I was home. He pulled back and brushed my hair behind my ears,

"Who else knows about this?"

"Just you."

I pretended not to notice the flicker of surprise I saw dance across his eyes.

"You need to tell someone about this, hey – hey." He pulled my attention back to him as I started thinking of a million reasons why I should not tell someone. "If you won't do it for yourself then do it for me. Okay? Promise me you'll get help."

Bubble popped.

"Okay." I reluctantly sighed, gently gnawing down on my lower lip. Talking to someone was that last thing I want to do about this. But I could see the silent pleas in his eyes – I recognized them because they carry the same muted desperation I saw in my mom's eyes after Kermit left. The ones that said please come back to me. And that's how I knew I needed to try.