don't speak.

chapter twenty-one

I can't help but look at them. They're clean. Okay, so they weren't clean but they weren't marked. I hadn't touched them. My wrists were healing. I was healing.

"Maya you almost ready to go?" My mom knocked on my door and I took one last look at myself in the mirror. I was wearing some jeans and a stripped crop top underneath Shawn's old, massive, jean jacket. I was finally dressing like me again.

"Yeah!" I quickly finished lacing up my converse and ran for the door where my mom was waiting for me. We were heading to the café together because I was going to hang out with my friends. Because that's what we normal soon-to-be-seniors do, we go to café's and we don't worry about anything but our next midterm.

When we got to the café mom rushed inside to start her shift but I hung outside for a minute. I knew Farkle was wrecked about what he did; Riley constantly made it a point to mention it to me. But I still couldn't look at him, not the same way I did before. He was inside next to Riley, as always, but he was laughing and for some reason that hurt me. He was fine. He didn't feel as responsible as I wanted him to. Maybe he just didn't care.

I shook my head, you'll be fine. I pushed in through the doors and everyone was still booming with laughter, I could tell some fellow coffee-drinkers were upset with the ruckus they were making; but I, for one, was excited to be a part of it. I slid in next to Lucas and kissed him on the cheek while he draped his arm over my shoulder.

"Did you hear Maria Willis got expelled?" Farkle took a sip out of his drink and I felt myself stiffen, "Apparently she got caught with – "

"Did she tell you that?"

"What?"

"Unless Maria told you why she's not at Abigail anymore I'd really prefer if we didn't talk about it." Farkle's smile dropped and his face flushed brighter than I'd ever seen it before.

"I-I'm sorry." He uttered out looking to his hands. I wanted to feel bad for him; but he clearly hadn't learned. Rumors are rumors – whether you start them or not.

After that I tried to keep myself quiet. I wasn't really in the mood to talk about recent assignments or what happened in last nights' episode of Daft Champions. But I felt like I was bringing the mood down, like everyone was over-thinking what they were saying – afraid that they'd offend me.

"I miss this." I piped up; trying to ease the tension out of the room. I looked at Farkle who had also kept himself from saying anything and I grabbed his hand, just because things were off didn't mean I didn't want to work to make them better. "I never got to hear about what happened after you won that space competition."

Farkle immediately smiled and turned towards me, "It was awesome. I was flown down to Florida where we toured the Cape Canaveral NASA space station. The other winners and I got to eat lunch with one of the astronauts and stand on the launch pad while they launched a satellite." I gave him my best, most endearing smile.

"That sounds great." I lie. What I want to say is, it's not like you couldn't afford it if you didn't win. But I don't. Because unlike Farkle Minkus, I know how to keep my mouth shut.

I stood up to get a drink and Zay walked with me to the counter, awkwardly and in silence.

"Don't you already have a drink?" I asked looking back to where his Americano sat on the table. He just leaned against the counter and looked at me.

"You don't talk about what happened to you much." I could only blink in response. Everyone was being so careful around me now – no one ever just talked about what happened anymore. "Did Lucas ever tell you why we moved up to New York? Did anyone ever think it was weird that his friend from Texas just happened to move to the same city."

I nervously picked at the skin on the side of my finger, "No, I guess we all just kind of went with it."

He nodded, "My mom and I moved in with Lucas and his family because we left Texas. My mom finally got sick of dad hitting us – and he finally got sick of me hitting him back."

"Oh Zay I'm so-"He held up his hand before I could even finish feeling sorry for him.

"Bad stuff happens all of the time. I know you haven't exactly had an easy life, and my shit isn't the same as yours, but you can talk to me. No judgement."

I pull him into a hug, instantly feeling sorry for ever feeling sorry for myself. Which I suppose is just a pointless loop of regret. "I love you, Z."

"I know." The corner of his mouth pulled up into a smirk and we walked back to our friends – empty handed. I'm grateful that he feels like he can talk to me, and that he wants me to talk to him. But above all I am grateful that he accepts my deflection.

"Did you not want anything? I could get it for you?" Lucas asked, both him and Riley already reaching for their wallets. I kissed the top of Riley's head and sat in-between them.

"I'm good." I smiled and grabbed both of their hands, "I'm good." I repeated, loving to the way it sounds when I mean it.