don't speak.

chapter sixteen

Imagine your worst fear.

Missing the winning shot. Falling over on stage and having your grannie panties captured on display and forever immortalized by video footage. Falling into a vat of spiders. Oblivion.

Now multiply that fear by twenty. Then by thirty. And then by a million.

Add more fans. More cameras pointed right at your bum. Have snakes slither out. Make yourself living but already forgotten to the world.

Right there.  That weight that drops in your stomach at just the thought of it? The heavy feeling of immobility? That's only the beginning of what I feel.

When I got to school it was everywhere. There were no more secrets. I was wearing some old jeans accompanied by a red flannel I'd buttoned up with three buttons undone at the top underneath a black hoodie that had the hood pulled up over a leather jacket. I could blend in anywhere. But still all of the eyes felt as though they were focused on me. I moved to pull my long blonde hair up into a ponytail and listen to what everyone is saying.

"Is it true? Do you think it was her?"

"I can't believe that happened to someone at this school!"

"Hey did you hear? A girl was raped."

There's that word again. I concentrated on the floor as I rushed off into the classroom. All they had were accusations, there wasn't a solid rumor yet. And still I was panicked that they knew it was me. As I stepped into the classroom all of my friends stood up. I wanted to rush immediately into Lucas' arms, to have him pull me back into our little bubble where the rest of the world didn't exist. But I turned to the side and saw Riley.

"Hey." She cooed. I looked down to make sure I wasn't wrapped around in bright yellow caution tape. The way they were all looking at me, it was as though they were afraid I was going to disappear right in front of them.

"Hey guys!" I my voice broke as I tried to force a laugh, "What's new?"

No one spoke. The moment I made eye contact with Farkle his eyes fled in the opposite direction, and I could tell this wasn't one of the things on the list of what he thought broke Maya Hart.

"Maya is it you?" Riley stepped forward, her eyes were red and her voice was shaking. But the only thing on my mind was how disappointing I felt, because I disappointed her. All I ever wanted to do was protect her from this, and I couldn't even do that.

"Of course it's me!" My voice shot up an octave, "Who else would I be? Missy? No I'm Maya!"

Riley bit down on the corner of her lip, "You know that's not what she means." Zay's voice came out as barely a whisper, and it suddenly hit me how difficult this must have been for them all. Family means everything to those guys – and I let them down.

Suddenly I felt trapped. They were all looking at me, looking for a definitive answer; and I didn't know what to tell them. I didn't even know if we were thinking the same things. Riley could have just as easily meant, is it you? Were you the girl who started the Abigail Hot or Not twitter account? Surely that's what she meant, because Lucas hadn't told her. I started to think I was just being silly and far too self-absorbed.

I turned and sat in my seat without answering their questions at the sound of Mr. Matthews slamming his brief case on the desk, and I made an effort not to notice how his eyes were fixated on me. I rest my head on the palm of my hand and looked out into the hallway.

And that's when I saw him.

Liam Faiteur.

I'd seen him in the hallways a million times before but today was different. It was almost as though I could cut his face out of that moment and paste it into every blank memory I had. He was sitting in the window, a few of his friends circled nearby, with a guitar leaning lazily against his chest. I felt the room shift, as if the axis of the world had shifted. I was right. I didn't want to know.

The words of Mr. Matthews lesson blur into muffled noises as I buried my head in my arms that were folded on my desk. Every time I blinked. Every time I closed my eyes. Every time I breathed; the completed memories came rushing back.

I remembered him walking behind me at the party and steadying me as colours twirled around me, and how he flicked his cigarette into a vase before bringing me into the bedroom – despite my saying I had elsewhere to be. Even the smallest details, like the way his mouth curled into a wry sneer as he held me to the bed, urging me to stop fighting because "it'd go faster if I didn't struggle", came flooding into my memory in a compilation of the 'greatest hits' of my worst night.

"Ms. Hart!" Mr. Matthews exclaimed from the front of the classroom, pulling my focus back to him. I looked over to the door, Liam is gone. He can't hurt me right now. My attention is then hauled back to Cory and I raise my eyebrows expectantly at him.

"Yes sir?"

"Do you remember what happened in 1875?"

I instinctively turned back to Farkle, knowing he had the answer, and I don't think he ever stopped watching me since the moment I walked in the room. The warning feeling of being under a microscope returns, and I'm not sure if I can shake it.

"I don't know sir." He answers without breaking his gaze. I started to wonder if he was even blinking.

After class I caught Farkle in the hallway and pulled him into one of the more abandoned locker bays in the Senior hallway. His face carried a hollow expression and there's a dullness to his eyes, as though the light inside has been snubbed out. I can't help feeling annoyed by this – after all, nothing happened to him. This was my trauma. My regret.

"Minkus you have to stop looking at me like some kind of wounded puppy. Look at me! I'm fine."

"I was there that night." He spoke without making eye contact with me – he was looking at me without even looking at me – and it broke my heart.

"We all met by the door after you found us. Lucas and Riley went looking for you while Zay started the car. I hung out by the door and saw you go into a room." He ran his hand nervously through his hair, "I thought you were grabbing a jacket or something. I went over to the door to walk you out to the car after I found Lucas and Riley but I heard that you were... busy." Farkle looked down to his hands.

"I was the one who told everyone. I started the rumours."

My heart stopped. I could feel the blood drain from my body as my heart began pumping rage throughout my veins. I couldn't believe this; he was my friend. I tried to talk myself down, I tried to keep myself from exploding on him. All I managed to rasp out are the words "you're wrong" before turning on my heel and walking in the opposite direction.