don't speak.

chapter seventeen

Breathe, Maya. Just breathe. I had to remind myself again and again while I looked at my reflection in the old cracked mirror I had leaned up against a wall in my bedroom. He knows and he still wants to be around you. He knows and he still wanted to meet with you. I was still dressing from the 'Katy Harts Blending In' collection so I had on a pair of her old high-waisted mom jeans from the 80's (which I had to cuff three or four times), and an old baggy grey t-shirt I tucked in at the front. It was simple, and I liked that.

"'Kay, mom I've gotta go!" I shouted as I grabbed my bag from the couch, forcing every thought I had about school, and Farkle, out of my head. Today was not one of the days I was going to allow myself to muddle in the past. But then again, it wouldn't be the first time I said that and was unsuccessful in keeping the past... past.

I shut the door behind me and made my way over to Dante's – which still has the best slice of pizza in the entire state of New York. They were another local business, a hidden treasure of New York. But every time I got the chance to go in I made a point to tell Regina that her families little diner would one day be a Big Apple must-see, or rather, a must-eat.

When I entered the diner the warmth swirled around me in a soft embrace – both calming me down and making me question whether wearing a grey t-shirt was the best option.

It only took a second to see Lucas sitting near the back with a menu in his hand, I took a moment to notice the way he furrowed his brow while going through the specials and the way he relaxed against the back of the booth before I walked over. The second I set my bag down across from him he looked up and smiled.

"Why don't you come over here?" He asked, sliding in further into the booth.

"Don't you think it's a little weird when two people sit on the same side of a bench?"

"Not at all." He beamed, patting the empty space next to him. I unenthusiastically moved my stuff over, making it a point to tell him that I was moving because I wanted to and not because he wanted me to. Our shoulders brushed against each other and rather than being struck with immediate panic a sense of calm washed over me. This was exactly what I needed.

"So what's good here?" Lucas flipped over the menu to scan the back. I looked at him as though my eyes were about to burst out of my head,

"You've never been to Dante's?" I couldn't suppress the judgmental tone in my voice. Lucas stared blankly at me in return. I took the menu out of his hands and placed it on the other side of the table, "You're getting a pizza." I said as more of a statement than a question. Lucas folded his arms across his chest,

"Oh am I?"

"And a milkshake." I smirked, matter-of-factly.

"Really?"

"Really." I insisted, leaning closer to his face. Just as his arms started to loosen and Lucas started to come closer to me I pulled away, "Or maybe a smoothie – whichever you prefer to be washing off later." I looked over at him out of the corner of my eye and I couldn't tell if I was melting at his smile, or his eyes. I know, I know – would you like some crisps with all of that cheese? But it's true.

"You know the smoothie wasn't that difficult to get out," Lucas started, but I couldn't focus in on what he was saying anymore. My eyes were tracking a stalky person with dark hair that curled just above their shoulders. I was watching as they set their guitar down on the seat next to theirs while two others took their seats at the table.

"Do you know him?" Lucas asked, pulling my attention back to him. I could already feel the palms of my hands become slick as my heart started to thrust around in my chest.

"Uh- yeah. I guess. I've seen him, around." I gulped and looked down to my hands. I anxiously pulled the sleeves of my shirt down as my recently marked wrists had become slightly exposed. I hated that I did it. I hated that I took that blade and decided to use it against myself. But even more than that I hated how numb I got at night. When no one was around for me to put on a show for – when I was alone. When you get like that, sometimes pain is the only reminder that you can still feel, even if you don't want it.

"Hey, look at me." Lucas cupped his hands around my face and brushed away a tear that I never even realized had fallen. "Don't look at him. Look at me." My eyes search his entire face until they settled on his eyes. His eyes were green; the kind of green that pushed its way through the piles of gritty snow to remind you that spring was coming. The kind of green that brings hope and life no matter what has happened.

"This can't work." I feel the words spill out of my mouth as I watch my own hands betray me and pull his away from my face, "There's Riley, and all of this drama around me, Maya Hart is damaged goods and you know it."

"Then today you're not Maya Hart!" His voice raised slightly, Lucas scooped up my hands in his, "Today we can forget about Riley and school and all of this drama. Today you can be just a girl and I can be just another guy. We can worry about all of that tomorrow."

I could see how badly he wanted to help. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to collapse into his arms like I'd done so many times before. But I couldn't. It was too overwhelming and there was no longer a comfort in his touch. Every part of him that wanted to save me felt like another pair of arms drowning me further. I pulled my hands from his and stuttered out an apology as I through down some money on the table even though we'd never ordered. I ran in slow motion, trying to sprint through molasses as I went past Liam's table, his gaze catching mine in a single second that was split into a million. Somewhere in the distance I could hear Lucas calling after me but he was too far, I couldn't stop and there was no turning back.

I'd convinced myself that there was nothing left for me there.

Breathe, Maya. Just breathe.

He doesn't know you.

No one does.