I'm giving up on you.

Too Late.

My head is throbbing, my eyes are full with tears. I never realised how much I would miss you until you were gone. 

Seeing you was like a slap in the face. Realising everything we had died like a rose without water. You couldn't even look at me. I couldn't even look at you. Everything within hurts unhappily.  I didn't even get a proper good bye. Not realising our last was our last. Not accepting and noticing how happy I was with your arms wrapped around my waist. Why did it have to end so badly, why did you leave? Why did I even push you away. If I could I would change everything. No matter how bad things ended up, I'm still hurt.

I'm still madly not over you. I have never felt like this and I don't understand why I am now but I care so much about you, I want to make things up to you but I know I can't. I've lost you for good, I would take you back in a heart beat. I understand that will never happen but everything I have done is because I love you and I want you to feel everything I feel. You've gotten it so easy. You don't react like I do, you're over things already. You don't care anymore. You just want to move on with your life and I want you to do that. I do. I just want you to know that I love you and that I'm sorry. I hope I can finally give up on you and truly accept there is nothing more I can say or do to change your mind. 

I realize now that making you jealous isn't any way to get you back. Flirting with people you hate, is honestly so immature and I'm pathetic for taking it that far. Flaunting boys in front of you is terrible. I know I'm jealous, I don't know any other words to put it. I'm jealous that you can continue going on with your life, with all the girls your friends with and forget about me. I envy that about you. I'm hurt. I need time, I know I told you that. I regret it so much.

Having a go at you for talking up one of my best friends, is no way of regaining your trust or friendship. I think I believe you now but some part of me knows you have changed and I'm the one who changed you. I miss the old shy you but I also loved the confident, overprotective person you were. It isn't fair that any of this had to happen this way. I get that I was the biggest bitch, I regret it. I do. I just want to describe everything I'm feeling to you but I know, you will diss or shun whatever I say.

You deserve better, you admitted that and I agreed. You think I treated you like shit, I'm sure I did. I'm sorry for that. I would of tried harder if I knew. I'm sorry I couldn't see you as often as we wanted, I don't want to make excuses for that but it's so hard sometimes. I said this to you in littler words but I want you to truly know that I miss you. I do. I miss you more then anyone I have lost. You were my best friend. We told each other everything. You know my biggest, darkest secrets and I know you can say the same about me. We had the best connection and the fact that we never cared what either of us did when we were together. I felt so comfortable around you, I even started to ease of one of my biggest habits because of you. I relaxed and let my guard down and you let yours down too.

Where is that boy that was afraid of even touching me? Where is the boy that would just sit there staring at me while I was fascinated by the movie we would watch? Where is that boy that would find every ounce of courage to hold my hand for the first time. I miss that boy that would just watch barbie movies with me and not be afraid to eat all the popcorn cause he loves it so much. I miss the boy that would just hug me out of no where and make me smile when ever he kissed me. I miss that boy who would take me out and just hold my hand without being asked. I miss the boy who wouldn't leave my side, I miss the boy who would message me the sweetest good morning and good night texts. I want that boy. I want that boy who would just let me trace the markings on his arms. I want the boy who would debate me about the hunger games. I want the boy who would always let me have his shoulder when I was tired or just needed confront. I want the boy that would tickle me until I couldn't quit laughing. I miss the boy who would just pull me closer when I was too far away for his liking. I miss that boy so dam much. I miss that boy. I miss him more then I can describe. I sit here writing all of this and I can't help happily crying. Remembering all the memories we shared together, all those times we would run around the house chasing each other cause we didn't want the other to see our baby pictures hanging on the wall. The times where we would get super competitive when we played each other in chess or on the PlayStation. I miss you so much. I'll never forget any of these memories. I'm not one to express myself very well but I just want you to know that I am so sorry that I didn't fight harder. I wanted to and if I could now, I promise I would. I promise, I swear on my life if I could have another chance I wouldn't go a day without seeing you but I know it's too late. And I'm so sorry that this is what it has come to.

I'm so sorry that we can't even look at each other. I know I can't without the fear of tears spilling from my eyes. I'm over confident. I'm way to cocky to show my true emotions but this is how I get things out. I relax myself and write. I know that no one will ever see this but I just wanted to let you know that I still love you and I'm sorry. Since yesterday, my hopes have died and if you ever read this, please don't let this hurt you. I would do anything to see you happier then what I saw. I need to grow up and accept that this is karma and you need better. I would do anything for you and I hope you know that. I'm just too immature to see the good and I took advantage of it when I should have treasured it. We fell apart. I tried to imagine what it would be like now if we had worked things out. Did we give up way to fast? I know that I pushed you away, it's what I do best. But we had some good times but I know they won't last forever, we are growing apart day by day and it hasn't got much better. It was good to see your face for that split second before I looked and hid and ran away. It's what I do best. I know that things won't change. I'm trying to figure out exactly what to say. I'm also trying to figure out exactly when things changed. I hold onto hope from the pictures we have but they don't mean anything anymore. Just two people who used to be. I shouldn't miss you but I do. 

I'm so sorry.