I'm giving up on you.

Change

Everything has changed. 

Me, being so convinced that your the one who changed, your the one who doomed this relationship with your unspoken sass and mood swings. Yes, that was apart of the reasons but so was myself. I couldn't see it until now. 

I've changed. I've changed for the worst but some say it's for the better. 

You know what? I don't have to tell you the truth. I want to and I will but you and me, we're complicated. I have no fucking idea what to do about you anymore or what to think. I literally spent an hour and more, thinking what to reply and this is the only thing coming to my head is to be frustrated and angry. I don't want to say sorry but I don't not want to either. I am completely stuck for words and it is annoying the crap out of me because I'm usually not someone who doesn't have a fight to say what their thinking.

When I was talking about this the other day, it made me wonder about how much my life has inflicted on something so stupid. How I have become a character from a book, I don't need a war to tell me or a war to pull me closer to you.

This is sounding so stupid but for the first time, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say, do I tell you I miss you? No. Because it's unclear if I don't or if I do. It would just make me fall back into the past. Do I tell you I hate you? I don't know because I don't hate you. I hate every thing that has happened to you. Is it bad that I'm laughing?

It's not fair what either of us said, I get that but honestly I don't even know who you are anymore. Partly because I'm still trying to find myself. I know I made stupid mistakes during those six months we were almost together. I know that ended up shaping our "relationship" into failure. Decisions that changed me, still shocks me. I'm not the happy person I was, I made dumb decisions, some you knew about some you didn't but I can't help thinking what if I was still the person I was back at the start? I'm confusing myself writing this because I promised I wouldn't fight anymore. I would stop trying and just leave it but some part of me knows that I don't want to lose you but I know I have to be done. You're a mumma's boy. A sassy bitch. I don't know, maybe even sometimes a self centred jerk? But that wouldn't be fair. Even though thoughts like that flew through my mind, it wouldn't be fair even if I were to say them but I don't recognize the person you've become.

I'm going to finish this by saying that I think you are one of the strongest people I know and your too good to even know. You never deserved to put up with me, or anymore of my shit and I appreciate how you escaped when you did. I burden everyone so congratulations, you made the right choice. Just don't let your family take advantage of you, you deserve the best.