I'm giving up on you.

No more

Why have I done this to myself, I used to be able to soften and shake but I grow hard, unable to be moulded into anything more.

Fuck I hate what I have done to you, to me, to everyone I've touched and grew apart from. But of course, they were the smart ones. Fuck this is not who I want to be, nor who my friends see. What is going on inside my head, am I broken? I don't even know, I hate you. I know that. I hate everything we were, the way you gave me confidence to be who I want to be even though this person was deep down. Why has she suddenly arose? She's been hidden for so long, she's not the person I want to be. I want the old girl back, even though there's no chance for her to return. Five guys a night, snapping at those who held me back. Not trying to get her back, pushing her further and further in the past. I need to control the beast taking over. It roars of laughter, it groans at those who judge. Please come back. 

I'm so broken, I have built a wall around myself. No more ticking time bomb, this is me and I hate it. I don't want to forget you, I can't let myself. I try so hard to hold on to any hope. I know there is none, why would there be? I crushed what we had and resurrected myself into someone new. You broke me, this is my way of being put back together. 

I don't do commitment. I can't, all it does is tear me and rip me apart. I need someone who will help me grow, someone to help me forget about you. It's so hard when your names appears on girl's photos. It's so fucking hard when your first on my chat list but I can't delete you. I won't. It's probably the best, I keep telling myself that but I can't help to be curious right? Curiosity will kill me. If nothing else does first. 

You're trying so hard, why can't I try harder? Ignoring me, deleting anything with my name on it. Push me further, go on. Please, I am so done! I have to quit running back, I have to quit thinking whether this would hurt you. 

It's getting better. It is. I didn't think about you today at all. Five day turn around, could say I'm impressed but it's still so hard not to think of you in every action someone does. The look you used to give me, the lovable smile I strive to once witness.

Please just shut up, get out of my life. I can't try any longer, I must delete you. I need to!

No more will I obsess over what you're doing. No more will I care about whether you're chatting up one of my friends. No more will I care whether she's prettier then me. No more will your name pop up on my screen.

I'm gone.