without a voice » cth + afi ✓

falling apart

calum

I was miserable.

I could not get even thirty minutes of shut eye last night due to my deep regret. I had tried to kiss Ashton, and I don't blame him for stopping me. I have no clue what came over me, but I somehow felt this push to lean forward and press our lips together.

Thinking about it, the complete next morning, sounded wrong.

I sighed heavily as I stared up at the empty and dull ceiling. Maybe that's how Ashton felt when I left him all alone, trapped in the cold that was loneliness; empty and dull. I regretted leaving him like that. I completely let my emotions take control of my actions, and instead of one of us getting hurt it was both.

I still don't know why I acted like that. Why did I feel the need to kiss him? Never in my life had I felt such a strong sensation in my gut, screaming at me to kiss someone. Mostly because no one ever spared me any glances. Ashton was the first person who ever even wanted to have a conversation with me.

Heck, Ashton was powerful and persuading enough that he managed to knock down the tough walls I had built. I trusted him - I still do. But after last night I don't think he believes that.

I told him I didn't want his help. I'm so stupid and ridiculous for telling him that. I should have just collasped into his open arms and told him everything, but I didn't and I completely let my feelings control me instead of using my brain. I hurt him. He was so ready to be my savior, yet I pushed him away. It wasn't his fault; it was mine. All mine.

The slight sting in my eyes informed me that tears approached, and I bit my lip to keep it from quivering. I want to cry, but it's already five in the morning. I have to push myself to get out of bed, ready myself for college, and leave as soon as possible. No matter what today will bring me I still have to face it.

With trembling bones and muscles, I sat up in my warm bed. Observing my room only brought back memories of last night; Ashton had told me so many things and taught me double. Those many things made me have new sensations deep inside of my chest, tugging at my heart strings. I found that at just the mere thought of Ashton, my heart started to beat faster.

My brain had other ideas, though.

I forced myself to stop thinking about him and focused on what was more important.

But was college really that imperative anymore?

I was only going in circles. Again. I had set my priorities at college, but then I met Ashton and he flipped a switch that was connected to my heart. One simple mistake later and suddenly I had turned that switch off myself, no matter how loud my heart cried. My brain was at war with my heart, and so far I knew who was winning.

"Stop it, Calum," I said out loud to myself, my hoarse voice making me internally cringe.

I trudged out of bed reluctantly, longing to just stay curled up in my duvet and try to sleep away my problems. But life wasn't that easy, and problems enjoyed sticking to you like stepping on gum. Problems were just as disgusting.

I pulled myself together as best as possible, which took over half an hour, and I still looked like I hadn't slept in two weeks - which was partially the truth. My mind had been constantly running ever since Ashton happily engulfed me into a life of joy, and it seemed to be running even faster now that I had damged that life. And being that active, it forced me to stay awake and think for hours on end.