without a voice » cth + afi ✓

panic attack

calum

A few days had gone by.

Nothing much had changed besides the fact that the weekend had arrived and all college students had two days off. Luke was transferred to the same music class as Ashton and I. Apparently basketball just didn't feel right for him anymore, which I think is understandable.

I have witnessed how amazing his voice is before, and I don't doubt that he'll do great things in the music industry. I learned that he was self-taught when it came to playing guitar, but he gave up on music when realizing the advantage he might have in sports. I guess that revelation didn't last long.

I was home alone; Mum was out looking for suitable places to live when we have to move. She's been speaking about it more often since time is running out. Sooner than later I'll be moving away, and as Mum has mentioned maybe somewhere closer to where my sister is going to college.

Those were scary thoughts. Our move would have some benefits, such as my sister being closer and possibly getting rid of Michael, but at the same time the negatives towered way higher than the positives. I would have to cease college until my sister finished, I would be leaving Ashton behind, and I probably would be stuck with no friends once again. Of course, Ashton and I could always stay connected even with the distance, but I don't know if either of us really want that.

With how far I'd be moving away, I wouldn't be able to visit as often as I would like. And friendships over long distance can easily be cut off; any day can be the inevitable.

Thinking about these things only made me anxious. The sweat was uncomfortable, yet I didn't pay much attention to it. I listened to the frantic beating of my own heart, wondering how much worse my life would actually get within the last few weeks that I'm here in this small house.

Hours later, I was still a mess of emotions. My mum wasn't home yet and that meant I was still very alone. The sun was setting, the sky whirling into a mix of different colors. It reminded me of the walk Ashton and I went on weeks ago. I wanted that again. I wanted Ashton. Just being near him made my skin prickle with goosebumps because he had that effect on me.

I texted him, trying not to break down entirely when all those previous thoughts continued to swirl around in my head.

Me
can i talk to you?

I waited for his response. My vision began to blur as painful tears pooled behind my closed eyelids. I tried wiping them away and blinking, but they fought back. I hid under my covers, afraid of the world. I knew exactly what was happening because it was all too familiar to me. I was having a panic attack.

My phone buzzed, but tears rolled down my flushed cheeks mercilessly and my breathing became ragged. My heart was thumping rapidly, fear shocking my body every few moments. I was absolutely terrified.

Ashton
What's wrong?

With shaking hands and fingers, I typed as fast as I could. I ended up erasing a lot because I either missed the space or continuously hit the wrong letter. I became frustrated, sniffing constantly to avoid the uncomfortableness of a runny nose. Even after attempting to fix most of my mistakes, I missed a few, and autocorrect was disabled and unable to help me as of now.

Me
i'm havong a pannic atyack

Ashton
I'm coming over. I'm sorry you're going through that, but I'm coming.

Within five minutes I could hear Ashton climbing the stairs before he burst into the room. I was sobbing uncontrollably, my vision still blurry and my whole body shaking with fear. My lungs were heaving and I was hiccuping.