without a voice » cth + afi ✓

it's for you

calum

I've been gone a total of two weeks.

My mother has filed a missing person report in an effort to bring me home sooner, but in all honesty I'm not ready to go back just yet. I'm not ready to face what I ran away from to begin with.

Catching feelings for Ashton was probably the worst I could've gotten myself into, because not only am I moving away within forty-eight hours - if I decide to go back, but I'll have to endure heartache. And I really don't want to experience that this soon in my life.

I don't want to experience it at all.

But I've doomed myself and there's nothing I can do to make it hurt less.

I have to go back, though. I can't stay away forever. And if they do manage to find me, I'll be forced to go back either way. It's a one way street leading me to a nightmare that's about to become reality.

I've been hiding out at the abandoning beach house ever since I came here the first time two weeks ago. Since I didn't have any food to eat, I had to disguise myself whenever I went into town to buy the necessities. I wasn't surprised to see papers taped and pinned to almost every wall and telephone pole there was with Missing Person in big, red letters at the top, all with my smiling face smack in the middle.

That picture couldn't be more wrong with how I've been presenting myself lately. I'm pretty sure those laugh lines are going to become 'frown' lines by the time I'm 21.

I decide to walk along the beach again. I've been doing it nearly everyday. It's a coping mechanism and, plus, it helps me sort through my thoughts. After the amount of time I've been away from my home and the people I adore, I've had time to think and rethink my plan of action. And I'm fairly certain with what I'm going to do now.

Before, I was entirely lost. I had no clue what to do. My feelings were a jumbled mess. I couldn't stop my thoughts from pouring over the edge in my head.

But I know my rights from my wrongs, and I'm going to act upon that realization.

I can't hide from Ashton forever; that much is obvious. I can only take so much time away from him, and I've figured out the limit. I need to see him again, today, or else I'm convinced I'll go crazy. I just can't help but stare the truth in the face. It'll haunt me far into the future, because I've grown on Ashton, and he's grown on me.

If I can't even stay a couple miles away from him on a beach for two weeks, how am I gonna handle hundreds of miles away in a foreign town for possibly the rest of my life?

Stop it, Calum. I audibly sigh. There's always a chance you'll see him again, stop overreacting.

What will he say when I randomly turn up on his doorstep after two weeks of being absent? What will he do? Yell at me? Cry? Hug me? Tell me he missed me and to never do this to him again?

I wouldn't be able to promise him that.

I stop and stare down at the sand underneath my bare feet. I notice a rock half buried and pick it up, rolling it in the palm of my hand. A feeling of loneliness suddenly creeps up on me, and I shiver in the breeze that the ocean has carried.

I'm coming back, Ash, just you wait a little longer.

×××
ashton

"You have to eat something, dude," Luke pokes my arm. "You're not being healthy, and Calum wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

I sigh and throw the tennis ball at the wall once more, catching it on its rebound.

"I don't feel okay eating when I don't even know if Calum's had food or not," I say for the tenth time this week. "What if he hasn't eaten in three days? Four days? A week?" I bite my lip, the hairs on the back of my neck rising in panic. "My poor-"

Luke smacks me on the back of my head. I pout. "Ash, shut up. Do you even trust Calum to be on his own for a little while?"

I stare at him and shake my head.

"Maybe you should start trusting the kid then," he says, scoffing. "It'll make you feel a whole lot better to know you trust him to take care of himself. He just needed space, you said so yourself."

I let out a breath. "I didn't expect him to stay away this long, Luke." I shake my head again. "It's all my fault."

Luke slides off the edge of the bed to sit on the floor with me, our backs against the frame. "Stop saying that."

"But it is," I insist. "I made it seem like I regretted kissing him, but I really didn't. I just wanted him to be okay after his panic attack because he scared the shit out of me. I said the wrong things and I should've explained myself, but I didn't. I just...I just spent the night in his bed like nothing happened.

And then the next day he was gone."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and let my head hang, my eyes involuntarily falling shut. "I hate myself for it."

Luke's hand is suddenly on my shoulder, and his touch feels foreign to me. But I don't pull away, because it calms my fast paced heartbeat. "Don't hate yourself for it. I know Calum doesn't hate you, he never could, so you shouldn't hate you either."

I snort and raise my head. "How do you know? You've barely talked to him."

Luke acts as if he wasn't slightly offended by my words, and I can't help but feel a little regretful for saying them, but then he says, "I'm good at figuring people out just by how they act and the way they react ro certain things. I didn't have to speak to him, just had to spend enough time around him in music to see what kind of person he is."

"Ah," I respond, but don't say anything else.

There's a few moments of silence and then I open my mouth to speak again, but I'm interrupted by a knock on the front door from downstairs.

Luke and I exchange a glance before hurrying to see who it is.

Luke gets to the door before I can and opens it, his body immediately freezing in place. He turns to look at me, his body perfectly blocking my view of seeing who it is. I catch my gaze on his eyes, and there's so much going on in them that I can only guess who's here.

"It's for you," Luke chokes out.

---
guess who's back???
okay i realize that you probably thought that was directed at what was going on in the story, but i actually meant me lmao
i've finally gotten back into a 5sos mood, which is good news for anyone who's still interested in reading this fanfic. there's literally like 2 chapters left and then this'll be done!!! i hope you enjoy :)