METANOIA

SHAME

The wild croaks of various unnamed urban birds echoed in his ever-ringing ears. The sun was rising, and some of the drugs were gradually washing away from his system. As his sobriety shifted gears, he felt disgusted. His leg had started to hurt, but he didn't want to take anything. The physical pain took some of the mental away. He was sitting on a bench in a park with Seth standing before him.

Barry had a black right eye, a cut lip, and was bleeding slightly from his ears, nose, and mouth. He may have been concussed; he wasn't sure. As his brains were already mush, it really didn't matter.

All Barry felt now was shame. He had hurt the one he loved, and his ego was bruised by the lost fight. He was trembling slightly from the shock. He felt he had damaged something dearer to him than his own life. His faith in the vague promises of his hallucinations was shattered. If he truly was the chosen one, an agent of fate, how could he have done so much wrong? He wanted to call Melinda. He wanted to say he was sorry. Tears poured from his eyes, partially from the punch to the face.

Buddy, on his motorized unicycle, passed behind Seth, leaving a rainbow colored smoky trail.

He was having what he could only describe as a vulnerability hangover. He wanted to turn back time.

He felt powerless.

He felt small.

He felt dead.

Shame is a crippling feeling, something one feels in the pit of the soul. However, shame is also the birthplace of change; it is the ultimate motivation that makes a person move. The myth vulnerability is weakness is a dangerous lie. Vulnerability does breed uncertainty and emotional risk, but it is the birthplace of courage. Courage is not a feeling you summon before action; it is not a feeling that subdues fear. Courage is acting in fear; it is acting through the fear. Courage in the face of shame can move mountains.

Barry had no courage left. He wanted his life to end. He wanted it to end at that very second.

Barry was hungry for some answers. Fate had let him down. He had done what he felt was right. "It is meant to be," rang in his ears again. Now, before him stood a man who was telling him he did the right thing when nothing about it felt right.

Even Lucy was intimidated by the man before him and stood off into the distance.

Seth stood still and spoke in his metallic voice. Barry half expected him to have a halo. The streetlight behind him sort of resembled one. And the park behind him was heavenly. He took a long look at the picturesque portrait.

"Barry, you have been given a new purpose, and I am here to see you fulfill it. Yesterday, someone – well, something really - threatened the very fabric of our existence. With my tutelage, you will be forged into a weapon. Together, we will right the wrong. You will save the universe, Barry."

Seth couldn't have said that with less enthusiasm.

Buddy Christ rode the opposite direction behind Seth screaming, "Wheeeee!"

Barry wanted to shoot him in the face. If he had a gun on him, he wouldn't hesitate.

Seth turned around to see what Barry was staring at and said calmly, "You oughta lay off that junk inside your pocket."

Barry was at least glad Seth could see him.

Barry asked in a trembling voice, "Will I win Melinda back?"

Seth was stern. "She is no longer important, Barry. I am telling you; you are here to save the universe. Perhaps Melinda with it, but she is no longer a part of your story. She will only distract you. Let her go."