METANOIA

PULSE

Barry stood outside the door of his house. He raised his paw to hammer the door. The drugs in his system made his hand look feral. He felt like a beast.

He knocked on the door with the soft part of his fist.

He heard Melinda's soft footsteps rushing to the door. She hesitated for a second.

"Here she comes!" Announced Buddy as he farted away from the scene.

The light from the peephole vanished as she looked out.

Barry heard her sigh.

The gun against his back was still ever so slightly warm from the shots he fired, or perhaps from the heat. Lucy leaned on the wall beside the door. He was here to give his abominable insight should the need arise. He felt his pulse rise and a knot formed in his chest as the door opened. His world stopped spinning as the embers of his eyes met the concrete in hers.

There she was, wearing a nightgown. Her perky nipples pushed through the thin fabric. Barry wanted to kiss her, but something was different. He was surprised at how small and distant Melinda seemed. This tiny woman had wrecked his life, and now he wanted vengeance. But he also wanted to clear his conscience.

Melinda looked pained as she looked at Barry's face. Maybe it was something else, guilt? A shark fin surfaced in the outer reaches of Barry's psyche, but he was too fucked up to register it.

"Oh my god, Barry! What happened to you?"

Barry had forgotten about his cut lip and black right eye.

Barry brushed off the events. He was ashamed of all of it.

"Hello," he muttered. His voice cracked. "I, I don't know what to say."

Melinda looked at him, both pained and frustrated. "Barry, you are not helping by talking to me."

"I'm sorry, for everything that I've done," He also meant the things she didn't know about.

Melinda didn't answer. She looked away, but Barry could see the anger she was holding back. She was trying really hard not to be spiteful.

Barry continued, "I need to know, to understand what changed? What did I do wrong?"

Melinda was softened by his pain, "You did everything right Barry... and sometimes that's what's wrong. You have given me everything from day one. You gave me your heart, your life. I am thankful for all of it, your love, your company and every sacrifice you made. You gave me everything except the one thing I really needed - time."

It was bullshit. Somewhere in the depths of his psyche, perhaps amidst the tinnitus inside his ears, Barry registered something else was amiss. Lucy was nodding his head toward inside the house, but Barry was purposely shutting him out. What Barry didn't realize was she was blocking his view of the inside of his house. She knew how to handle him well. Distracting him with his eyes as his attention waned. She pressed on.

"Every step of the way, you came up with beautiful suggestions, remarkable ideas. I loved the idea of being with you. I loved the idea of being your wife. I loved the idea of us living the rest of our lives together. Each step of the way, I told myself, if I just get past this milestone then maybe, just maybe it will all be okay.

Things were always great, Barry. It's just that they never felt right to me. I can't tell you why."

Inside, he was begging for an explanation. He wanted some form of justification for what had happened to him. A good enough reason for him to say, "Oh, okay, that makes sense; I see now why she stopped loving me." Some unforgivable mistake he did, to deserve all of this.

Sometimes in life, you don't get the answers you are looking for.

He looked into Melinda's eyes the way one looks at his torturer. He wanted to see some sign of pity, something to give him hope she would stop this scorching in his heart.

"So, there's no way we can work this out?" He knew he had crossed the line on no return the moment he grabbed that gun.

Melinda said, "Trying to work this out has done more damage thus far, Barry. I don't think we can come back from this. I feel spent. I feel overwhelmed. I need to be alone for awhile. I can see this has done great damage to both of us. Even if there is something to salvage here, it will take time." She was stalling, but Barry had no way of knowing.

Barry felt his pulse begin to race. He struggled to keep himself in check. So much had changed in his life in such a short time. Although he wasn't thinking straight, he fully understood he had done some irreversible damage. He was a murderer; something less than human now.

"So much can be done in just a matter of days, Melinda. We don't need time."

Melinda replied, "Perhaps, but hasty decisions are never good ones."

Melinda was unaware of the damage Barry had done, but she could sense something was amiss. Her words had hit home. For the first time, Barry felt utterly inhuman and fully disconnected. The extent of his loss finally started to sink in. He deserved to be burned at the stake. He sort of wished the fires of hell would pulverize him.

Barry said, "You decided to end it in a hasty manner."

Melinda, slightly angry, said, "Don't think for a second this was an easy decision to make, Barry. I have been thinking about this for over a month. The more I thought about it, the more out of place my life felt. Each of your acts of kindness, each gift you brought home, felt like a burden. You gave me everything when I just wasn't ready to take it."

She went on to point out, "I told you at every turn it was too soon. Each time I said that you became increasingly frustrated. So I stopped saying it. I never wanted to hurt you, Barry."

Flashbacks of all her hesitations flooded Barry's mind, "I need time," echoed in his head. She was right. Barry just hadn't seen it. He felt it was the ghost of her past relationship she couldn't handle. He wasn't sure.

The ringing in his ears intensified.

Melinda continued, "I still need time Barry. Maybe one day, perhaps a year down the line, we can make it work. But I need to be alone for now. I need to understand my feelings."

Barry knew inherently he no longer had any time left.

He muttered to himself, "It was meant to be," and a ghostly high-five lingered somewhere between the two of them.

Melinda looked down as she said this, a tear sliding down her cheek. She said, "It was the story of 'meant to be' that was the problem, Barry. What real evidence did we have to think that it ever was?"

Barry had no comeback. The fact that fate was overwhelming rang true with him. He was an agent of fate now, and what a horrid boss that had been.

"I am so, so sorry," said Melinda.

Barry understood the damage had been done. He showed his last act of kindness as a man. It was the least he could do.

"I forgive you, for all of it. I hope one day you can forgive me for all of it too."

Melinda was crying openly.

"I'm so sorry; I need to go, Barry."

As she turned around, Barry wanted to touch her flaming hair one last time. He reached out, but his hand simply hovered in the air as she closed the door in his face.

Barry stared at the door for what seemed like an eternity. He felt his pulse slowing down. It was only when Lucy said, "Let's roll!" did he decide to move.

He turned around and left the building. Fortunately, he didn't see Melinda's ex-fiancé's car parked in the driveway. Not that he would have recognized it anyway.