CACOPHONY | ✅

~07~

A muffled beep cuts through my ears.  I pick it up and your face flasges on the screen. You're smiling at the camera and there's a sparkle in your eyes.

I miss you.

Swiping the screen I unlock the phone, and my fingers automatically click on the gallery icon on habbit.

I start going through the gallery. I deleted every picture and every movie that didnt have you, so its all you. Pictures of you. Of us. We were so close. My heart breaks again, and my chest constricts. I swipe to the next picture and its a group photo.

With people who were once dear friend and family, now complete strangers.

I look at each and every similing face and i try to remember when and how we wronged them. But like every other time, I don't recall anything.

So I stop thinking and fix my eyes on you.

You're so beautiful.

And I love you so much I ache.

And I miss you so much it hurts.

I hurt all the time.

With one last look at you i shut the phone and get up from the bed. I walk out the bedroom closing the door behind me. The hallway has photo frames hanging on the walls on either sides of me. Pictures of us, old and new.

Unlike yesterday i dont stand to look at them. Not because im scared I'll break apart. But because I'm scared that I won't. I fear that I won't feel a thing when I look at them.

I move towards the stairs and descend them one at a time. Taking my time. Theyre here. The people. The strangers with familiar faces. The ones who lost my number when the bad days found my door. The small crowd in the sitting room spots me and the conversation drops down a level. A few people who were smiling or laughing stop, trying to put up a sad face.

I want to tell them that it's ok. That they don't need to be sad. Because what i lost was only mine nd not theirs.

A few women huddle up to me, embracing me in their hugs, their eyes sympathetic. And I want to tell them that I've stopped wishing for shoulders to cry on. That I've stopped wondering what it felt like to have someone to share your sorrow with. That I no longer need anyone to tell me that things will get better.

I hear someone sob. And someone lets out a whimper. But I don't cry. I just look at them, confused.

Why do they mourn my loss?
Why are they pretending to care?

They weren't there when you needed them. Weren't there when you called them.

So why do they wail now? Why mourn the dead when they didnt care about the living?

They're not here for him, my mind whispers nonchalantly.

And they're not here for you, my heart says in a bleak voice.

And so it dawns upon me. They're here because it's the story of the day. We are their story of the day. The little talk that'll keep them entertained for a few hours, that's all.

They look into my blank dead eyes but they don't see the accusation. Or maybe they pretend to not see it. They've always been good at pretending.

You should cry, they tell me.

Let your heart out, they say.

But i dont.

I won't, I want to scream out loud.

I will mourn my loss alone, I want to shout in their faces. 

But i don't.

Because in that moment, i forget everyone and everything around me. My torn words get stuck in my throat as my heart leaps up in my chest when my eyes land on someone in the opposite end of the room.

You.