silvia

iii.

dear bella rue,

you still haven’t answered either of my letters, and it’s been nearly a month. it’s okay, though. i’m not angry. i’m just confused.

    (but then, aren’t i always confused?)

anyways, today i had my first therapy appointment (eww). my therapist's name is janessa. she wants me to call her by her first name because she thinks that it makes us seem more like "equals".

overall, the appointment was a waste of my time. it went a little something like this:

janessa: so, silvia, your mother is concerned that you might be depressed. do you have any idea why that might be?

me: if i knew, i probably wouldn’t be depressed, would i?

    [janessa sighs]

    [...]

janessa: do you have any friends, silvia?

me: no.

    [janessa writes something on the paper that’s clipped to her clipboard]

janessa: do you like anyone...you know, like that?

me: i don’t know...maybe.

janessa: what’s his name?

me: i fail to see how this is relevant to me being depressed, janessa.

janessa: i’m just trying to get to know you, silvia. it’s hard to help you if all i know about you is in your case file, and i know that there’s more to people than a tan colored folder. what’s his name, silvia?

me: his name is jesse.

janessa: how does he make you feel?

me: i don’t know. i guess he makes me feel nice.

janessa: are you two friends?

me: i guess so, yeah.

janessa: do you think that jesse might like you back?

me: i don’t know.

    [i shift in my seat uncomfortably]

    [janessa smiles]

janessa: you should tell him how you feel. maybe he’ll feel the same way.

me: listen, can we not talk about jesse anymore?

    [janessa’s smile broadens as she writes down something on the paper clipped to her clipboard]

janessa: ok, we can go back to the boring questions, if that’s what you would prefer.

me: yes, that’s what i would prefer

what a bunch of bullshit, huh, bella rue?

and even proposing that jesse could like me...hell, he could have any girl he wanted! jesse wouldn’t waste his time with me, even if he thinks that i’m fun to talk to in algebra.

i don’t know...what do you think i should do? i sincerely don’t know anymore. why is my head so fucked up, bella rue? please explain to me.

sincerely yours, 

silvia.