silvia

x.

dear bella rue,

this is going to be a long letter.

saturday (last night) was prom. my mom drove me there, where i met jesse. i asked him why he wasn’t hanging out with his friends, and he replied that they were all at home playing grand theft auto v. i then asked why he wasn’t at home playing grand theft auto v. jesse shrugged and didn’t answer. my heart fluttered a little.

we didn’t dance. we just watched everyone else dance and made jokes about how we thought that kayla hodgeson’s boobs were going to burst out of her dress at any given moment. about halfway through prom, we decided to get away from all of the other kids and we went outside. jesse dug out his ipod and we danced animatedly to the album in the aeroplane over the seaby neutral milk hotel (i wanted to listen to your eponymous album, but i also like neutral milk hotel, so i was okay with it). just after “oh comely”, i asked if i could pick a song, and jesse told that i could. i chose “may this be love” by the jimi hendrix experience (for the jimi hendrix experience was my father’s favorite band).

jesse: this is a really old song.

me: yes, but it’s classic. i’ve always had this fantasy of slow dancing to this song.

jesse: i could help you satisfy that fantasy, if you wish.

me: i do.

[we dance.]

[i sigh and rest my head on jesse’s chest, because he’s way taller than i am.]

[jesse rests his chin on my head.]

i felt so complete.

me: jesse?

jesse: hmm?

me: could i tell you something, and have you take me seriously?

jesse: yes.

[i draw in a breath.]

me: jesse, i really like you. and not in a friendly way. you’re seriously all i live for. if it weren’t for you and bella rue’s music, i would have been gone a long time ago.

[jesse says nothing.]

[my heart beats at a speed that is probably unhealthy.]

jesse: i don’t know how to respond to that, silvia.

me: honestly. you respond to it honestly. i promise that whatever you say, i won’t be angry.

jesse: ok.

[jesse draws in a deep breath.]

jesse: i like you a lot, silvia. you’re funny, interesting, and...listen, you’re awesome, but all i’m looking for from you is a friendship. that’s all i want.

[i take in a shaky breath as i try not to cry.]

[i back away from jesse.]

me: ok.

jesse: silvia, you said you wouldn’t get angry.

me: i’m not angry. i’m just really, really fuckin sad.

[i run.]

[jesse repeatedly calls my name.]

[jimi hendrix plays a gorgeous guitar solo.]

and i ran, bella rue. i didn’t know where i was going, but i just needed to get away from there. somehow, i ended up back at my house.

i haven’t spoken to jesse since then. i don’t know what i’m going to do at school on monday.

sincerely yours,

silvia.