Just Some Shit I'll Write.

Thoughts. Not just life, but thoughts in general.

I just feel like writing some shit about life. First, I'm probably gonna get my hair dyed in a couple weeks. I'm not sure what color though. I want something dark, like a red or blue, maybe even really dark brown. I'm not so sure on the fluorescent colors though. Don't wanna have my head be a literal target. Second option, and the one I'm leaning towards is a gray, possibly dark, maybe light. Maybe bluish gray. I'm not sure. Leave your thoughts and opinions in the comments below. Secondly. Had my first panic attack today. Not gonna tell why. It really isn't important. But it was quite the shaking experience. Quite literally in the sense too... I'm also really caring about my personal appearance a lot more than usual. Even though I don't get to go back to my school until halfway through my freshman year. More on that in the chapter after next. I'm not sure why. I feel like more and more people are disappointed in my appearance. Well, mostly my parents. Actually those are the only people that care, but those people "own me" in a sense. I have to do what they say anyways. Since I'm banned from entering any schools within a certain mile radius of my current location, I have to do online school. It does seem way better than normal school for maybe the first couple weeks. No stated time you have to be up, you get to eat lunch whenever. You don't have to deal with teachers, or anyone else. Then it hits you. You don't get to see your friends, or have any social interactions. It's very isolating. I'm having a hard time staying sane at some points. I talk to my cat, my self, even to just the thin air itself. I'm also taking medication to help me think before I say, and it makes me hyperactive. My mom freaks out when I'm not doing work to blow off some steam, or even just talk. It's just depressing. I've never been to jail, but I'm sure this is what it feels like, except you have to do work and keep grades up. Which I'm not doing the best at. Then my parents tell me how terrible I am for not having good grades. Then I get more depressed. Then I have no drive to do better. It's like an endless spiral staircase, and I tripped on the second step. The only time I'm not depressed is when I'm playing video games. They're like drugs. Yeah you can get away from it now, but when you're done, you still have that same shit, and probably more to deal with. The games I do play are racing games. And I'm a car guy, so it helps a little to be with something I love. I really don't race. I just pick which car I feel like driving, and just go. I'll just drive. I won't look at the map. I'll drive. Hell I feel like I've driven every road at least ten times just aimlessly driving. And even though the game is the escape, when I'm driving, all I can think about are the things I'm trying to drive away from. It's almost pointless. But I do it anyway. Just like school, and trying, and being a productive member of society. I feel like a failure. I am a failure. But I feel like one day, it'll just be me and my friends, and nothing will matter other than the fact we're together. No worries, no pressures. Just togetherness. And blissfulness. I'm gonna get a job this summer, and start saving some money. I'm thinking that when I'm 18, I'll just take my friends and I on a trip. Not a planned route. Just go where the road took us, listening to classic rock, reminiscing on all of the best times when we were in the darkest corners of our life. One day. One day it'll happen...