In Too Deep

Chapter 6

Talking to Beau had really given me a new perspective. If I gave up on Jai, then he would eventually give up on himself. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't really rely on Beau 80% of the time, but he still came through for me when I needed him.

Jai was not okay. That much was obvious. He might say he's just stressed, but that's a lie and he knows it. I made my way back up to his room to check on him. I had slipped out of the room when he fell asleep to try to clear my head. I didn't know what to do, and what my twin brother told me really threw me off guard.

I opened his door silently, expecting him to still be sleeping. I was surprised to find him wide awake with his blankets almost smothering him. He seemed to be chewing on his lip, and he had a far away look in his eyes.

"Jai?" I asked hesitantly, moving to sit next to him on his bed. He was struggling and that was clear.

"No." He whispered. "I've already told you too much. I don't want to say anything else."

"We're twins, you're supposed to let me in." I chuckled.

"No....I'm just stressed out. There's no real reason to let you in." Jai said with such an honest expression that I didn't know what to say.

"You honestly don't think you're depressed?" I asked in disbelief.

"No, I'm not depressed." Jai said sincerely. He was obviously in denial and I didn't know what to say to that. What are you supposed to do when you're twin brother cuts himself on a regular basis and claims to be fine?

"If you're not depressed then stop cutting." I blurted out, causing Jai to freeze.

"You can't ask me to do that!" Jai yelled.

"I can and I will. I'm your twin brother so that gives me he automatic ok on it." I yelled back.

"I'll never make it without cutting." Jai ground out.

"Yes, you can make it!" I reassured him.

"NO, I CAN'T LUKE!" Jai surprised me by yelling louder than I've ever heard him yell before.

"Okay. I'm sorry." I apologized. He was clearly upset, so I put my arm around his shoulders to try to hug him. He immediately flinched at the first hint of contact. Jai knows that I would never hurt him. I'm actually a little hurt that he would act like I was going to.

"Can you just leave?" Jai pleaded. He had look in his eyes, and with a sinking feeling I realized exactly why he wanted me to leave.

"Why? So you can just sink a blade into your wrist as soon as I'm gone?" I was angry, and I know I shouldn't of said that but I couldn't stop myself.

"Yeah, Luke. You're totally right. Because you know what? I hate myself so much that I crave sinking that blade in all of the time, but I can't exactly do that with you hovering like this!" Jai yelled before his eyes became flooded with tears.

I slapped him.

"You can't say things like that." I whispered. "It's not possible to hate yourself and not be depressed."

"Fine maybe I am depressed, but that's none of your business. Just leave already!"

And I did something I shouldn't have. I left. I left and basically gave up on my twin brother.
-
Jai wouldn't talk to me the next day. He actually wouldn't talk period. Beau tried his hardest to make him laugh during breakfast, but Jai just sat there not talking. Not even eating. It was hard to watch, but it was all my fault.

"Come on, Jai." I whispered, dragging my twin out of the room. He went without argument. "What's wrong? Why aren't you talking?"

"Don't wanna." He mumbled out, staring at the floor. He looked pale and he had deep bags under his eyes. It looked like he hadn't even slept a bit.

"Why not? Please, Jai. Just give me something." I begged.

"I've never cut this much before." Jai said dazedly. I immediately lunged and grabbed one of his arms, yanking his sleeve up. I almost gagged at the sight that greeted me. What used to be milky skin was not covered in bright red cuts with not a sliver of unmarred skin left.

"Jai, what have you done?" I shrieked.
He
"I don't know. You left when I really needed you the most."

"You told me to leave.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I shouldn't tell you things like this." Jai started to close off again.

"No, I want you to tell me this kind of stuff." I reassured him. I needed to know what he felt and why he hurt himself.

"Why? So you can tell me how stupid I really am? Or I know. You could give me anther ultimatum about how I live my life!" Jai was obviously very upset.

"I'm sorry. It just kills me knowing you hurt yourself like this." I explained. "You're my twin brother. We've basically been a package deal from the womb. If you were to go too deep and die, then I don't know what I'd do."

"Luke, I-" Jai was cut off by Beau being Beau again.

"Jai! Do you wanna build a snowman?" Beau sung out loud. I had to roll my eyes at his antics. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he was just trying to harass Jai. That wasn't true though. Beau cared deeply for both of us, even if he didn't always show it. I don't think Jai actually realizes his much Beau cares for him.

"Beau, can you just leave me alone already!" Jai shouted in anger. "Luke's bad enough. I don't want to deal with you on top of that."

"What's up with you lately, Jai? I only want to help my baby brother." Beau furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. I knew better than to get into this fight. It could end badly on both sides.

"I'm just stressed out. That's it. I'm stressed out and I need some space." Jai was close to tears, but Beau didn't seem to notice that. He kept on pestering Jai.

"Are you doing drugs? I can get you into a good rehab program if that's the case. Getting high may seem like the right answer, but it's not! You need to be smart, Jai. Like Luke over here. He would never resort to something as bad as drugs." Beau chastised.

"I'm not on drugs!" Jai defended himself.

"Then, what's your excuse? You've been nothing short of a selfish, moody dog the last few months."

"It's called waking up wanting to die every morning and wishing that maybe someday I'll get my wish and actually be dead!" Jai screamed outraged. He was out of breathe after screaming. He stood there panting heavily until it finally set in exactly what he had said. Beau and I stared at him wide-eyed.

"Jaidon Brooks, if you think for one minute that I'm actually going to let that happen then you have another thing coming!" Beau promised. "Mum is definitely finding out about this, by the way. I can't believe you!"

Beau left us both standing there as he went to search for our mother.

"I'm sorry." Jai whispered from beside me. I turned to look at him. He had his hands covering his face, but it was obvious to me that he was currently crying.

"Jai, come here." I brought him in for a hug. "Let's go up to my room for a bit, yeah?"

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