White Walls [[On Hold]]

Chapter Four

"I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."
- Oscar Wilde

•••

"You're so quiet..."

I turned away from looking out the car window and starred at Abbey, my non-binary best friend, and raised an eyebrow. Their dark brown eyes were on the road, paying attention to the busy cars passing us by. I sometimes heard them curse the drivers under their breath but never mentioned it. "Well, I'm always quiet."

"Well, not with me." They muttered. Another car drove past us, the person honking their horn in annoyance. The driver immediately got stuck behind two other cars. "Hah! Bitch!" Abbey shouted, with a large grin on their face. I rolled my eyes at them and sighed through my nose, moving my eyes towards the front window, locking them on to the dark road. I could feel Abbey's eyes on me, their brown iris turning wide. "See? You would usually laugh at that!"

The light turned green and we began moving forward again towards our destination: the café. It was about another three miles plus this heavy traffic, so if Abbey wanted me to talk about my silence, they would have enough time.

Our car moved an inch before a dark blue car pulled right in front of us. There would have been a crash if Abbey hadn't slammed the brakes. They cursed under their breath again. It was probably the word "fuck".

I brushed my hair behind my ears and moved my blue eyes away from the road onto Abbey. "I'm fine." I stated. "Besides, I just talked to Jessica yesterday. I'm doing much better with the new medicine and-."

"No, the medicine isn't helping." Abbey interrupted, clearly irritated. "You've been lying to her about everything." They paused and licked their lips. "Evelyn you need help and you won't get any. You have all the resources you need to get better and you're not taking them." Abbey raised their voice, making me slump back into the car chair. "When are you going to let people help you?!"

My eyes started tearing up and I dropped my eyes to my hands. "I'm sorry..." I muttered, trying not to cry.

"Ah shit." Abbey whispered. They grabbed my hand, still keeping one hand on the wheel. "I'm sorry, Evelyn. You know I didn't mean to yell. I just want you to-."

"Get help that isn't there?!" I screamed, pulling my hand away. "Abbey, no one can help me! I'm too broken!" I locked eyes with them and some tears began pouring onto my cheeks.

Abbey wiped them away with their fingers, glancing back and forth to the road and I. "There is help." They whispered, then focused their attention back on the road, leaving me to just think.

I once again starred out the window, letting my mind wander. I closed my eyes. Suddenly I was in the park near my house, sitting on my usual swing. The sky was a neon blue, there were no clouds and the sun was shining. Everything seemed so peaceful. There were no one else around me and it was quiet. There were no birds, the only thing I could hear was the wind whistling in my ears.

If only I felt this peace all the time.

Abbey tapped on my shoulder making me open my eyes. "We're here," they said has they put the car in park.

In front of us was the famous café El Leché Café. It was a white bricked building with many windows and a dark, brown door. There were some metal tables outside, but no one sat in them. Even though I had called this café "famous," it was only mostly famous between my friends and I, considering we come here a lot. Abbey and I got out of the car, shutting the doors behind us, and walked through the door. A small little bell went off letting the baristas know that there were more customers.

The café wasn't large, but it wasn't cramped either. There weren't that many tables, considering they weren't a big business. But in the table at the far corner, next to one of the biggest windows, sat Abbey and I's friends.

They each had their own little drink. Malory was playfully poking James while Carly just giggled as she glanced from them then back to her phone. Our closest other guy friend, Danny, sat looking out the window, holding his coffee close to his hands. His fluff of black hair sweeping into his face. His tan hands kept circling the cup, almost like he was thinking too hard. Danny had a slight beard, which was usually a mess, but it seemed recently cut. His glasses were perched on the tip of his nose and when he heard the bell for the door, he turned his head towards the sound. When Danny saw that it was Abbey and I, his dark eyes went wide and gave a large swing of his hand.

"Evelyn! Abbey! Over here!" Danny shouted. His voice was full of excitement. He had just gotten back from Australia with his family, so I knew he had stories to tell.

Abbey laughed and walked towards our friends, who were now all smiling from our presence. "I know where we sit all the time, Danny." Abbey's laugh was very pretty, almost like ringing church bells. Sometimes they snorted if they laughed so hard and it was still very cute. Their cheeks would turn red when they snorted and get embarrassed about it. I kept telling them that it wasn't embarrassing or annoying, but Abbey would never believe. They hate their laugh.

One day I hope they love their laugh as much as our friend group does.

As much as I do.

Abbey sat down as I went to go order my drink. A hot tea with honey and sugar. Once it was ordered and paid for, I went back to the table. All of them were laughing, and when I pulled up a chair, they all looked at me. That made me nervous.

"How was therapy?" Carly asked, taking a sip of her chocolate frappe. She had always ordered that after I had showed her it eight years ago, when we first became friends.

I had met Malory, Abbey, and James nine years ago and had met Danny six years ago. I was still surprised that they are still my friends, considering that I'm always a fucking mess. But I still love all of them; and I know I don't tell them that enough.

That's because you'll kill yourself soon.

"It was fine. Normal everyday therapy appointment." I said with a smile. I couldn't let them know I was so tired.

Tired of life. Tired of not being enough or caring enough. I was tried of living.

Good. You know we have a plan.

Carly smiled and nodded her head, bur it soon turned into a frown, almost like she remembered something. I looked around our table and realized that everyone was frowning while looking at me.

Danny was the first to speak. "Evelyn, we think..." He trailed off, looking at his drink then sighing. "We think you're going to hurt yourself soon."

They already know what you're doing to do and they don't care. This is pity. You are worthless and not important.

My tea was placed in front of me.