White Walls [[On Hold]]

Chapter Seven

"If someone doesn't value you, they deserve to lose you. It's that simple."
- Reyna Biddy

•••

Sixteen.

This is the sixteenth time I have tried to commit suicide.

The water engulfed me like a mother holding a child close. My worst fear was drowning and now here I am, going to drown in the tangle of the current of the long, winding river that was in my nearby park. My worst fear was drowning, yet I was calm. I wasn't fighting the waves. I wasn't trying to crawl myself out of the water. I wasn't panicking. In fact, I was relaxed.

This time, I actually might die.

My lungs burned and I kept swallowing water. But it felt just like I was drinking vodka. I was in pain, but it was a good kind of pain.

Did Jessica expect this to happen?

Did anyone expect this?

Did anyone expect me to kill myself with my worst fear?

Of course they did, but they didn't care. They never do.

I closed my eyes, not feeling pain anymore. I was so close to death. I felt myself smile. I was so ready to die. Besides, no one would mind if I was dead.

But then I heard the splash. Through the darkness of the current waves, I opened my eyes to see the large bubbles. White spots sparkled in my eyes, but I could still see the large body that had jumped in. Were they killing themselves too and had decided to join me? I closed my eyes again.

I swallowed more water and felt myself beginning to scream for help, but I held my voice back. I was running out of oxygen. I shook my head. The voices in my head began to scream making me want to die faster and faster.

Finally!

You deserve this!

Say goodbye to everyone who never loved you!

Then I felt myself being pulled upward. I had very little strength to fight them, but I still did. Were they saving me? I didn't want them too. I wanted to die. Please let die.

My body erupted from the waves and crashed onto the land. I began coughing up water immediately, my body trying to get it out. But I didn't want to get it out of my body, I wanted it to drown me, to let me suffer.

That's when I threw up. A hand touched my back trying to comfort me but I shrugged the person's hand away. I felt myself beginning to cry. I was soaking, strands of my dark hair clung to my face. My clothes dripped down with water making the ground I was on wet. "How could you?!" I managed to scream, turning to the person who pulled me out of my heaven. "How could let me just live! You don't know me!"

But when my eyes adjusted, that's when I saw who it was. Their body was also soaked to the bone and they were shivering. Their hair was also clung to their face and they looked so sad. But they didn't seem to cry.

Alex.

"I don't know you?" He asked, his voice filled with rage. "I don't know you?!" Alex's face began to turn red and I turned my head away in shame. But why I was ashamed?

I started coughing again, "How the fuck did you find me?" Water came out of my mouth and I started coughing.

"You left your stuffed frog in the car and I went back to give it to you, but your mom said you went to the park. I got a bad feeling in my chest and came here. I wanted to make sure you were okay! That you weren't going to kill yourself by jumping off the waterfall!" Alex was moving his hands around so much that I couldn't concentrate on him any longer. "You fucking told me you were doing better! You- you said! You lied to me!" He was screaming at me at this point, but he still wasn't crying. Why wasn't he crying? "Evelyn, you need help and you keep saying you don't! You keep lying to your therapist, you keep lying to your friends, your parents, even your fucking sister!" Then he sighed loudly and whispered, "You lied to me."

I turned around to glare at him. "I'm already broken, god damn it, no one can help. Everything we've tried to do hasn't worked at all. Why do you keep trying? Why do you keep trying to save me? Why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep saving me?

"And yes, Alex, you don't know me. All you know is that I'm depressed all the fucking time and that my friends 'care' about me. You don't know anything about me, Alexander Eden, so shut up about knowing me, because you know damn well you don't; and you never will, so stop trying. Stop fucking trying! Stop trying to learn about me and why I'm the way I am! I can't remember the last time I was truly happy! I can't remember the last time I felt loved! I can't remember the last time I actually told the truth about how I was feeling. 'I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.' That's all I would fucking say. Hell, I still say that." I began shivering, and lastly growled, "I'm damaged and you will never learn why."

Alex bent down next to me to look me in the eyes. He came so close to me, our noses almost touched. I could feel his hot breath on my face and I was shaking. My cheeks turned pink from being so close to him. "I don't give a damn about your mental illnesses," he whispered, looking right into my eyes. "They make you who you are, so if I you say one more time that you hate who you are because of your illnesses, I will personally make sure that you will be cared for for the rest of your damn life." His eyes were flames and I realized that in that moment I wouldn't mind being consumed in them.

I looked down and gave a sly smile, "You don't know who you're messing with, pretty boy."

"I don't need to." He whispered and leaned into me. "I'm going to show you the world in a brand new light, Evelyn Ann, and you're going to realize that there is so much more out there than you think."

All I could do was nod my head, but I didn't believe him. I probably never would.

I felt sick to my stomach again and turned away from Alex, beginning to throw up. When Alex wrapped his arms this time, I didn't budge him away. The only thing that came out of my stomach was water. My throat was burning and felt like acid pouring down. I wanted the acid to go away. I wanted the pain to stop. But hell, I deserved this pain. I always have.

But why was I letting Alex holding me?

I couldn't answer that, I just let him. My heart was calm and feeling his skin on mine made me feel loved.

Sure I couldn't remember the last time I felt loved, and I was about to make this the start of it all, but then I made myself remember that I was nothing to him. Nothing but a damaged person that he felt the need to take care of.

"Just grab my hand if you need me and squeeze it as hard as you can, it won't hurt me." Alex whispered as I continued vomiting, "Just grab it and I promise you, I will squeeze back." His breath was on the back of my neck and it made me feel warm inside.

He hates you.

I suddenly began to shake volatility, and noticing this, Alex immediately picked me up bridal style and began to run. I didn't know why he was running there was nothing he could do to save me.

Hopefully there was nothing he could do.

I vomited.

Thankfully none of it got onto Alex like I thought it did, but I noticed how his eyes were glancing down at me every once and awhile to make sure I was okay. I leaned my face into the crease of his neck, taking in the warmth that he had somehow managed to produce from just a couple minutes. I shut my eyes taking in his scent. Trees and salt. I felt at peace. Is this what it felt like to die?

"Alex-." I tried to speak, but my voice was raspy and hurt.

"No no, don't speak. Please." Alex said, panting. He was running out of energy from carrying me. I opened my eyes a little only to be greeted with the sky and it's sparkling stars as well as the full moon. It all looked so beautiful and I gave a small smile. White dots began to spot my eyes and I realized that I was about to faint. I took of large breath of air and became limp against Alex. Noticing the sudden change in my body, Alex spoke, his voice full of concern. "No, Evelyn, stay with me. You can't shut your eyes. You can't do that."

I gave a small giggle and muttered, "Please never leave me."

Then I fell into blackness.