Unthinkable

Unthinkable ~ Chapter 19

"What are you reading?"

I found Jaco sitting on the steps outside of the school as always, his nose buried in the pages of a hardcover book with his glasses nearly falling off his nose. He looked up at me and grinned.

"Yo, you know I'm like a long lost relative of this guy?"

I sat beside him and picked up the edge of his book to see the cover.

"Who, Muhammad Ali?"

"His real name was Cassius Clay, see, and my last name is Clay. And we even look alike, look." He held up the book next to his face, his features nearly completely contrasted from the one plastered on the book. I laughed straight at him.

"Alright, alright." He rolled his eyes. "Maybe you gotta squint a little. But wouldn't that be cool?"

"I guess so." I shrugged.

"What you mean, you guess so. It sure would!" He looked down at the page with a smile on is face, but after reading a couple of lines his smile slightly faded. "Except he got a big mouth. I don't got a big mouth."

"Are you kidding? You talk more than anyone else in our whole school."

He thought for a moment. "You're not wrong, but I'm not as mean as he is. Or as cocky."

"I don't think he's all that--"

"I can read, can't I?" He shoved the book into my face and read me some of his quotes, emphasizing every word. "I'm telling you, he got a big mouth."

"I don't know. I think that's brave."

"What? You think mouthing off is brave?"

"I think speaking your values is brave, no matter what. He's speaking honestly always."

"You confuse the hell out of me, you know that?" He shook his head. "Now what if your values was killing people for fun, is that still brave?"

"Yeah, I think it is. I think it's wrong and horrible, but to say it with pride is still brave."

He kept shaking his head. "I think it's just plain dumb."

"You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine."

"Unless your opinion is stupid, then you ain't entitled to shit."

I rolled my eyes. "You're just mad because I make a good point that you don't agree with."

"As if you ain't ever get mad over that before."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Our first study session? You damn near had smoke coming from your ears."

I squinted at him. "Funny, but I barely knew you and you were psychoanalyzing me."

"Nah, it was more like you just taking everything way too serious." He shrugged, but avoided my eyes. "I was just trynna know you."

"Well now you know me." I smiled. Jaco just stared at me for a moment, and then nodded with a different kind of smile.

"Well shit, I guess I really do."

~~~

"Maybelle!" I ran toward the young woman, trying to read her facial expression. She just held out her hand with a little crumpled up piece of paper in her fist.

"What's this?"

"Just read it." I took the paper from her and she stared at my hands, her face still unreadable. "And know that this is because of you."

I unraveled the crinkled sheet in my fingers and gazed down at the words, not really knowing what to expect. It was from Jay, to Maybelle. There were some words I couldn't make out from the handwriting. She wrote that she wasn't ready to face her in real life yet but she was ready to start small. She had moved to New York, and was trying to start over. She said she was glad to know Maybelle was alright, and doing better, and that she loved her. She did. Her last line read "tell that friend of yours I say hi. Hold on to her. She seems like one of the good ones. Love, Janelle."

When I looked up from the letter, there were tears streaming down Maybelle's face. I inhaled sharply at the sight. I never saw her get like that before. She was bawling silently, her lips quivering and all. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight, letting her quietly cry into my shoulder. I didn't want to ever let go. I don't know how long we stayed there, but when she finally got up from my shoulder and looked into my face, I saw pure joy. Her eyes were glistening with fresh tears but also with that sparkle of excitement and childlike spirit. She was beaming. Even with the mascara running down her face, she was the happiest I'd ever seen her.

"She still loves me, Manny," she whispered, her hand squeezing mine. "She loves me."

~~~

Me and Kania decided to take a walk down memory lane, so we brought a stash of sweet delicacies and wandered back into the hospital where I had started my new journey. My new life with new memories. We walked through the desolate halls, past the old physical therapy rooms and realizing that most of the people I used to see everyday there were gone now. I wondered where they went, how they were doing. If anyone remembered who I was. If I mattered to the doctors and nurses bustling about through the rooms. If I was just another number or statistic to them. If I had a name or a face to them. If when I left, I disappeared from their world. 

I walked past posters of the numbers of psychologists and suicide hotlines. I thought of how many people were in here, saw those posters, and thought well, it's too late now. I thought of Jaco and what he said. And I felt a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I quickly started focusing on something else.

At some point, Kania and I had finished our treats and our rounds, so we settled for another candy bar from a vending machine and the hospital waiting room to end our tour. 

"It feels like so long ago," she said, nibbling on the corner of her chocolate. I didn't say anything back, but she was right. The thing is, it wasn't. And it's still such a part of my life. But it shouldn't be.

"I'm really proud of you." I raised an eyebrow at her.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean look how far you've come. You've really gotten so much better, and became so much of a better person. You're doing so well and you're so strong and I'm proud of you. Is that such a crime?"

I laughed. "No, no of course not. Thank you." I held her hand in mine and smiled. "It means a lot."

We sat there for a little bit, in a comfortable silence with just a few scattered words and laughter sprinkled in the calm quietness. I felt oddly at peace. The bright, fluorescent lights of the hospital and one of my best friends beside me, it felt peaceful. Like a toned down version of heaven, maybe. Like what calmness and stillness is supposed to feel like.

At some point, Kania had to leave, but I just stayed sitting there. I was enveloped in that strange sense of comfort and I wanted to stay in it as long as possible. I closed my eyes and imagined I was in a space of just white. Just nothing around me but blinding brightness. It felt warm and safe and odd. It felt like home.

"Excuse me?" I opened my eyes to find that bubble I was in popped immediately. I looked up at the man who had interrupted me, annoyed. 

"Yes?"

"Are you Manila? Manila... Davidson?"

My eyes narrowed and I sat up a bit straighter. "Yes."

"It's your friend, Maybelle." My whole body froze. Maybelle? Why was she back at the hospital? Who is this person? How does he know Maybelle? I waited for him to continue, half expecting the worst, half expecting a joke.

"I'm so sorry."

My head started to pound. What was going on? My eyes ushered the man to go on, and he reluctantly started to speak once again.

"Something has happened. I'm terribly sorry."

I wanted to yell at this man to hurry up and tell me, or to scream at him to leave me alone, and to plead him not to say anything bad. But I couldn't speak. 

"She just passed away."