Unthinkable

Unthinkable ~ Chapter 10

I found myself sliding down the closed door of my room until I fell to the ground with my knees bent and my eyes blank. I couldn't even start to comprehend what was going on, what had happened, everything I just witnessed. I just felt empty and confused. Mostly confused.

"Manny? You okay?" A series of knocks vibrated through the door to my spine. I closed my eyes. I didn't feel depressed, but I wasn't exactly jumping for joy either. I just felt nothing, just empty, closed off to any emotion.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied. I couldn't tell if that was true or not. The sheets on my bed were beckoning me to come over and take a nap buried in their warmth, but I willed myself to stay away. And to stay awake. I got up from my crouched position against the door and sat on my bed, feeling the mattress shift under my weight. "You can come in, if you want."

In less than a second, the door creaked open as Damien poked his head inside. His eyes couldn't find me at first, and for that split second they seemed frantic with worry. But when his gaze fell upon my face, his expression softened.

"How you doing?" He plopped down next to me on the bed, causing the mattress to bounce under where I was sitting. I gave him a half-hearted smile.

"I'm doing okay. I'm just a little... shocked, I guess. I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was, it seems." Damien shot me a sympathetic smile and shifted his position so he could face me.

"That's perfectly normal. Look, I shouldn't have gotten so heated up. You deserved to know in a calmer, better way. It's just been... a lot."

"You don't have to explain yourself, Damien," I replied. "I'm not the only one who has emotions. Obviously this took a toll on you back then, too." My voice grew quieter with the next words as my eyes flitted away from his gaze. I could still faintly hear the shouts, hear the door slam, my mother hysterical with tears. I remember feeling my brother's arms wrap hold my small frame, me being confused and scared and small. That was a long time ago. And that's all I could remember.

I suddenly remembered why I hadn't wanted to go home on that first day. That was why. That was all I could remember, but back then it was all just a fuzzy blur in the back of my mind. Now those tiny slivers of memories were coming into focus.

"I do remember some things, and it's not pretty. But you were strong for me, and there's nothing I can do to repay you for that."

I looked back at his face, a genuine smile pulling at the corner of his lips. It almost seemed grateful, for what reason I couldn't figure out. I was the one who should be thanking him; where was this emotion coming from?

"You're allowed to let yourself go, you know." I let my own genuine smile form as I blinked back tears. I didn't know what to do for him; there was really nothing I could do. But I wanted to tell him how I felt, I wanted to show him how much he meant to me. I just hoped I got the message across. I wasn't the best with words.

I guess I succeeded because the next thing I remember was his hand on my shoulder, his thumb slowly moving up and down, stroking the sleeve of my shirt in a comforting manner. We didn't speak, didn't even shed a tear, but were just comfortable in each other's warmth.

"Ask me anything," Damien said, standing up from my bed and leaning against the wall, his usual strong and ready exterior displayed once again. "Anything at all. I'll tell you whatever you want to know." I took a deep breath, readying myself for the worst, but also a little bit excited to find out the truth and to be able to know everything I had known before my fall.

Or at least, what I wanted to know.

~~~

"You're taking this awfully well, baby girl." Maybelle took a sip of her blueberry slushie as she gazed at me sympathetically. Not in the way that felt like someone's looking down on you, but in an understanding way, mixed in with a bit of something else. She almost seemed proud of me. For what, I couldn't tell.