Unthinkable

Unthinkable ~ Chapter 11

I woke up with a jolt, and saw that my room was still swallowed by darkness. I opened up the cream curtains of my window just slightly, allowing a dark blue hue from the sky to flood in, giving my room just a dim sliver of light. I tried to figure out why I had awoken when suddenly, I heard it. My heart started pounding in my ears as I leaned against my door, the rugged paint chips rubbing against my cheek, straining to hear what was going on. I was right.

It was Jade and Damien.

I bit my lip, hard. I almost cringed at the sharp pain it brought, but stifled whatever sound tried to escape my lips as I listened closer. They weren't just talking. They were arguing about something. Damien kept raising his voice and I could hear Jade pleading him to calm down. I felt the beating of my heart grow louder in my ears, so loud I was afraid they might hear it through the door. I stopped moving just so I could listen clearly.

"You don't get it, do you? You never have!"

"Damien, please. This is not the time. You need to calm down."

"Tell me to calm down one more time, I dare you."

I held my breath and squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to tell Damien that it was okay, that he shouldn't get so riled up. I would grab his arm and take him to the side, give him a moment to clear his head. I felt my eyes burn behind my eyelids, but I willed myself not to let the tears fall.

It was a familiar feeling, this emotion that built inside of me. It was like I was holding my breath, waiting for something to happen. But at the same time, I didn't want to know what that thing was. I found myself straying to find my iPod, to drown myself in lyrics that have nothing to do with my life at the moment, but I forced myself to stay put. All I knew was that I just wanted everyone to stop. For time to halt for a moment. For everything to cease for an instant. For a frozen second where everyone can just reflect on what's going on and clear their heads. The whole world. It doesn't matter what they're doing. Just a moment to breathe.

But that would never happen.

"Have you talked to Janelle recently? You ought to. You're always much more clear headed when you talk to her."

"Forget about Jay. That's not why I'm angry and you know that."

Jay. Jay. I let the name roll over in my mind a few times. It sounded so familiar, but where could I have heard it? Suddenly, it dawned on me. Jay was that girl Damien was looking for way back during one of my first therapy sessions. I remembered his expression vividly, as we sat together flipping through channels on the old television set in the hospital. Who was this Jay? My curiosity was starting to overthrow my fearful emotions, and I strained further to hear if they would hint anything more about this Jay. Or Janelle. Whatever her name was.

I heard something loud. Somewhat of a crash. Nothing shattered from what I heard, but something definitely fell. All of my curiosity vanished as a knot formed in my throat. I felt my fists clenching as the tears started to stream down my face. I was frightened and confused and angry all at the same time and I couldn't understand how that could be. I just wanted everyone to stop being so irrational and take a second to think. Too many people rush through their days forgetting to reflect and to think. That's why they make mistakes.

That's why they hurt themselves. That's why they hurt others.

I wondered if they had any clue that I was hearing everything. I wondered if they were so caught up in their own blind anger that they forgot the person they were trying to protect was being exposed to everything.

I didn't know what to do. I should've gone out there. I should have stopped the fight. I should have interfered and put some sense into whoever was being irrational, which seemed to be Damien at the moment. I just assumed he had a reason to be angry.