it had been three days since the news had been broken to me.
i sat in my room, awake every night, thinking i could've done more.
it was phil's funeral tomorrow.
tomorrow.
the boy i love, was gone.
and not only was he gone, but he was never coming back.
if only i was there. if i only i was, there.
fuck.
it's my fault. it's all my fault. everything's always my fucking fault.
i'm so sorry, phil. you were taken from me, and it's my fault.
i looked at the blood on my legs, caused from helplessness and trauma. i couldn't live like this.
i had made my decision.
i would go to funeral to say, goodbye; and then i would go see him again.
i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry, mum and dad. i'm sorry brother, friends, family.
but i'm done. my one reason for living was gone.
so was i.
-
the funeral was small.
his parents were absent, but a few close relatives and friends were seated.
i sat at the front. my brown hair wavered into my eyes, giving me and slight shiver. the tears had stained my cheeks.
"would anyone like to say a few words".
i raised my shaky hand, walking up to the platform.
"phil lester; the boy with black hair and blue eyes. i hadn't known phil for too long. i hadn't gotten to know him fully, yet. but what i did know was; i love him. he gave me hope. he made me feel special and wanted, and like i belonged. no one else could give me that feeling. he was- is, and angel. he deserves the world, even if he's been taken from it. i know, this is what he wanted. when i found out he had done this to himself, i couldn't think anything other than i could've been there for him. he has the most beautiful soul. i don't know what happens after death- no one does. but all i know is, he might be happier up there, or where ever he is. i miss him, as do all of you. but please, he wouldn't want you to be sad. i'm sorry for your loss, everyone. thankyou"
the tears were urging to run down my pale cheeks. my eyes were red and my nose was running.
after the funeral; i went into the forest.
"philip lester, i'm sorry. i love you. i love you so fucking much. you didn't deserve this. you didn't. no one did. i'll see you soon, babe. i'll see your gorgeous blue bright eyes again. i'll be with you soon. i'm sorry"
and with that, i grabbed the box of 12 pills out of my pocket.
i popped them individually into my mouth, giving myself a rush of adrenaline.
"i'm sorry" i whispered.
i know, there are better ways to deal with this, but i just can't deal with this. i lost him. it was my fault.
i put the final pill into my quivering mouth.
i shook and cried and there wasn't any going back now.
i muttered my final words for my life.
"i love you, phil lester"
🌻
FUCK LMAO IM SO SORRY
THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER BECAUSE I CBA WRITING MORE
BUT HEY YOURE WELCOME FOR THIS LOL
