Suck It & See (ryden)

27. Endgame

Despite my best efforts, Ryan did not end up in my bed by the end of the night.

Scratch that, he did end up in my bed, but not with me. No, my mother demanded that I give my bed up to the boy, but yet I was forced to sleep on the couch.

So now it's two in the morning and I'm pouting on the couch. I've made a makeshift bed out of pillows and blankets, but none of it suffices as long as Ryan is in this house. He should be with me.

My siblings that are staying at the house get to sleep with their significant others, why can't I sleep with mine? Being by myself leaves me to think about what going to happen come Sunday. Am I to live on without him?

I don't really think I could.

Hell, I don't even know where we stand, Ryan and I. I haven't even given myself time to think about it, I was just happy that he's home. Now though... now I'm wondering if this is just his way of filling the void.

It's not out of the ordinary for me to pick up a pen and paper to let out my feelings, but tonight it was a new extreme. As soon as the words 'Dear Ryan,' stained the paper, it was like every word I ever wanted to say to him was pouring onto the blank sheet.

'Dear Ryan,

A little under 10 months ago I met you. You were shy, awkward, and speaking French.  I can't really begin to explain to you what was going through my head when I first saw those golden eyes of yours, but you made me crazy. You still do.

I'm in love with you, Ryan Ross. Uncontrollably and unconditionally in love with you.

I don't want you to forgive me for what I did. You shouldn't have to. I'll never expect you to... that's all I can really say about that, because frankly, I'm tired of thinking about the biggest mistake I've ever made. You're my future now.

I realize that you can't be here with me forever. At least not at this moment. However, in your absence I've decided to go to university. I just recently decided this actually. I plan to a guidance counselor. Help the kids. I promised Eden sometime ago that I would.

But you were the one who inspired me to do so. To do good things. I-'

"What're you writing?" A voice from behind me damn near causes me to jump out of my shorts, and I look over my shoulder to see Ryan. In nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and a Talking Heads tee shirt that is definitely mine. He grins at me, realizing that he scared the living shit out of me.

"Nothing." I say quickly, sliding the letter in between the pages of a bible. We have an abundance of them in this house.

"No, no, no. You were writing something." Ryan insist, rounding the couch to my side. He plops down next to me, reaching for the book. "Is it a love letter?" He whispers, pouting his lips.

"Yes." I say in complete seriousness. "Yes, it is." His smile widens, as if that's even possible. "However, since you so rudely interrupted me, it's not finished."

"If it's for me, why can't I read it?"

"Who says it's about you?" I counter and regret it immediately. Another man is what destroyed our relationship in the first place, and now I'm making crappy jokes about it. I quickly think of a smooth recovery and I raise my eyebrows at him. "It's for Eden."

Ryan's grin turns into something predatory. His eyes thin dangerously, but they weren't filled with anger or jealousy. No, they were filled with challenge and perhaps even lust.

"Eden, huh?" He asks, biting his lip. "Well, uh... does Eden do this?" And without further explanation, Ryan leans over my lap, breathing hot air on my crotch. Sighing shakily once, Ryan mouths me over the cloth of my boxer briefs.

I swallow hard, letting my head fall back on the couch. Eden definitely doesn't do this... Jesus. One of Ryan's hands slide under my shirt and he gently runs his lean fingers over my nipple while his other hand takes hold of my cock.

"Missed you." Ryan says quietly and despite the sexual desire in the air, my heart swells. I had come to terms with his absence. I had figured out how to function without him. Now he's here, breathing my air and sharing my skin. Telling me he missed me.

I'm back to square one.

And I can't loose him again.

"Ryan." I mutter, my legs quivering as he mouths around my cock. "Baby." I repeat. The boy looks up at me, eyes dark and smoldering. I swallow hard and pull him up to meet my lips in a deep and long kiss. "Listen, I need you here."

"Bren-" Ryan starts, but I shake my head and I quickly cut him off.

"Hear me out. I get that you need to finish your year, and I want you to, but I need you to come back to me. I can't lose you again, I can't. I wouldn't survive that." I feel tears begin to roll down my cheeks and I hate how fragile I've become, but my life is Ryan's now and it has been. I can only be brought back once.

I'm lucky I had a second chance at life at all.

"Brendon, don't cry." Ryan whispers, brushing the warm streaks from my cheeks.

"I couldn't function, Ryan." I cry. "After you left me at that airport, I just stopped having any will to live. I didn't care what happened to me, because I had willingly given my world to you and I wasn't mad at you for leaving. I just was so disgusted with myself." I was rambling at this point, just forcing out words to make him understand.

I need him to understand.

"We can do this Ryan. I'll go to college and I'll get a job that can support us, but you're my endgame. I just want to prove to you how serious I am."

Ryan just looks at me with huge eyes, that were glassy with tears. He nods a little. Blinks. Then he takes a deep, but shaky breath. "Okay." He says, nodding again. "I believe you."

"Yeah?" I ask, my feeling hope take over my body. "What does that mean for us?"

"I'll finish my senior year abroad. Then I'll come back in a month." He nods once more, but this time to himself, like he's figuring our future out in his brain. "Maybe we can go to the same university. Find an apartment together."

"We can start our lives together." I whisper, my cheeks damn near aching from smiling. I kiss Ryan's cheek and pull him to my chest in a tight embrace.

"Yeah, I like that idea."

Ryan and I slept on the couch that night, sharing each other's space happily.