Suck It & See (ryden)

22. Fearlessness on His Sleeve

It took an army to get me out of bed the next day...

"Brendon? Honey, are you okay?" Mom shakes my shoulder gently, urging me to wake up. I simply groan. "Eden told me you guys were driving to the airport today. She'll be here soon. Sweetheart?"

I shake my head and roll over choosing to ignore the problem ahead of me. Ryan is leaving the country in the upcoming hours of the day, and while I could make efforts to convince him to stay, chances are he won't. He has no reason to stay. I broke his heart.

It felt like hours before Eden and Spencer were barging into my room, pulling me by my arms, and fighting me to dress myself. "You're not bailing now, B." Eden grunts as she work my ever tight jeans on my body. Spencer is handing me a toothbrush equipped with paste and tiredly take it from him.

"Can't." I whisper. "Hates me." A firm smack on the back of my head wakes me up quickly, and Eden's quickly in front of me, holding my face in her hands.

"Brendon Boyd Urie, listen to me." She demands. Okay, she has my full attention. "Ryan does not hate you. He's upset and hurt, but that boy doesn't hate you. He loves you too much actually, after what you did." She rolls her eyes and I feel sadness in my heart. "It doesn't matter though, cause I did not sit through you bitching me out for nothing. I'm tired of you being on your period, so I'm gonna do everything I can to help."

"And she hates seeing you so upset, she told me." Spencer says from the space in the doorway that he's now occupying. Eden glares at him, but Spencer gives her a soft smile. The girl's anger melts quickly, but she rolls her eyes to cover up her obvious adoration for the man.

"That too." She mutters, looking down at her feet.

"Did I miss something?" I asks slowly, now functioning completely on my own accord.

"Nope. You were right though." The statement confuses me at first, but I quickly think back on our recent conversations.

"I firmly believe that the root of her problem is her deep love for you."

I smile at my two best friends, and you better believe that their backwards affection sets a fire under my ass. If they can manage to make it work, then I have to have at least a shred of a chance with Ryan. Those two damn near hated each other for while there. I could try.

"I'm ready to go." I say quickly, pushing past Spencer. I hear my friends high five each other, but I'm ready now. No time for fucking around. I need to see him. I find myself in the back of Eden's small, white Grand Am, urging my heart rate to slow down. I'm gonna have a heart attack before I even get there. "Drive fast." I request the minute the key is in the ignition. Eden nods before peeling out of the driveway.

Here goes nothing, I guess.

***

"Where is he boarding?" I ask.

"I don't know." Eden replies.

"You have to know!" I cry, my heart still hammering away.

"Well I don't, so would you just shut up!" Eden snaps back at me. " I only know his time of departure, but we're not stupid. We'll find him." She rolls her eyes as if it was dumb of me to think anything else. I sigh, but I know she's right. I just have to trust her. "This way." Yes, that way. Anything you say, Eden.

We end up at a waiting area and my eyes scan the group of people preparing for their flight. It takes no time at all though for me to find him. How could I miss him? Christ, he's all I see. I feel Eden's hand on my shoulder and I look to her for reassurance. Her eyes are loving and kind. "Just tell him how you feel, B." And as she leaves my side, I see her go to Spencer. The man wraps a comfortable arm around her shoulders and he presses a kiss to her forehead.

I swallow hard, and slowly start walking towards him. He's by himself, head ducked down with headphones plugged into his ears. His toes are tapping, and his long bangs bob slightly as his head moves to his music. I'm just about in front of him by the time he lifts his head.

Our eyes meet and I swear he looks at me as if I'd just punched him in the face. I don't know why it happens, but at that moment my legs turn to jelly and my knees hit the floor in a matter of seconds. I find myself bowing to the boy, my hands placed surely on his knees. "Brendon, what're you doing." My breath catches on a sob that nearly has the opportunity to leave my lips. I haven't heard him speak my name in weeks.

"I don't know..." I answer honestly. The minute he looked at me, my plan flew out the window. "I just thought..-"

"What did you think, Brendon? That you were just going to show up here and change my mind? That I'd fall right into your arms." He wipes his cheeks, small silent tears rolling down his skin.

"No, that's not-"

"Then what? Because as far as I'm concerned, you're only here because you feel guilty." The sentence leaves his lips and I'm on my feet quicker than imaginable.

"You know what Ryan, I'm going to stop you right there. If that's what you think, then obviously you were someplace else for our entire relationship." The boy frowns at me, obviously surprised by my words. He should've expected this though, have I ever really been someone known to not speak their mind. "Yeah, I fucked up and I hurt you and I feel like a piece of shit for doing it, but I am absolutely not here because I feel guilty.

I'm here because I'm in love with you Ryan. I know that you're probably going to get on that plane and I'm never going to see you again, but there way no way that I could let you go without at least trying." I can't even look him in the eyes now, because of the storm of emotion flowing through me.

"Ryan, until I met you my goal was to repel anyone that wasn't my small group of friends and I'm telling you now I was, and still am an asshole. I was mean and couldn't even consider the concept of love. Aside from James, but you see the type of fucked up shit that got me into..." I catch Ryan flinch at his name and I regret bringing him up instantly, but I have to make a point.

"But then you just show up with all your innocent charm and intelligence. You're nothing like anyone I've ever met. I am so in love with your soul, Ryan Ross. And if you leave me today, then so be it, but I will never stop loving you. I promise you that much. No one will live up to you, you beautifully imperfect person."

Ryan looks at me with watery eyes and I've said all that I need to.

Suddenly a voice calls over the speakers announcing the boarding of Ryan's flight. He continues to look at me, not saying a word. I watch him swallow. He's thinking.

And then his shakes his head and I feel my heart shatter.

"Okay then..." I whisper, not capable of giving anything more than that. I compose myself. I tried. "I guess this is goodbye then. I'll miss you Ryan." I turn away from him before I break and I don't look behind me to watch him board the plane.

Eden and Spencer are waiting for me with open arms and I fall into them. They're all I've got now.

"I'm sorry, Bren."

"It's okay..." I choke out as I wipe my eyes. "At least he knows now... how much I love him."