Suck It & See (ryden)

9. Doll Baby

"Ryan, wait!" I cry, chasing the boy into the bathroom. They really seem to my choice location for private conversations lately, huh?

"You know, you lead me on and I think maybe, just maybe I could like this guy.. And then this fucking teacher, a teacher Brendon! Who the fuck is he?!" And I know he knows who he is. What he really wants to know is... What is he to me?

Do I even really know?

"Ryan you have to understand, no one knows about him. Absolutely no one. Not even Eden. I just, I'd rather talk to you about this in a more private setting. Come home with me today and I'll tell you everything." I plead, my body reaching for his, but I don't. Now is not the time.

"Why the fuck should I?" Ryan hisses, arms crossed.

"Because you mean more to me than to just leave this alone!" I yell back, heat warming my cheeks. "Now can we please just go back to the table and act like this didn't happen because I don't think you understand what would happen to me if this got out..." I say my voice dwindling into a whisper, fear pound in my chest.

Ryan seems to notice my paranoia and nods slowly. "Okay... But you better not leave out a single fucking thing." I agree and follow him to the lunch table where the rest of the day goes on without incident.

***

"I met him last year, the end of last year to be exact. I'd always seen him around school, but never actually had him as a tutor until then." Ryan watched intently from my bed, hands folded in his lap.

I on the other hand was pacing around my room nervously. I've never told anyone about this, never vocalized the truth... Which was that I slept with one of my teachers. Plain and simple.

"When he started tutoring me, he was so charming and the way he talked about poetry was damn near incredible... He was just really fascinating. And I'd fallen in love with him before I could catch myself." A lump quickly formed in my throat thinking about the times I had with James... before things went south.

Ryan frowns but let's me continue. "That's when I saw him outside of school one day, at a college party I was invited to."

"Thought parties wasn't you thing."

"I thought maybe college parties would be less awful... They quite possibly are worse." I shrug. Carrying on with a sad smile, I take off into the beginning of the dark. The best of the bad. "He saw me by myself and just grinned, like he'd just won the lottery. No ones ever looked at me like that. Except for him..."

I sigh and sit next to Ryan, my chest aching. I don't want to go on, but I promised. A reassuring hand falls on my knee and it feels better for a moment. A very short moment.

"He just sauntered over and started talking to me like it were a normal day... About anything and everything. Except he was calling me baby the whole time. Obviously he had some alcohol in his system." I know first hand how alcohol affects people.

"He didn't take advantage of you did he?" Ryan asks, grips tightening on my knee. I shake my head quickly.

"God no. He just was loosened up around me. And he let himself want me... Either way, as the night went on, no more alcohol in his system than before, he started to get more touchy. We were talking about something I felt particular strongly about and before I could stop myself... I kissed him." And that was it. That's what started it all. It wasn't romantic, what happened with us. It was sneaky and dirty, but we didn't care.

Because we're all looking for love right?

"I ended sleeping with him the next night when he showed up at my house." Ryan's hand was gone at this point. I know... This is when things get bad, when you start to realize what we were actually doing. How illegal it was. I've already been though it a hundred times over.

"God how old is he, Brendon?"

"Was 23 when we started it." Ryan let out, more or less, a sigh of relief. Six years. Not as bad as other 'student/teacher' relationships have been, I know.

"He started coming over more often, told my mom he was tutoring me. She thought he was a student. Looks young enough to be. Either way it got to the point where we could barely keep our hands off each other." Ryan shook his head like he didn't want to hear it. I know, Kitten. I know. "One day we fucked up bad. There was a girl he was sorta talking to, I didn't think she was important though. She walked in on us going at it in his apartment one day and... well she threatened to go to the public about it if James didn't cut me out of his life immediately."

I can feel the tears building in my eyes and I don't want to say it. Don't want to acknowledge what he did. But there's no denying it. "He just looked at me with this sorry eyes and I knew right then who he was picking... That was the last time I've ever seen him until today. 6 months he went without saying a word to me. And now he's just waltzing back into my life like its nothing."

"That must hurt a lot, Bren..." Ryan says sadly. "I want to be mad at you... But I have no reason to be. But this Mr. Douglas... I could kill him."

"It's not his fault. He didn't want to lose his job." I whisper. I was mad at him, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't his fault. Not at all. We both made mistakes.

"Are you going to do it?" Ryan looks at his lap, fear in his voice.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, so if you want to break it off now, I wouldn't blame you. I certainly wouldn't want to deal with an indecisive baby like myself."

Ryan looks at me and shakes his head. "No, I'm going to fight for you." And I can't help but compare Ryan to a baby doll in the moment. Porcelain skin, pink cheeks, pouty lips. He's really so beautiful. "Until you tell me not to. I'll fight."

My chest expands at the boys conviction. Nodding, I pull the frail boy into my arms. "Thank you for listening to me." Ryan sniffles a little but I feel him nod.

"You're worth it."