5121|| Spencer Reid Fan Fiction

Chapter 9

"What?" It's all my mouth can say. "Did you follow me?" I feel a dense wave of suffocation trembling onto my body. This is exactly what I didn't want Spencer to start doing. I never wanted him to follow me everywhere i go. I never wanted him to feel so worried about me that he started suffocating me.
"No. No- I'd never do that" He quickly stops my mind from going further.
"How do you know where i was then?" I didn't think I'll ever need to explain myself in front of him. I always felt safe enough and trusted enough that he won't judge me or question my actions.
"Rossi went to talk to him because he still tried to figure out the depth of his murders. He's working for his next book and he saw you leaving scared. He didn't want to say anything to me but he was just worried Hayden and frankly i am too. Why'd you feel like going there? And why didn't you tell me?" He asks and i sigh not knowing what i feel about the whole situation right now.

"Just like Rossi, i need to understand why he did the things he did and i needed to remind myself he's locked for good. Because honestly Spencer, every time i step foot outside this apartment, i see his face lurking in the shadows. And I didn't tell you because i was afraid of this exact reaction." I run my hands through my hair trying to think if I'm actually mad at him for finding out or mad at myself for not being able to trust him enough to tell him myself.

"I just want to make sure you're alright. When he had you I thought I'll go crazy because i was not able to help you and now i just want to make sure nothing's gonna happen to you."
"I get it Spence, but i need to prove myself i can be independent again. And I appreciate everything you do for me but I don't want to feel suffocated..." i close my eyes afraid of things taking a bad turn.

He takes a step closer to me and wraps his arms around me but I can't move.
"I'm sorry. I'll try to give you more space if that's what you're asking for." I nod at his words feeling something in me break as he takes his go bag and leaves.

I break down and cry as i think of being pregnant with Harry. I can't do that to Spencer. I need to know for sure I'm really pregnant so i take my car keys and drive to my gynecologist. My head is all over the place. What am i gonna do if the answer is positive for sure? I can't give up that baby. It has no fault. I can't make Spencer raise that child. It's not his. I'm lost in my own thoughts and I can't seem to escape.

Doctor tells me to go home and rest because she'll call me when the test comes back, but what am I going to do home?
I feel haunted by guilt and fear. I'm terrified of tomorrow. He should've just killed me because it would've been a lot easier. Mandy should've lived. I'm not strong like Spencer and his team say. I can't seem to move on with my life. I can't seem to go back to the Hayden i was.

I take my laptop and hack the hospital's computer looking through their data base, looking for un update. I can't wait until the doctor receives the results. I need to know now. As i search for my laptop charger I find in the nightstand my engagement ring and my heart skips a beat. Spencer said it was still in evidence. Why haven't he gave it back to me? Does he have second thoughts about us too? As I look at it I remember the day he proposed and i want to feel like that before. I want that joy and happiness back. I want to feel in love like that again.

*flashback*
"Are you ok?" I ask him as his ribs are bruised and his arm has bandage wrapped because of the bullet that ripped his skin.
"Yeah." He sighs struggling to put a tee shirt on himself. "Here, let me help you." I move quickly towards him.
"Are you hungry?" I ask looking at his face but he shakes his head staring back at me. I hate when i know I can't do anything to make him feel better. When i heard he got shot my heart stopped and now looking at him being so silent I'm afraid. Whenever he leaves i know he's not safe and my mind barely lets me get anything done.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask but again he shakes his head.
"Spence... this can't be healthy. You can't keep everything in. I'm here for you. I'm here to listen and help you get through whatever may come your way." He gives me a weak smile and nods.
"I know." He gulps looking away.
"Do you?" I smile confused because it seems like whenever he comes home, he shuts down completely.
"Yes." He doesn't seem to give me anything to work with and it makes it so hard for me so i just nod. I turn around to go in the kitchen to make coffee because I know he wants it, even though he doesn't say a word. He needs to talk to me.
"Not talking to you about what goes down on field doesn't mean I don't want to let you in." He softly whispers and i turn my head to see him looking at me.
"I know." I smile and he raises his brows.
"You think you'll protect me if I don't know how hard it really is... but-"
"No." He interrupts me shaking his head.
"It's because whenever i step foot in this house my brain instantly finds peace and whenever i look at you, i seem to forget every horrible thing men do and I don't want to think about that when I'm with you. It's enough I'm thinking about it when I'm away, so I don't want to talk about it when I'm with you because i want to cherish every moment i get with you." He looks like he means it and i want to believe every word, but it's hard for me to look at him all bruised up and not know what goes down in his mind.
"Spence... I need you to talk about what you experience out there, if not for your health then for my own." I say and he gulps looking at me.
"Ok." He gives in, following me to the kitchen.
I make coffee and as he's watching he starts talking.
"It was just another day on the field, the Unsub was holding captive a woman and i knew that the only way to save her, it was putting my gun down and going there, to talk him down." I gulp looking at his arm, I can't help but think what would i do if it would've been his chest that got shot.
"Hey-" he changes his voice somehow into a softer one. Spence comes near me and cups my face.
"I'm ok, it's a minor wound, I'm used to this. I've been worse." He smiles weakly and i nod.
"Everyone got out alive, and that's what's important."
"Everyone?" I ask thinking about the man who killed three other human beings.
"Yes, Morgan shot the Unsub in the leg. He's alive too."
I nod studying Reid's face.
I lean into his hand and caress it softly with mine.
"I love how brave you are, going there unarmed, talking to a monster." I smile and he chuckles softly.
"To be fair, Derek was armed behind me. I knew he had my back." He speaks as I pour coffee into the mugs.
"Yeah, that's comforting." I say and i know he hears the 20% sarcasm in my voice.
"It is." He on the other hand, means his words a hundred percent.
"You know. Something was different today." He adds and i sip on my coffee listening to him.
"Usually when I'm on the field, talking to the Unsub, my mind is there. Today, for the first time, I was scared." I furrow my brows at his words. I'd be scared too if someone was pointing a gun at me. He reads my mind and shakes his head.
"Not because there was a possibility for me to die, but because there was a possibility for me not to tell you everything i feel and there was a moment when my mind was thinking of all the words i want to say to you." I smile biting my lip.
"I love you too Spence and i know you love me, you don't have to be scared about me not knowing that, because i do. I feel it, I don't need words." I smile and he shakes his head.
"Not that, i mean, that too, but - I just want you to know that this year has been the best year of my life, I never believed I'd learn to really love someone like i love you and I never thought I'd want to spend the rest of all the days i have with someone else. But today, being out there, all i could think of was seeing your face, coming home to you and when i was on the jet I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Because i want to come home to you forever." His eyes start glowing and i see his hand searching his pocket and my eyes go wide.
"And all i can do right now is hope you feel the same way." I gulp looking shocked at the ring in his hands.
"Will you do me the honor to call you my wife?" I'm speechless because he took me by surprise and I can't seem to make a sound.
"I know it might seem too early, but I love you and i know there's no one in this whole world, I'd want to grow old with. And i know that-"
"Yes Spence. Yes." I feel my heart overwhelmed and every cell of my body shakes. I'd never imagine I'd ever want to get married, because marriage is a concept that always seemed too complicated for my likings.
"Seriously?" He seems more surprised by my answer than i was by his questions.
"Yes Spence. I love you."
*end of flashback*