Teach Me

Dean, Stop The Car

a/n: i am so angry i had to re-write like half of this bc it accidentally got deleted abdbdbsjen

Castiel looked and felt like shit, it was like he had slept on a bag of rocks instead of a real bed. He had his backpack strapped on and his hiking boots were laced up neatly, foot tapping impatiently inside of one as he waited outside of Superstore for Dean to show. There were bags under his eyes, sleeping on a park bench hadn't done him any favours at all, but thankfully the sun was shining and the sky was azure blue and cloudless as could be. Cas's eyes shifted nervously over the busy parking-lot, they'd went out of their way to avoid campus where all the nosy students would be bustling about but it didn't put Castiel any more at ease. If someone saw them - anyone - it wouldn't take long for rumours to start to fly. Castiel closed his eyes and tried to breath, feeling the sunshine on his skin. Suddenly there came the tell-tale rumble of Dean's classic car and Castiel spotted it gliding easily between the sea of shining automobiles like a dark night. His heart rate doubled at the sight and sound of it. Seeing the Impala washed him in relief but also gave him butterflies of anticipation. When the car rolled up beside him however, Cas's heart-rate TRIPLED. Dean was sitting there in the drivers seat, looking at him through the opposing open window. The sunshine was laying across his lap like an obedient dog, reflecting off his sexy, jean covered thighs and causing the bluish light to set his tanned skin aglow. The quality of the light was just enough to emphasize his green eyes and constellation of freckles, and to cast a shadow that outlined his body against the dark seats. He was relaxed, one hand resting on the wheel, the other just to the left of his crotch. Dean looked like he should be in an advertisement for motorcycles or cologne, not sitting outside a Superstore on an unseasonably warm fall day to pick up his illicit lover.
"You gonna get in, or are you just gonna stare at me?" Dean said slyly as he cracked a heart attack inducing grin.
Castiel tried to reply but found no words, so he opened one of the vehicles huge doors with a creaking noise and slammed it once he was inside, the tinny noise reverberating through the metal.
"You look handsome," Dean commented as he spun the wheel around his thumb and began backing out.
Castiel's face felt numb. He didn't look handsome, he looked like he'd ran a marathon before he got here. Sweat coating his upper lip, dark circles under his eyes, hair not even bothered with.
"Heh, right."
Dean checked him out as he was pulling onto the highway, he'd tried to be discreet but it was painfully obvious and Castiel caught his eye. Cas gave him a look.
"What!" Dean defended. "I was just admiring the view."
"If by 'view' you mean this sleep-deprived asshole," Castiel grumbled.
"Well I think sleep-deprived is a good look on you," Dean replied, eyes watching the road again. "Makes you look sexy, undone," he said quieter, almost like he was embarrassed to say it out loud.
Castiel didn't know what to say. He shook his head, smiling to himself. Dean never failed to amaze him, he felt like an equal next to him and it was so easy to forget (maybe too easy) that this man was someone who he shouldn't be with. Someone who he was forbidden from.
"So," Dean broke the momentary silence. "It's a bit of a long drive."
"How far?"
"Eh, give or take two hours."
"That's not too bad," Cas said. They were trying to keep talking but neither one of them could think of anything to say. Both Cas and Dean felt the tension building, one of them had to talk about something. It was too awkward to sit here in silence the whole way.
"Music?" Dean asked.
"Sure."
Dean clicked the radio on.

I want you to stay
don't go away
here comes the night
Stay
don't be alone
here comes the night

Castiel sighed quietly, letting the music wash over him, letting the situation he was in wash over him. He felt whole just then. He felt the ease of the music taking away the need to speak, he saw the fall colours speed by as Dean drove further out off the beaten path. The oranges and reds blended together outside his window like a watercolour painting, soothing and stimulating to the senses. Dean's Impala smelled like campfire, motor oil and tobacco flowers. Everything about it, the leather seats that squeaked ever so slightly when you moved, the obvious wear of use, it felt like an extension of Dean, an extension of the man he was falling for. Falling for. How had this happened? Castiel imagined the first time he saw his history professor. Was it then? He shook his head slightly as he stared out the window. It hadn't been then, it was pure lust in that moment. Had it been when he thought he was Jennifer? Had it been after that? In the bathroom of Ryebacks when Dean ran his beer-soaked shirt out in the sink? When he stood half naked and drunk in front of someone he wasn't supposed to be so attracted to? This had all happened so quickly, it was a blur, just like the forest that was rushing by outside.
Dean turned the music down.

"You doing good over there?" he inquired.
Cas breathed in and turned to look over at Dean, knowing the air would be sucked out just as quickly by his piercing green eyes, his stubble, his - his everything. He smiled when their eyes met, Dean looked so innocent, he was just asking but it was obvious that he really cared. "Yeah I'm doing good, it's really beautiful out here."
Dean smiled back and fixed his attention onto the gravel road ahead of them. Cas wasn't sure when they'd turned off pavement, maybe he'd been more lost in his thoughts than he assumed. Dean tapped his finger on the steering wheel to the quiet beat of the music. "Yeah, I like to come here sometimes when it all gets a little much, you know?"
"I understand, I used to do something similar back home, but then I just went for long walks."
Dean hummed. "It's nice to clear the head, nature's good that way."
Castiel thought how he wouldn't be able to clear his head when Dean was around, no matter where he was.
"I agree, it puts things in perspective."
"Yeah," Dean said as he signalled and turned down another road. "But I mean it doesn't help you run from pre-existing problems."
Castiel felt that familiar punch in his gut whenever he thought about how bad things used to be, how bad he wanted to run.
"Hey," Dean said, calling Cas back to earth. "I didn't mean to get to philosophical on you."
"I know," Cas replied, trying to shake off the blue tide that'd just came in over him. "What kind of stuff do you come here to put in perspective?"
Dean was quiet for a moment. "Lots of different things," he said soulfully but then laughed. "Maybe I look like I've got my life together but man, shit's a mess up here." He tapped the side of his head.
Castiel thought about this, not really believing it. "But you've got a nice house and a great job you seem to love, what gives?" He hated himself for asking this, knowing all too well that superficial things like belongings weren't a direct link to happiness.
Dean exhaled through his nose, "I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything."
"Oh I know, I know," Castiel covered quickly, his face burning in embarrassment.
"No, I didn't mean it like that," Dean replied, shooting Cas a meaningful look. "I mean I've got a good life and I'm more fortunate than a lot of people but still. There's always gonna be those little things right?"
"Yeah, true."
"Like for example," Dean continued, "I have payments on just about everything. I've got payments on my house, my TV, my fucking computer, I've got credit card bills coming out of my ears. I mean who does that? Who honestly pays for things with money they don't have, I'm such an idiot, god!" Dean nearly shouted, he was getting really heated about this, but suddenly he remembered where he was and shut his mouth. "I'm sorry, it's just stressful because if I don't have income then there's literally no way I can make paymen-"
Castiel cut him off. "What?!" he shrieked, suddenly realizing something.
Dean looked at Cas, surprised at the outburst. He stared at him and then swerved abruptly when he realized he was on the wrong side of the road. "Jesus Cas, what?"
"Dean stop the car."
"What the fuck?"
"Stop it." Castiel's face was burning, he felt horrible, he felt sick.
Dean stared at Cas again before looking back to the road and pulling over. As soon as the car was stopped Cas opened the squeaky door and leaped out. He started walking out behind the vehicle, pacing more like. He put his hands on either side of his head and tried to suppress the panicky feeling rising inside of him. Cas heard Dean get out of the car behind him and slam the door.
"Castiel what the hell is going on?!" Dean sounded more concerned than angry.
"Dean what-" Castiel tried to keep his emotions under control. "Dean," he started and then said again, in almost a whisper; "what the fuck."
"What??" Dean questioned, his face twisted into a strange expression of extreme disbelief.
"Dean how could you do-" Cas's words caught in his throat and he choked on them.
Dean walked towards him quickly, looking like he was moving to wrap Cas in his arms, but he hesitated, unsure how to react to Cas throwing this fit. "Baby, what'd I do?" he said, voice a hush.
Cas could barely keep the tears from falling. What was he doing? Why was he doing this to Dean? Why was Dean doing this to himself? "Dean, you and me... You could loose your job because of me, and if you loose your job, you'd loose everything," Cas's voice broke. "Because of me."
The furrow in Dean's brow disappeared like clouds clearing to reveal sun. His expression softened and he took the last few steps towards Cas and wrapped his strong arms around the other man.
Cas felt safer like this, but it didn't stop a few hot tears from spilling over, it didn't fix how sick he felt. He wasn't worth any of this. He wasn't worth it at all.