Teach Me

The Truth of the Matter

a/n: i am writing this at 2am while eating a chicken sandwich and crying

"Dean," Castiel spoke into Dean's shoulder and he released him. Dean held him at arms length and Cas stared into his deep green eyes. There it was again, that sick feeling.
"Cas baby,"
"Dean you could loose everything I can't let you, I can't let you do this," Castiel's heart felt like it was splintering apart inside his chest. He wanted Dean so badly that it physically hurt but, Castiel reminded himself, he couldn't always have what he wanted. The tears started to well up in his eyes again. Castiel felt disgusting, he hated to be like this in front of Dean.
"Well that's fucking tough," Dean said, his voice rising. He was seemed like he was starting to get angry and he snapped his hands away from Cas's arms. "Because you can't make my choices for me!"
Cas couldn't feel his limbs, he didn't want Dean to be angry.
"You're acting like a child! You think I want to loose my job? You think I want to fuck up my life on purpose? Do you THINK that you have to save me from myself? Huh?" Dean was full out yelling now.
"No, Dean I just don't wa-"
"Well maybe you should stop for one god damn minute and think about what I want!"
"But-" Cas was shaking, the tears were falling and he couldn't stop them. His head was spinning.
"No! Castiel there's only one thing I want. And it's fucking MENTAL! But all I want is you okay?" Dean was panting.
Castiel was breathless. The earth had stopped rotating.
"I don't give a flying fuck about the other stuff," Dean said more quietly.
The silence of the forest filled both their ears consumingly. It swallowed them and held them tense. Neither of them wanted to look each other in the eye. Cas was staring at his shoes like they were the most interesting things in the world and Dean had turned the other way to run his hand over his face. Cas stared at Dean's back, and his outline. He felt terrible, he felt like he wanted to shrink into himself. He wasn't worth this! He wanted to scream. Why did Dean want him?? How did they even get in this position? Castiel was not worthy of someone like Dean. Dean deserved so much more. Cas couldn't wrap his head around why he'd risk everything for someone like him. The emotions he was suddenly feeling seemed to come out of nowhere but he knew that it was just his past rearing it's ugly head once again. It felt like it would never leave him, like it was a ball and chain that he would have to drag around forever.
"Cas," Dean started, turning back towards him. "Is there something else behind this?"
Castiel paled, he didn't want to talk about this. He didn't want to think about it. His emotions had changed so quickly that it almost gave him whiplash, and he felt horrible, he felt deeply guilty for doing this to Dean. These were his problems, and he didn't need to put them on anyone, much less his devastatingly handsome professor.
"I'm so sorry Dean," Castiel tried to collect himself but his mind was too busy screaming at him how much of an embarrassment and a failure he was. Cas was choked. In that moment he hated himself more than he had in a very long time.
"Castiel," Dean pleaded.
He never spoke about that part of his life. He never said anything about how bad it had been. "I can't talk about it."
Suddenly Dean was there. He was holding his hands. He was looking into his eyes. "It's okay."
"Dean, if I talk about it then... then I'll remember everything and I-" Castiel was a wreck. Everything was suddenly crashing down on him. He should have known that getting intimate with someone again would have repercussions.
"I think I better take you home," Dean said gently. Somehow understanding that Castiel was breaking down, that the dam inside of him had busted.
Castiel nodded tearfully, half out of relief and half out of humiliation.
"Come on baby," Dean said as he guided Castiel to the car. He opened the door and buckled him in like he was a little kid, kissing his cheek softly as he pulled back. "It's all gonna be alright baby," he hushed before closing the door.

***

Ten blankets. That's exactly how many Dean had decided Cas needed to feel better. When they'd gotten to Dean's house Cas had had to convince him that he didn't need to be carried inside. As soon as he stepped through the doorway however, Dean had swooped down on him, eased him onto his cream-coloured couch and set about making about fifteen different types of herbal tea just to see which one Castiel liked the best. It was obvious that Dean was worried and also that he didn't have a fucking clue how to react to a full grown man breaking down in front of him. But Dean was doing his best, and it was comforting all the same, even if it did make Cas feel a bit helpless.
"Dean, really you don't have to-" Castiel tried to protest as Dean shoved yet another steaming hot mug of tea into his hands, which Cas promptly put down next to the three other ones on the coffee table.
"If you don't like that one I can go make another? I have five more flavours."
Castiel smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm pretty sure I have enough tea."
"Oh." Dean sat down in an armchair quietly.
Cas pushed off all the blankets that he had somehow ended up covered with, and sat up. He still felt terrible and like he was going to collapse into a shaking sobbing mess, but Dean didn't need to know that. "I'm fine."
Dean looked at him for a few seconds, blinking deliberately. "No you're not."
Cas tried to smile but it felt like corners of his mouth just would not turn up, so it ended up looking more like a grimace. When he realized it wasn't working, he dropped the act. "Okay, so maybe I'm not okay. Maybe I'm fucked up, what different does it make?"
Dean looked at him with pain in his eyes. "You really don't see how fascinating and fantastic you are do you?"
Castiel closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose. He tried not to cry, he tried not to snap.
"Can you tell me?" Dean asked tentatively.
Castiel sighed and pulled his knees up to his chest. Everything was starting to hurt again and if he went back to that place he'd been, just to tell Dean, he might not be able to get back out again.
"Castiel, I want to help you. I want you to know that you can trust me. Cas, you're probably the best thing that's happened to me for a very long time and I just-"
"Dean!" Castiel yelled, standing up from the couch so fast that his shins banged painfully on the coffee table. The teacup fell against the table and one of them broke, hot tea spilled everywhere, it burned his skin. He barely felt it. Dean looked scared but it didn't register. "Why do you care so much?! I am nothing! I'm just a kid compared to you!"
Dean was quiet for a few heartbeats and all Castiel could hear was the blood rushing in his ears. Dean had treated him like no one else ever had, and here he was pushing him away because of his own pain, his own problems. Dean was hard to look at, because his face was contorting with something akin to heartbreak, but it was more similar to anger. He stood up as well. "Cas why won't you tell me what is going on! I can't help you, I can't do anything for you if you won't let me in?! Why don't you trust me?"
Something thin and taught snapped inside of Cas. "I was in an abusive relationship okay! And it fucked me up and I can't-" his voice shattered. "I can't drag you down like that."
Dean stood there, suddenly still, swaying on his feet like a man who'd been punched but had yet to fall. Tears were streaming freely down Castiel's face now and everything felt numb and searing white.
He couldn't do this. He couldn't hold himself together no matter how much he wanted to.
He turned and ran, like a thief leaving the scene of the crime.