Teach Me

You Are Not Alone

a/n: oookay so i haven't updated since early June, and for that i apologize. I also apologize because apparently 4-5 month ago me decided to throw a tragic past into the mix when i have no idea how to write one that is convincing or even moderately good! So again i apologize, but here,,, ladies and gentlemen,, is the newest chapter.

Castiel found himself in a strange bed, and started, bolting upright. His head quickly chastised him for the sudden movement, brain painfully throbbing behind his eyes, forehead and temples. He groaned and eased himself back down onto the pillows, entire body feeling like it'd been beaten with a meat tenderizer. Castiel tried to survey his surroundings from his limited position and didn't come up with much of anything, except... The sheets he was laying in smelled distinctly like Dean. Was he in Dean's bed?? How did he get here? Castiel felt sick, his stomach hurt along with the rest of him. And his hands and knees, they stung, they felt like he'd attacked them with sandpaper. He looked down at his palms - they appeared that way too, all scratched up and red. Suddenly Castiel's stomach dropped, he'd lost time, he remembered loosing his cool, running out, the flashbacks... This only ever happened when Cas had an episode, it was a bad sign, he'd thought his mental health was getting better. Apparently being in another moderately intimate relationship had been enough to set it off again, even though Dean was nothing like he'd ever known.
Riley had touched Cas like he was breakable, but he'd used that fact as power. Dean on the other hand, touched Cas like he was breakable too, but he used it as tenderness, he didn't want to hurt him. Tears filled Cas's eyes, up until now it seemed like everyone had been out to hurt him. Now, the only person hurting Cas was himself and his old demons. Would he never be free?
Suddenly there were footsteps upon the stair outside the room. Cas's first impulse was to bolt upright in bed again, but he remembered the sudden pain behind his temples he'd felt the first time and thought better of it. The bedroom door was opening, it had to be Dean. Cas sighed, he must look like he crawled out from under a rock, this was the last way he wanted Dean to see him.
"Cas!" Dean cried, hurriedly putting down the tray of breakfast he was carrying onto the dresser. He rushed over to the bedside, his face a mask of worry. "Baby, how are you??"
Castiel felt his face grow hot and he knew he was blushing; partly because of Dean's attention and also because of the state he'd been in last night. "I'm fine Dean," he answered gruffly.
Dean only raised an incredulous but concerned eyebrow in response.
Cas cleared his throat, "I feel better, uh really I do." He tried to hide his scratched and prone palms from Dean, knowing full well that he'd already seen.
"Oh baby, I was so worried, I can't even begin to explain how -" Professor Winchester broke off realizing that he probably sounded like a needy teenage girl. He grabbed Castiel's hand to replace the words he hadn't spoken and he felt the scabbed skin against his own. Cas visibly winced.
"I'm - I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Castiel said suddenly, his voice a broken whisper. He looked at their hands intertwined on the sheets and felt profoundly sad for reasons he couldn't quite explain.
"No baby it's okay, I understand," Dean smiled sadly reaching up to card his fingers through Castiel's soft dark hair.
Cas shivered at the touch but couldn't help throwing Dean an incredulous look, how could he even begin to understand what he'd been through with Riley?
Dean drew in a shaky breath. "My old man, he wasn't exactly uh-" he chuckled coldly, "what you would call a loving father. He was pretty hard on my brother and me."
Cas felt his face flush, he shouldn't have been so thoughtless of Dean's own past, which clearly, he knew nothing about. He lifted his head, his blue eyes meeting Dean's green.
"What I mean is," Dean cleared his throat lowly, "that if you think no one can understand what it's like to be in that kind of position, um well, I just wanted to let you know that I've kind of been there before too."
Tears were brimming up, making Cas's vision blur. How did Dean find him? How did he get lucky enough to meet this amazing amazing man? How was it that he seemed to care for him so much, when Castiel had felt that there was no part of him worth caring for?
"I don't want to keep secrets from you Dean but I can't talk about that part of my life, I just can't, I just want it to be in the past but it keeps following me and I-" Cas's words came out all at once and his voice broke, an involuntary sob slipped out from between his chapped baby-pink lips making his ribs tighten against his lungs. It was all falling away again, reality was slipping at the edges and then suddenly Dean was wrapping him up, shielding him with his big strong arms, protecting him in a tight embrace. And Castiel felt himself coming down, he felt himself become grounded again but the tears continued to flow. Dean held him and rocked back and forth, shushing and whispering that all would be all right.
And for the first time in a long time, Castiel got the sense that it really would be.