Hooked The Making of an Addict

Chapter Twelve: Struggle

For the next week it was the same routine. 

Wake up.

Breakfast in silence. 

Ride to school in silence.

Avoid CeCe all day. 

Ride home in silence. 

Eat dinner in silence. 

Go to sleep. 

Over and over and over again. 

I liked my routine before I had friends. But now I felt lonelier than ever. I hated not talking to them but I knew if I did it would bring me down. I wished for time to go by faster. I Just wanted to be on my own. Really on my own. With complete control over my own life. 

I sat in my independent study not getting any work done. I just kept thinking about how life could change so drastically as quickly as it did. 

Family. 

No family.

Friends. 

No friends. 

Fear. 

No fear. 

Just an endless cycle of being given things that get suddenly get ripped out from under me. Sometimes it's a good thing but other times it's beyond the line of horrible. 

I sat here in my independent study thinking about my current situation. Replaying every action in my head. I knew I should have been working. I had a certain amount I had to do everyday or I was back in the stupid classroom but I just couldn't keep my mind focused. I could only think about finding out where exactly my life went wrong. 

Trying drugs?

No everyone does it. They are perfectly fine right?

Everything was fine before my mom died wasn't it?

No. Not really. I couldn't pretend it was anymore. 

Maybe it was when my dad started drinking?

No. He had always been drinking. Could I even really blame him for my problems?

I tried so hard to think back to when my life was good. Truly good. But I couldn't find it. I could only find fake memories of a life I created in my head to hide the truth from myself. 

The bell rang and made me jump. I had absolutely nothing written on my paper. I was going to fail this class if I couldn't get my focus back. 

I heard the footsteps and chairs moving as the other students left. I didn't even want to move. I knew it was going to be bad if I couldn't turn in some sort of assignment today. This would be the third time in a week that I missed one. 

"What's on your mind?" Mr. Turner said entering the room.

Once again I was startled. How could I tune out my surroundings so easily?

"Nothing." I answered trying to pack my book bag as quickly as possible. 

"You've barely done anything. You might as well be sitting in the class with the rest of the students your going to fail anyways."

"I'm just having a hard time focusing."

"Obviously. So you want to tell me what's going on?"

"Not really."

"Alright. I'm not going to make you talk. But this is your last chance. You turn in another blank paper tomorrow and you're back in the regular class."

"It won't happen again." I tried to promise. 

I left the room before he could say anything else. I didn't want to hear another lecture on how I needed to get it together I gave myself enough of those today. 

I spent the rest of the day following my routine. 

Silent ride home. 

Silent dinner. 

Go to sleep. 

Only tonight I couldn't sleep. I just laid awake staring at the wall. My mind wouldn't slow down. I couldn't stop thinking about every last detail of my life. I kept trying to find things I could have done differently. Would it have made any significant difference? Could I really change anything at this point?

The thoughts raced through my mind until I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to do it but I had to get sleep. I couldn't go through tomorrow tired it would just make it worse. 

I carefully crawled out of bed trying hard not to make any noise. I didn't want to wake up Oli. 

I sneaked over to his side table and pulled open the door as quietly as I could, watching him the entire time. I wasn't sure how I was going to explain myself if he woke up. 

I quickly felt for the pills. A couple of them should help me sleep. I needed to just relax right? I needed to get the thoughts to go back to my subconscious and lock themselves there. 

I grabbed to and shut the bottle back in the drawer exactly how I had found it. I hoped he wouldn't notice some missing. 

At this point I was nervous. I knew I shouldn't be doing this but I really needed these thoughts to just go away. I needed to go to sleep.

I stood there for what felt like hours before finally swallowing the pills and laying back in my bed. I hoped I would soon be sleeping.

I still couldn't sleep though. The thoughts were gone but now I had this sudden feeling of energy I just wanted to get up and move. My legs were twitching ready to move. I didn't want to wake up everyone but I couldn't lay here anymore. I needed to do something. Anything. 

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to do something so I went downstairs and out the door. I wasn't expecting it to be unlocked and I wasn't expecting to see CeCe sitting on the front steps. Crying. 

I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I could turn around now and continue avoiding her or I could talk to her. Try to make her feel better. Be there for her like she was for me. 

I stood in the doorway completely frozen. Five seconds ago I had to move. I had to do something. Now I couldn't do anything but stand there and watch. Wonder. 

She turned around to look at me. I guess she heard the door open. Mascara was running down her face and her eyes were puffy and red. I knew I needed to just walk away. I knew I needed to avoid her. 

But I couldn't. She was the best kind of drug and I was addicted.