An Ode to a Friend

Chapter - 2

After few days of observation I was wheeled in ward number 7.

Gladis took me to my bed, it had a huge bay window, with a wire mesh and grills, overlooking the hospital garden. She told me that I was going to be sharing the room with 3 other people. "That's Mrs.Crae, there's Carla and the blonde over there is Daphne." She said as she pointed them out to me. Being around people was supposed to help me with accepting my 'new state'. I was too exhausted to tell her I preferred to be alone even before 'this'. But like I said I was just too exhausted.

The first few days after the accident were hell. I'd totally forget all about the fact that my legs were absolutely useless now and I would try to get out of my bed following which realisation would come crashing down and tiny sobs would escape me but I would quickly cover my mouth so no one will know. All I would do, all day and every day, was just sit and stare out at the garden, read a book or two or contemplate about my life.

Sitting by that window I became aware that life had always been constant episodes of distress for me with extremely rare instances of joy.

From the very beginning I had been different, not in such an obvious way as this but I had always been so different. I was a far cry from what my family considered normal. In the beginning it was great and I felt special. But after a while the truth, that being different only meant feeling alone in a room full of people, hit home and it changed everything. Suddenly being different became a curse, a nightmare from which I couldn't wake up. I distanced myself from them because of all the hurt and I walked away as soon as was possible for me to do so. And now this 'thing' was the icing on the cake of nightmares that is my life.

However much Gladis tried she couldn't get me out of my slump because I hated my life. She tried to comfort me but I hated my circumstances too much to be comforted. She told me "sweetheart you got to socialise" but I hated everyone. She told me "believe in god sweetheart he will give you strength to endure this." but I hated god for doing this to me. I hated everything and everyone but above all I hated myself. And there I found myself, again, next to my old, familiar nemesis.

'Self-hate' it eats you raw my friend and it tears your soul to shreds. I began, once more, spending my days in self-loathing and keeping people away. The only difference this time around was that I wasn't faking being okay, I wasn't pretending anymore. I was done with people, with life and it's 'adventures'. I wanted no part of it. I became as difficult as possible and didn't let anyone get close to me, life was hard enough without the drama.

But the universe hated me, it had hated me since the beginning of my life, it seemed. When I was happy & content or more likely oblivious to its horrors, it took that innocent ignorance from me and now that I was accustomed to sorrow, my life was turned upside down again.