The happily ever after we deserve

Chapter 1 (Lexa pov)

All of the days are starting to blend together. I wake up crying and screaming. Then all day I feel like I am in a coma or something where I can't feel anything. I go to sleep and have another nightmare--it keeps happening over and over and over.

All I can remember is Clarke's face when I told her that I had made the deal. I keep having the same nightmares -- Clarke comes into my room at Polis and then she turns into President Wallace. And he says, "I thought you liked her, what happened?" Every  time I wake to tears and a scream in my throat.

Right on cue, Titus comes bursting through the doors. Unsheathes his sword and gets into a fighting stance; ready to attack anyone who poses a threat. Titus looks over at me and realizes that his sword is not needed, he puts in back in the sheath. He comes over and sits on the bed and asks if I want to talk. I shake my head and he gets up and leaves. I am so glad that is all it took to make him go away, because I was five seconds away from spilling all of my guts. I want to talk to someone but who would I talk to and what would I say?

Indra says that I am the commander and I can not show my weakness, or people will think I am unfit to command. But, honestly, I couldn't care less. I have never felt like this--ever, even after I lost Costia. In my head, I know I made the logical decision. So I keep wondering; if I made the right decision then why do I feel like I had my heart ripped out of my chest. Everyday I think, today is the day Clarke will forgive me and that she will magically appear.

My people are slowly starting to get annoyed by my "feelings getting in the way." Everyday I get scolded by Titus for letting "feelings" get in the way. I don't know why he keeps trying anymore; because I just stand on the balcony of my throne room. I spend all day watching people come and go though the city.
The only Skikru person that still comes to Polis is Octavia. She only comes because Indra is still her mentor. I have no clue why though, because Indra abandoned her at Mount Weather, when Indra said "She knew where her loyalties lie" then left Octavia. The one time I tried to ask Octavia about Clarke she glared at me and shoved right passed me.

I have to end this. I have to see Clarke.  I don't care if she hates me, or screams at me, or won't even look at me. I just need to see her.

I see Octavia shoving past people on the street. I have to try to ask her about Clarke again.  For the first time in weeks I am finally going to leave my tower. I stop Octavia right by Indra's house.  I have never seen anyone so unhappy to see me.
"What do you want?"  Octavia practically growls. 
"To talk."
Indra comes outside, "Octavia are you rea--" her voice falters, Indra looks over at me, clearly very surprised to see me out of my tower. "Oh, Heda, I didn't know you were here." Indra exclaims.
I look back at Octavia, "I just want to ask one thing."
Octavia looks as if she is considering it.  "You have thirty seconds," she says.
"Clarke?"I ask. 
Octavia looks me dead in the eye," she wants nothing to do with you." 
I nod my head and walk away.
In the morning, I am going to see Clarke.  Now that I know that she is still in pain because of me, I have to go. I can't live with myself knowing she still hates me.

Authors note: I have great plans for this story but I am also open to suggestions. I really hope that if you have read this far then you actually liked it. Thank you for spending your time reading. :) BTW the picture of Clarke is supposed to be the face that is hunting Lexa.