After The Confetti Falls {Joshler}

Chapter 10: 'Til My Dying Days

"You are the poem I never knew how to write, and this life is the story I've always wanted to tell."

- Tyler Knott Gregson

Tyler sits leaning back on his hands on Josh's bedroom floor, with bottles and papers strewn about around Josh and him, and a Bing Crosby album playing softly in the background. Josh is reading every letter that Tyler wrote him while he was away aloud, and Tyler is listening, occasionally explaining his perspective at the time he wrote them. Tyler tells him not to read certain ones because he didn't know at the time why Josh was away, but Josh assures him that it's okay, and he would rather know.

"I know you didn't know, Tyler, and it's okay. I'm sure I wouldve responded the same way. I'd still rather hear all your thoughts, I missed so much." Josh says, sifting through the marked bottles. Tyler can't help but be filled with adoration at the fact that even the times Tyler was angry or sad wrongly, Josh still wants to know, and in the end, loves him just the same. You can't help but feel a little invincible at that. Tyler's eyes move around Josh's face, watching his lips more than he is hearing the words they're reading. He knows what he wrote anyways, he's here to see Josh's response. It's amazing how after all the time they were apart over the summer months, and all the years they've not loved the way they are now, they've picked up right where they left off. It's as if, in spite of the ever-present awareness of passing time that Tyler has, they've lost no time at all. Their lazy Sunday morning kisses and their passionate and reckless ones still taste the same. Their hands and bodies still fit together as well as they did when they first became lovers, and their hearts, though they've changed and weathered much, still feel the same about each other. Tyler could so easily get lost in the way Josh's lips move and form words.

"Dear Josh. Today I'm missing you like the trees miss the sunshine in the dead of winter. The kind of missing that takes every bit of life from you and leaves you will only a bitter chill in return. I know that's sad, but it's real. You're my sunshine Joshua William Dun. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You know, I used to sing that to you when you were asleep sometimes, because I thought you'd think it silly if you could hear me, but I always meant it in the most genuine way. I decided to play that on my ukulele today, and it made you feel a little less far away for just a minute when I closed my eyes. I could picture you next to me. I miss your steady eyes as I play and sing, your proud smile, the constancy of your calming presence. I miss the way you'd clap when I finished even if you were the only person in the room, and always had something sweet to say even if I just sang the most depressing ballad ever written. I miss you. I miss your thumb tracing circles on my hand as we sit in contented silence. I miss you and everything you do more than I could ever express. I want you home Josh, I'll say it every day, even if you never hear me. I want you home. Even if nothing's the same. I want you home. Ever yours, Tyler." Josh reads, and he gets that smile that he has whenever he is feeling something too big to find words for, then reaches out and pulls Tyler into a tight hug. 

"I promise I won't leave you again. I'm here to stay now, and I love you so much." Josh says into his shoulder. There are few things that feel more amazing than Josh's arms around him, holding him like he'll fade into oblivion if he lets go, with his face buried in Tyler's shoulder. 

"I love you too, Josh." Tyler says, because it's the only coherent thing he can possible think to say right now, and it's everything he's ever wanted to express in the simplest words. If he could write a letter every day for the rest of his life he's certain he still would never be able to express what it's like to love Josh. He will still try though, even if he can never speak all the things he wishes he could. Loving him is like standing on the bow of a ship with wonder and admiration, lungs filled with salty air, looking out at the ocean and realizing you're in love with every inch of it and you can't even see the end; knowing that if you spent your whole life searching its width and depth you could never know all of it, and yet you're recklessly abandoned to the pull of its tide and the way it moves you with its waves. Loving him is oceanic. When did he become a poet? He always thought himself too dorky to think that way. He's never written a true love song in his life, and yet every time he's with Josh now, his words have eloquence, or he has no words at all. Poetry. Josh's laughter is poetry. Josh is poetry and everything he does, everything he is. He doesn't know how people go on living their lives and don't know him. He's the colour to Tyler's grey world. The summer to his winter. He often wonders what it would've been like if they had met when he was younger; if Tyler would have had such a hard time getting through his life, or if they never would have gotten to know each other. It doesn't really matter though, because all he knows for certain is that his life is infinitely better because Joshua William Dun is in it, however they found each other. Tyler looks at Josh while No Other Love plays, his eyes glistening with admiration as he watches Josh's lips turn up at the edges when he reads something sweet, and lets the sound of Josh's summer rain voice wash over him. Yes, he's so glad they found each other. When Josh is finished the last letter he laughs, because he does that when he's taking in something amazing, and then sits grinning stupidly for at least a minute.