Prophecy: Tome of Magic

8. Blood On Your Hands

Nina had been absolutely right-the sun did have to rise sometime. She stood at the sink in Cliff's kitchen, dishes in hand as she watched out of the window to the beautiful sky that was giving birth to such striking pastels as the blackness of the night faded away. It was like a breath of hope, and she could feel a pinching in her chest as she viewed it. Though she tried to keep her head up, day after day, there was a certain inevitability to her life that rose up and claimed her from time to time. That inevitability was the truth. Sometimes it was hard to keep the faith and be cheerful, and now the sunrise was like a spotlight, illuminating her and showing what was within-empty-and she felt ugly.

"What, no goodbye kiss?" Cliff called to her after she'd mumbled a quick farewell and began to leave, finished with her visit. She knew he wasn't altogether serious, that he wasn't sad about it, but the fact that he mentioned it at all instead of pushing her out of the door gave way to some surprise.

"Sorry, I almost forgot," going through the motions she crossed back over to him, leaning down and finding that he stopped her.

"Somethings different about you," he looked at her emotionlessly as he toyed with her necklace-the one he'd returned to her when he'd made it clear he would never love her that way again. "Isn't it?"

"No, it's nothing, don't worry about it." Her first instinct was to dismiss it, and she tucked the warm piece of jewelry into her shirt as he continued staring at her with his soulless eyes, clearly not having lost his intuition along with everything else. It wasn't like she thought he'd care, but despite what had happened to him he was still the man she loved, and she could see that in him and it broke her. "I'm just having a bad day, that's all. We all have them, don't we?"

"Some more than others," his response was automatic, and he turned to look back at the TV. He was silent for quite a time after that, and she almost thought him finished before he began again. "Take it from me, you've got to find a way to deal with what you've got-or, I guess, what you don't got-or else it'll just drive you crazy. It sucks being empty, I know, but you better figure out how to deal."

"I'm sorry it's so hard for you, I know that it is. But I don't need any vices, I have plenty of healthy ways to cope."

"Really? Is that why you still come over here every day? If you ask me, it's not too healthy to keep fawning over the man that used to love you. I get why you're over here, sure, but you've got to really let go or else you're never going to move on."

"That's not fair," Nina moved away from him now, his words embedding into already fragile skin. If only he could know what he had given to her. It was he who had rode into her life on a white horse, her brave knight that picked her up and delivered her from her abusive ex-husband, her perdition. It was only he that could make her feel anything but ugly and invisible. It was he who had saved her life. "My feelings for you have nothing to do with why I'm here, or why I think you need a friend to regularly talk to."

"I'm empty, not stupid. At least let's be honest with one another and stop pretending that we can ever just be friends, and as for the reason you're here, well, let's just say I don't see anyone else stopping by on the regular." Cliff watched her, watched as she looked away and went silent, knowing that he was right. But he wasn't kind enough to let it be-it just wasn't in him. "I know you still love me, that you still wish I'd chosen you over Myrna, I can see it in the way you look at me."

"Stop it." She didn't want him to speak of it any longer. "I meant every word of what I said when I told you I understood why you chose her, and I really don't hold it against either of you. But I can't just cut it off, or pretend like it never happened-because it did. You and me, we were something special for a long time, and it's not something I can just let go of, even if I wanted to. So yeah, you caught me, okay? I do still love you; I'm sure I always will, but I am a survivor-I'll make it through. That's the only hope I have, and somehow I'll find a way to go on-you aren't everything, you can't break me. I'm still alive."