Prophecy: Tome of Magic

9. Dead Is Dead...

The dark storm clouds that blotted out the sun seemed fitting, and Percy and Toby watched together as the lightning struck, born from the grey mass, and rumbled their souls like the thunder. Nina's death still weighed heavily on their minds, and the rain that pelted the window from outside was like the tears that all those who loved her had cried. Yet Toby didn't weep for her-not since that small amount he had when he'd watched her take her final breath. It was simply not in his nature to, and Percy herself was incapable of tears, being of no physical body. They were a good match in that way, in their silent mourning, just like in many others.

"You can't expect me to be open if you won't." Toby was unusually quiet as he reclined in his bed, staring out at the weather. He could see that the ghost was weighed down under some considerable emotion, though for her own personal reasons she had chosen not to unburden. She turned to look at him now.

"What is there to say, for either of us? We already know how we both feel." Percy's response was shallow at best, because she especially knew that there was much more to it for the both of them. Naturally she wouldn't have confessed to him, but she knew that she had been the one to open that door, to instigate the policy of sharing between them, and she did for him what she would do for no other. She was honest. "It's stupid, I know, but I can't seem to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Like, every time one of our friends dies I just can't help but feel guilty-to feel like they were more deserving of a second chance than me. Austin was, and Dill was, and Nina definitely was. But I'm here and they're gone."

"It's not stupid," again he was surprising with his response, portraying a softness that was so unlike himself. Perhaps it was a combination of things-his own loss, his loneliness, his guilt, his desire to hold onto what little he had left. "What did Austin have to say about that?"

"He told me pretty much the same thing, that I deserved another shot, but I can't say that I agree with him. I don't know, as nice as it was, it doesn't change my mind about anything-about myself or the kind of future I have. It seems like more and more I keep thinking on what Blair said." It hadn't been her intention to reveal that last part, but she'd let it slip and she could see that he was curious, so she kicked herself before explaining. "Blair thought that since it was just Andreegys' will that held me here before-and now that he's done with me-she might be able to help me finally move on. Like, permanently."

"You're going to kill yourself again?"

"What? No, it's not like that, I'm already dead."

"Yeah, but you're a little more than just that. It's not about your damn body, it's about the soul-isn't that what everyone's always bitching about? You're, you know, fully aware, you can think and feel and all that shit, right? How's you making the decision to end your afterlife now any different than when you chose to end your life the first time? It's the same thing, if you ask me." The concept was intriguing to him, and he processed it aloud as he shrugged.

"So what if it was?" In response she gave him a simple answer. "Are you judging me? That would be pretty low, considering I haven't judged you. Aren't you just so sick and tired of this life? Of losing everyone that we care about, of having to go through this every single day? Yeah? Well imagine if that's what you had to look forward to for the rest of eternity-without it ever ending. That's what I'm faced with, and I've got to take that seriously."

"Who says you have to make any decisions today? Who says you can't decide to take off five years from now, or ten? Maybe you're just looking at it the wrong way-you keep saying that you feel guilty because you got to keep on living when everyone else had to die, but did you ever think that you were given that for a reason?" Toby scooted to the edge of the mattress. "They were all good people, Dill and Nina and Austin, but you, well, you're a hell of a lot like me. We're both assholes, and we know it. Maybe you were given a second chance so that you could get it right-find redemption. Because you needed it."