Skinny Hips // Ashton Irwin

twenty one // all i could see was ashton

//Annie//

I didn't really remember falling asleep on the couch when I woke up there at 2 in the morning but I let it be, seeing as I seemed to have slept all day I didn't question it.

The room was dark and filled with an eerie feeling, a feeling of uncomfortable-ness, like I shouldn't be there.

Slowly I sat up, pushing the loose strands of messy hair our of my face and stretching ever so slightly before standing and stumbling, almost falling back on to the couch before I caught my balance. Once I was sure I could stand and move without collapsing I made my way towards the kitchen with a shake in my step.

The room was dark and the darkness made me uncomfortable. I shut the door behind me quietly before flicking the light on and then turning back to face the kitchen, fear shooting through me as I gasped and jumped at the sight of a person at at the island, having been sitting in the dark for however long.

The persons face was buried in their arms and their hood was up but I knew it was one of the boys instantly. Slowly and quietly, high on my toes I moved towards the boy, taking a seat at the island across from them. I grabbed their arm and shook lightly, instantly getting their attention as a messy head of curls shot up right at the simple touch of me.

It was Ashton.

Messily, he pushed his hair back, letting his hood fall down in the process. He eyed me, seeming as if for only a moment he didn't know who I was but I could tell the exact moment when everything came back to him, annoyance setting in on his face.

"Hello," he muttered, his voice croaky. He was drunk--no, he was pissed.

"Hi, Ash," I mumbled back. "What are you doing sitting in the dark?"

"I couldn't sleep in here with the light on." He shrugged and rested his chin on his hand.

I laughed. "Well then why didn't you sleep in your bed?"

Now Ashton looked down, his curls hiding his face from me once again. He sighed whilst I waited for him to speak. "I couldn't sleep in there without you." His voice was low, almost a whisper, but I heard ever word.

I was stuck for words. I felt as if my throat had locked. I knew I should apologize but that's just not good enough anymore, it doesn't fix what I did. It wasn't enough.

"I'm sorry, Ashton."

I said it anyway.

He looked up and only now did I notice the tears welling in his bloodshot eyes; he was stoned, too. He stunk of it.

"No, Ashton, don't cry. Please don't cry," I begged, the guilt becoming heavier, a hard feeling setting in on my chest. I couldn't change this. I couldn't fix this. "I'm so sorry."

"You wanna know what the worst part about all of this is, Annie?" Ashton said through soft sobs, finally looking me in the eye. I stared, waiting for him to continue.

"The worst part of it is that I don't hate you. No, actually, I take that back, the worst part of this is that I love you. I fucking love you Annie. I love you and I hate you and I don't know what to do now. You hurt me. Fuck, Annie, you hurt me. I can't be with someone who's going to hurt me again. Not again. Now now, Annie, not with you."

I was crying now, although I knew I shouldn't be. I didn't deserve to be. I stood from my seat and made my way to Ashton's side of the island and stood in front of him as I shook, tears streaming down both our faces. I grabbed his cheeks tenderly and wiped away a stray tear with my thumb, leaning in and pressing my forehead against his.

"One more chance," I whispered, breathing heavily along with him. "All I need is one more chance. I'm not going to do this to you again for as long as I shall live. Just one more chance, Ashton, please."

I spoke slowly, my eyes shut. The moment was intense and sad, but somehow it felt right. It felt like something we needed.

He pulled away ever so slightly and for a moment I believed he was going to tell me to leave and to never ever come back; but he didn't. He did almost the opposite. He leaned in once again but this time, it was to kiss me.

When I closed my eyes to kiss him back, I felt like I was in another world. I felt like this was a dream and when I opened my eyes I'd be back in my room at my mum's house.

But when I felt my legs leave the floor and my eyes shoot open, all I could see was Ashton bringing me to the stairs, bringing me up the stairs, bringing me to his room. But something about this didn't feel the way I wanted it to feel.

He kicked the door shut behind us and led us to his bed, dropping me first before falling down on top of me and connecting our lips again. For a moment, the feeling of uncertainty went away but almost as if it was in a heart beat it was back and I found myself grabbing Ashton's shoulders and holding him back.

"What?" he asked, his face red. "What's wrong? What is it?" 

"You're so drunk, Ashton," I said, smiling sympathetically. I didn't want this to come off as rude in any way.

He laughed, clearly not understanding what I was getting at. "I know, I'm sorry. Try ignore the taste." As soon as he got his words out he leaned back down to kiss me again but again I had to hold him back, my heart beat quickening as the fear of making him upset with me again sunk in.

"What?" he asked, sitting up now. I sat up too, pulling my knees to my chest and sighing.

"Ashton, is this what you're still going to want in the morning when you sober up? Or is this what you want because you're wasted and high and I'm here?"

"What are you saying, Annie? That I'm using you?" I could hear in his voice how offended he was, and this is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

"No!" I exclaimed. "No, that's the opposite of what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that I love you too, Ashton. I love you too and I'm sober and I need to know that you're still going to love me when you're sober too."

Ashton sat still and for a minute I thought he was going to get up and tell me to go home, that he knows he won't love me in the morning and he never loved me at all.

But it never came.

Slowly, he leaned forward, pressing a light kiss on my lips. He held my cheeks with his hands, the size of his palm and length of his fingers almost covering my entire small face.

"Annie," he whispered as he pushed me back again, climbing on top of me. "I will never not love you."

I couldn't find the words to say so instead I grabbed Ashton's face and kissed him harder, sloppier, faster and more loving then I had ever kissed anyone before. 

Everything about the rest of the night was hard, sloppy, fast and loving. His shirt coming off, my shirt coming off, his pants, my pants. Him shutting off the bed side lamp but accidentally knocking it over in the process. Me biting his neck. The sloppy thrusts and the messy "I love you"'s whispered throughout our time in the comfort of each other and the soft sheets of Ashton's bed.