Skinny Hips // Ashton Irwin

twenty three // what could you have done?

//Ashton//

In a circle, Tina sat with about 9 other kids who were riddled with mental illness as I sat in the corner, watching the anxious teens quiver and then watching the door, waiting and praying that Annie would come in any moment.

Five minutes after the starting time and waiting for more to show, Tina began to start the group with a clap. I ignored almost everything she spurted out, not finding any of it interesting whatsoever and instead stared at the door in aspiration. Nothing happened.

It was another ten minutes later of listening to Tina force kids to talk about their trauma when the door to the room opened and Annie stood there. She was soaked from the rain outside, her wet hair falling limp around her shoulders and her clothes sticking tightly to her body. Everyone turned to look at her.

"Sorry," she whispered, "rain. I had to run."

"Annie, we didn't see you last week, it's so nice to have you back!"

She lay in bed for two days straight last week without moving, which is why she couldn't make it. Some days are up and some days are down.

Annie apologized again and took a seat between two girls while continuing to stare down at her wet hands. The group fell silent while Tina started at Annie, waiting for her to notice, but she didn't.

"Annie!" Tina perked up, finally catching the girls attention. Annie stared and waited for Tina to continue talking. "Uh, I remember a couple weeks ago we finished a talk about your father and his friends, would you like to continue on that?"

Instantly fear and annoyance took over me but I could almost see the same for her, yet ten times worse.

Annie scoffed, "I'd rather not, to be honest."

At this Tina laughed, standing and shaking her head. I watched her cross her arms over her chest as she began to walk around the room. "Annie dear, we can't help you here unless you let us, you know that? You need to let us, or this is just a waste of your time."

"This is already a waste of my time," she muttered under her breath, hiding her thoughts from the rest of the group. Tina didn't hear her, thankfully enough.

"Go on, Annie."

"I told you already," she sighed, anger clearly building up. "They did something terrible to me. I'm leaving it at that, if that's okay." Sarcasm lingered on her tongue but Tina didn't seem to notice.

"No, actually, I'd prefer you talked about it."

It was now mine, and everyone else's turn to glare at Tina. Everybody in the room began to grow uncomfortable, aware of what Tina was doing was wrong and unprofessional and honestly, something she could be fired for.

One of the girls sat in the circle, Cass, turned around and caught my attention. I could see the fear in her face, "Do something."

"Annie, I'm speaking to you. I want you to tell us what happened." Tina was now stood behind Annie, her hands resting on Annie's shoulders. She was shaking underneath the woman's grip.

"Tina, I think you need to give it a break, you can't force her to talk," I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I stood up right from the wall I was leaning on and made my way around the room.

"I want to help these kids and none of them will let me!" she exclaimed, almost seeming manic now. "Annie, come on, talk! You need to talk! Talk, Annie!"

"Fucking Hell, Tina, stop it!" I shouted, moving to grab Tina and pull her away from Annie.

The older woman slapped my hands away from her, glaring at me. Her breathing was heavy but she seemed more calm in a sense. "Ashton," she spoke slowly, "I just want to help Annie and all these ill kids." 

With that, she turned to Annie, her eyes fluttering. "Annie, I need you to tell me, or I can never fucking help you."

I watched this play out in front of me. The tears welling in Annie's eyes and she shook while rage took over Tina. The older woman took a knee in front of Annie's, gripping her thigh. Annie tensed up as she stared down at Tina's hand on her leg, unaware of what to do.

Before anyone was expecting it, Tina had screamed, "Tell us, Annie!" in to the girl's tear stained face.

"Fucking Christ!" Annie shouted, standing up abruptly, ignoring her chair tumbling backwards behind her. "I was fucking attacked, is that what you wanted me to fucking say?!"

Her cheeks had turned a deep red and her eyes were becoming bloodshot and her breathing uneven, she looked almost as if she'd be sick from hysterical crying. 

Before anybody could say another word, Annie turned and stormed out of the room. Tina stood still, finally seeming shocked. I tried to stop Annie but she yanked her arm away and continued to walk.

With a sigh, I turned back to the rest of the group and stood beside Tina with a grip on her wrist. 

"Could everyone ring their parents to pick them up now? If you don't have credit, go to reception and ask to use the phone. Group is cancelled for the time being, we'll keep you all updated. Sorry, everyone."

I could see the stress on every kid's face as they all tore out their phones and began dialing numbers. I pulled Tina out of the room and in to the corridor, still holding a stern grip on her wrist.

"Are you fucking crazy?!" I whisper-shouted, rage finally taking over. "You're meant to be the fucking counselor here! You're fucking crazy!"

Tina didn't move. She didn't say a word. Slowly, she took her wrist out of my grip and began to rub up and down her arm, something strange and different from five minutes ago beginning to take over. 

"I'll pack my shit," she whispered, "and then I'm gone."

I waited until Tina and every other kid had been picked up and taken home before locking the door and finally preparing to leave. The moist and wet heat hit me, along with drizzling rain as soon as I stood outside. I stood close to the door under the shelter for a while before deciding I needed a fag before I left. 

As soon as the cigarette touched my lips I finally caught sight of Annie walking towards me, just as soaked as she was when she first entered the room. She too had an unlit cigarette between her lips and as soon as she was close enough I lit mine along with hers. She sighed.

"I'm sorry, Annie," I whispered, completely lost for words. "I don't know what to say. I'm so, so sorry."

She shook her head as she exhaled a cloud of smoke, inhaling another before speaking. "What could you have done? You've nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm sorry that happened to you," I sighed.

"Again," she chuckled, pain evident in her laugh, "what could you have done? Don't apologize."

She nibbled on her nails and I couldn't do anything but stare and smoke, waiting for it to happen. She stared out straight, taking quick and long pulls of her cigarette and then continuing to nibble whilst I continued to stare. 

It took longer than I expected, but I waited. She had almost finished her fag by the time I finally started to notice her shaking, and then her eyes welled up with tears, and then she dropped her cigarette to the floor, dropped her arms by her side and dropped her head, her hair falling around her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around her frail body, and let out a breath before beginning to sob.

I grabbed her and pulled her in to my chest, holding her tight. Not too tight for fear of breaking her, but not to loose for fear of her slipping in to the wind. 

She sobbed in to my shoulder for what felt like days, but it was merely about seven minutes. The moment was cliche. It was raining, and we both stood there, either of us in pain of our own.