The Turn Around.

The After Math.

After my little trick with the run-away attempt, my mother pulled me out of school and ripped me from my social life.

I felt completly and totally alone in the world.

Cutting to help the pain was outof the question.

My mom didn't give me any privacy.

I wasn't even allowed to shower by myself.

My depression hit hard.

My mom invaded every aspect of my life.

I couldn't do ANYTHING without her watching me like a hawk.

It was really quite embarassing, therefore, I didn't even try to do anything social.

But I played it up for my mom just so I could get the freedom that I wanted.

I acted happy and I acted like I was a changed girl and that I had learned so much.

But really all I wanted to do was talk to my Brendan.

When I finally conned my mother into thinking I was emotionally sound, she let me go on a church retreat without her.

It was my first time away from her in MONTHS. And I was SO happy.

One of my friends even brought a computer so I could facebook Bren, and I even got to text him for a while.

I wasn't suposed to be talking to him, but it's not like I gave a crap because he was all I cared about.

After the retreat things got a little bit more normal.

I was allowed to go to church by myself.

I was allowed to sleep in my own bedroom, with the door shut.

And I started to cut yet again, because I missed Brendan so much, and rarely got to talk to him.

It was probably the lowest state of being I have ever experienced in my entire life.

Then cutting turned into thoughts of suicide.

And thoughts turned into considerations.

And considerations turned into a mapped out, thoroughly researched plan of action.

I won't get into my plan to deeply.

But it was pretty twisted.

I had written it down, googled it, gotten everything I needed.

I wanted to ensure that I died if I attempted suicide because if the aftermath of parents finding about cutting was as bad as it was, (and trust me, it was BAD) then a suicide attempt would be 50 times worse.

I was waiting for one more bad thing to happen in my life before I offed myself and ended it all.

And then I met Ben.