(S)olitude

19

August 19, 2078(18:34)

Believe it or not, even when you're rich and famous in life, you have regrets.

In my case, I have more than I realized. And in space, I find it easier to count more and more of them. Each one is more painful then the rest.

I regret my first job. I was a waitress in a "Great Atlantic Sea".That's a restaurant that's filled with old men surrounded by women that their trophy wife's would be upset about. It also had vintage wine older then your mom. Hah!

No one is here to laugh at my genius your mom jokes though.

The name of my college thesis was "Remains of What Was Beautiful". It was based off of that place. I met a lot of actually good people who wore a musk of cologne and scumbag all over their faces.

These people sacrificed their relationships with their wives, even their kids to make it to the top. And it did they regret it.

Billionaire Quentin Lycaster's real name is Steve LeFou. He told me his last name means "the fool" in French. Can you imagine trying to apply for a job with that last name?

So he left it behind. He also left his wife and two kids behind. He said he just felt like it was the right decision to make. I couldn't believe he did that. Neither can he. He didn't even know he had grandkids until last week.

Or a woman who lives a double life. She has two husband and at least on kid on both sides. But unfortunately she had twins from one of them and pretended she was only going to have one kid. That way both husbands thought that one baby was going to be born. In the delivery room, she paid the doctors to say that it was a sea section and that the fathers could not be in the room. Two weeks before the interview at the restaurant, the husbands found each other on social media and did a test to see which one was the father of the twins.

Neither of them was the father.

She was completely bankrupt after the divorces. She came to buy a 4,000 bottle of wine and drink the whole thing. She did it because she said it was the last luxury she wanted to experience.

She killed herself later that night.

It moved my professors. They couldn't believe that I had interviewed people at a restaurant for my college thesis and yet I made it so beautiful.

Now I'm here. I'm one of those people. Rich, entitled, perfect.

So what does that make me then?

Am I the man who ran away from his wife and kids for money. Or the woman who spent all her money for one last bottle of vintage wine and would rather die than go without luxury.

Both of them couldn't live without luxury and and would give everything up in order for it to happen.

But I don't want luxury.

I think that all I ever wanted was to be around people. I guess know that I have taken that for granted. That I broke up with my boyfriends and felt disconnected with my family and friends. All because I wanted to have attention.

Realizing this has changed me. If I could go back to earth and tell everyone how sorry I was, I would.

But, I feel lonely. Not just because I'm in space. I'm isolated with my thoughts so I'm forced to realize my mistakes and all of the things I should have done.

I should have found out what happened to Howard's daughter because I could have done something. Instead of thinking of Collins as a butler, maybe I should have thought of him as a person.

And who am I to judge Howard? He sacrificed everything to get me to the top!

This place is slowly starting to act like an empty mental torture chamber. People are hurting me without actually doing anything. I want to go back but, I can't.

8 more months of this? It's easier said than done for sure.

Boredom for a celebrity is like starving an animal.

And if people don't like you. Or you start to fade away, you start to go crazy.

That's just the way fame works I guess. No one stays famous forever. But I've never known anyone who wants to stop.

I keep waiting for something climactic to happen. But, nothing does.

It's like I don't care about anything or think about anything. If no one is there when you think, are you really thinking alone by yourself? What's the differecence from thinking about something when it's not there and when it is.

I remember when I was a kid, I had a doll. I would never think at all. If I had something to say that I didn't want to say aloud I would tell my doll.

Then one day I grew up and started thinking without the comfort of it. But, one day I though about a lion in a pit at the zoo without telling my doll. I was too tired to tell them.

I dropped the doll into the pit. My parents just moved me away from the pit and I just did nothing. I think it's because I realized that when something loses its purpose it gives up on trying.

Like me. But, I still think like a normal person. Just because I'm in space that doesn't make me any less human. I'm just alone with my thoughts.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts anymore.

Have you ever wanted something back? And you would do anything for it?

Well, I'd dive into a lion's pit for someone to talk to me. Just like my doll.