(S)olitude

17

(September 17, 2078)

I don't think that people know how unfair the world can be until they're a million miles away from it. The time it takes to reflect when you have nothing makes you realize how back home you have nothing.

Under the weight of this utopia there are people like me who have nothing. People think that we have everything at our command. Love, hope, a bright future. But a bright future means nothing to a person who feels unsatisfied with it.

It's never enough for me. Nothing is when I come back home, I'll work my ass off in meetings and promotions for my company and I'll still feel worthless.

Because people only love me for my work. I have to keep that. Because without my money, my company, or my studies, I'm just a normal person who feels as vulnerable as anyone else. Without that, I have no love.

Which is why I do as much as I can. I go above expectations so everyone knows me. If everyone knows me, I don't have to be afraid of people forgetting me when I die.

"Don't be so hard on yourself kid! Cheer up. I've never been hard on myself and look at how I turned out!"

Yeah, look at how he turned out. That sure comforts me.

He always says things like that but, any advice really doesn't mean anything coming from him. I know better than to listen to him. Collins always says that the day he says something smart, something will be wrong with him.

A lot of sayings aren't true, no matter what people say.

I know that because I'm the smartest person in deep space right now(only) my point is valid to myself at most.

And my advice is true.

Love is earned. No matter what people say. Because love is something you can get rid of.

And I'm the best at keeping it.

I sound narcissistic. But, I wish It didn't have to be this way.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone. Now that I'm so far out in space I see it.

I don't miss anyone, but I'm clinging to these memories to stay motivated.

I wish I loved someone when so many people love me.

A couple months and I'm already going crazy. Like a sick movie. Like I needed to be an actress. Like I really...

I'm training off into thoughts of nothing again. I guess it's because I'm scared that if I focus on my loneliness and all these thoughts of never loving anyone, it'll get to me. Maybe it's better if I only think of happy things.

Yes, now here's a memory. My first hover bike was given to me my best friend Sammy. We rode in cycles around our neighborhood because our parents wouldn't let us leave for our safety.

Sammy told me that we'd always be friends one day. And that was the day I decided to be rebellious. So, we left our neighborhood without permission, despite my sister's calls we kept going.

Eventually we were lost and we didn't know what to do. He was comforting me and eventually we stumbled agains a building. It look like something ancient. Maybe built in the 2000s.

We stood there and saw bright lights flashing. Something sparkled in his eyes. I could tell something in there had changed them.

Men walked out in hazmat suits and saw me crying as Sammy stood by me. They let us in and gave us something to eat. They had a hologram and some hover boards. We played indoors while we waited for our parents to arrive.

I was concerned with the cool chemicals we saw while Sammy looked in awe at men coming in and out of a machine in metal suits.

The machine didn't have a name, it just read "You must look to the painful
past to improve your future"

We didn't know what it meant until we realized it was a prototype Time Machine.

Sammy dedicates his life to working in the Time machine. Improving it, fixing it. He loves it more than life.

At least, that's according to the internet. He doesn't have time for me with his job. And I don't have time for him with mine.

I always wondered what it would be like

A world where people prefer other people over money.

I mean that law doesn't apply to me. People worship me and I still get money.

But, I wish things were simpler. If I had the choice to take back the accomplishments I've given humanity and just live a normal life, then I would.

I don't think I've ever openly admitted that before. That I would take back my accomplishments.

I think I'd take them back just for chance to go home.

I stop thinking for a moment and look at the cold husk of a place I sleep in for the past few months.

Thinking like it's my last year to live.

Looking out the window into an unforgiving black.

Looking for something in my past memories.

Something that should be easier because I'm up here.

Then why the hell has it become so hard to look back at my own life when I'm all alone?