Poems of Death

A letter to My Chemical Romance (RANT)

This part isn't exactly poetry.
But it's important to me.
My favorite band is My Chemical Romance. They have brought me a lot of strength in many times of my life.

When I was 12, I escaped attempted rape and lived each week in the grip of a pedophile that sexually harassed me. Everyday when I came home, I would forget the things he did to me. I never told my mom.
Then we moved. I would never see him again. And I completely forgot everything. But that dark pain and fear continued to live inside me. It festered and boiled, and I convinced myself that I was depressed over nothing. I believed I was weak. I became reclusive and stopped talking to people. And when I stopped talking to people, I turned to music.
I don't know what made My Chemical Romance stand out to me. I listened to many other bands: Linkin Park, Blue October, Evanescence, etc. I wasn't into mainstream rock yet. I later learned of and now love Fallout Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty Øne Piløts (my second favorite band) and many others. But at the time, it was the one that spoke to me most deeply. Even now, I don't know why. Simply his voice sinking into my chest and squeezing my heart, bringing me to feel deep and real emotions, kept me sane for so long. My new bestfriend happened to like their music, too, from what he had heard anyway. I was friends with him for a long time.
During this time, I learned more about depression, too. I learned about self-harm. I began to cut myself, hoping the depression would go away. But that only made the anxiety that hid inside me emerge. My suffering grew stronger and now I was addicted to pain. I was looking for anything to escape this, to feel strong again. I didn't understand why I was so weak. I only found strength in music.
I immersed myself in Gerard Way. I learned everything about him that I could on the internet. I covered myself in obsession and it made me feel happy to know so much about someone who made me so happy (although I realize my internet-stalking skills were over-the-top, I found learning something new gave me a rush and made me happy). My Chemical Romance wasn't only my favorite band, they were my favorite people.
Eventually, I remembered what happened to me when I was 12. It was around a year later that I remembered. I listened to music for a week and stayed mostly silent. I was thinking, or rather trying not to think. I told my bestfriend. But what could I do? What could he do?
Then we were thrust into high school. I had my first boyfriend. No one had ever wanted to date me, or had never expressed it, and I was desperate to feel loved. A lot of times, even to this day, my memory is messed up, but I remember him liking My Chemical Romance. Not as much as me of course. I've never met anyone who loves them like I do. And then, of course, he broke up with me, and I cried. I hurt myself. I fell back into depression and listened to my music as loud as I could to drown out my thoughts. I believed more than ever that I was worthless and easy to throw away. I hoped I could meet Gerard Way one day to distract myself, but knew it would never happen. I didn't plan on living past high school.
We went back to visit people in Texas one christmas break. We went to visit my childhood pedophile. And I said nothing during the planing of this, only listened to my music. I believed I could find peace if I fought through this, so I fought the fear for months and learned every word to ever My Chemical Romance song. I made art and shut my mouth. I went to Texas and I came back knowing I was stronger than I believed. Maybe not that strong, but still stronger.
When I started dating my second (and current) boyfriend, I nearly cried of joy when I learned he had heard their music. He sang Mama occasionally and once sang the Black Parade. He knew how much I love the band, and occasionally expressed that he was even jealous of how much I love them. Nonetheless, nothing really could stop the rush of adrenaline-ridden happiness I felt hearing their music.

And then I lost someone very important in my life.

My bestfriend said that he hated me, and I fell into one of my deepest depressions. I went home and finally found the guts to pull the pills off of my medicine cabinet shelf. I listened to music and ignored my boyfriend's texts all day. Everytime a song played, I would swallow another pill.

Then Helena came on.

I stopped. I listened to it. And again. And I decided if I was going to do this, I had to tell my boyfriend myself. If I couldn't face him he might blame himself. I wanted him to be happy. I knew he wouldn't want me for long, but I loved him a lot. I loved him more than anyone and he was all I had. Sometimes I still believe he's all I have. I couldn't wait for school to come back in so I told him what I was doing over text. He begged me to stay with him, and eventually his desperate pleas convinced me not to leave him.
I did continue to hate myself. And in a few ways, I still do. I blame myself for so many things, and my boyfriend works to sooth me. I try to be more greatful of him, although he never asks me to. He's stayed with me for two years, longer than anyone who isn't related to me, who isn't forced to. I love him and know that I always will.
I love My Chemical Romance. When I had nothing, when I was lost, when I was finding myself, when I didn't know what to do, when I fell apart. I've always loved them, and they have always been there. I know they always will. The sound of Gerard's voice cracking in pain when he sings sad songs, or sometimes growing stronger as if he is always fighting harder, still brings tears to my eyes. It's my dream to meet Gerard Way and he inspires me to write my own music. I doubt I will ever have the honor to meet him, but it's a dream I find worth hanging on to. Maybe one day I can thank him.
My Chemical Romance gave me the courage to fight. My Chemical Romance gave me the strength to keep moving forward. My Chemical Romance will forever live in my heart.