Random Thoughts

Appearances and Disorders

I dislike mine!

My mother was glad that I didn't have self-esteem issues (lies) and so I was down and out of it all day.

One of the main issues about my life (appearance wise) is that everyone compares me to people completely different from me. I'm either compared to someone with the same body type but is shorter/taller than me or I'm compared to someone the same height as me but has a different body type than me. It's a little saddening because then I'm given impossible and/or unhealthy expectations.

I'm not fat, but I'm not tiny either. Surprisingly, most of my weight(mass) comes from muscle! I'm not much of a fighter, in fact, my skin is sensitive and my bones are a little weak, but I definitely could beat the shit out of someone because of how strong I am (muscle wise).

Weight is something you shouldn't focus on too much. Still care about it, just don't let it ruin your life and all the happiness(this word makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason) you could achieve.

Quick note on eating disorders! There's anorexia and bulimia. Well some people starve, binge, purge. I call this.......Anobulixia (anna - bull - iks- ee - uh)!! Or  Anobulixic. I don't have an eating disorder for a few reasons.
1. Starving myself is very difficult since my parents seem to keep a close eye on if I'm eating or not
2. Not eating for a while doesn't ruin my ability to focus, but rather my ability to sleep. I already have insomnia so not being able to sleep because I haven't eaten makes it very difficult for me to either stay up while in my 7th period/class or while I try and do around 5hrs of homework (geez...)
3. I have an extremely weak gag reflex (sometime I doubt I have one). I can put two fingers down my throat and I'll gag a little but I don't throw up. I get ill often so recently I've tried inducing vomiting. Nothing. I drank a cup of warm water mixed with 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt and yeah sure I gagged a bit while drinking it, but I still haven't thrown up and its been hours!!
4. Like mentioned before, drinking things or taking meds that are supposed to induce vomiting, don't work for me. I feel awful sometimes(more like all the time. Ha.....) And just want to vomit, but no. Don't vomit!
5. Binging makes me sick. I know bulimia is you throw it up after you binge....but just binging in general makes me want to stab my stomach continuously and die.
6. I don't eat a lot. That makes being anorexic a little easier, but its almost impossible for me to force myself to eat (bulimia).
7. Starving myself makes throwing up easier. Bulimia is binge, then purge, but no! I starve and then purge! Please kill me.... I guess that would be a version of anobulixia? No, nvm.

Well I wrote this on an empty stomach...Anyways!

Ciao and Annyeong~!