Amnesia

C24: Awake

I woke up under the soft feeling of flannel pajama pants. Steve's favorites.

I guess I was sitting in his lap.

He was playing with my hair and sniffling when I looked up at him.

Was Steve crying?

"He's awake." He groggily called out to Natasha.

"Good. But is he Bucky?"

Is he Bucky?

I looked up at Steve and traced his face with my fingers. There was a bruise under his jawline and a streak of blood down his ear. I touched them each gingerly and started to get up out of his lap.

"Oh my god." I said pushing the hair out of his eyes.

"Oh my god." I held my other hand up to the other side of his face.

I sat in front of him and investigated his face, looking at the echoing bruises an eventful night had left behind. His face shifted from hand to hand as he kept his eyes closed while I looked.

"No... No. No. No."

His eyes opened slowly.

"Oh my god." I felt my heart dropping.

"Buck..." He started to whisper.

"I did this to you."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I hurt you." I felt a tear drop down my cheek.

"I hurt you."

"My Stevie."

"No." More tears started falling. I didn't try to stop them.

His hands closed around my wrists which were still on his face.

"I'm a monster."

"Oh my god."

"I hurt my baby."

"No. No no no."

He pulled at my wrists and dropped them from his face. I didn't look up at him again, I couldn't if I tried.

"Hey hey it's okay..." His voice echoed as he held onto my hands with his own.

I didn't deserve this.

I'm a monster.

I deserved to be hurt.

I deserved to be in pain.

"Please hit me. Hit me back. Please." I pleaded.

"Bucky, no." His voice was so gentle.

"What have I done?" I started shaking as the tears filled my face.

"Natasha can you leave the room please?" Steve turned to her.

"Sure. I'll go get some coffee."

"What have I done? What have I done?" I was shaking harder now.

"Shhh... stop. It's okay Bucky."

I heard the door close.

"I thought I was better..."

"It's okay." He raised his hands up to my face.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

His hands held my face in the most careful way. I leaned into them, into the familiar warmth and comfort he gave. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve him.

What kind of person tries to kill the one they love?

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't ever be sorry for what Hydra did to you. It's not your fault."

"Yes it is."

"No... it's not." He said wiping away some tears that were reaching the brim of my cheeks. "I will never blame you for this. Ever. Do you understand that Bucky? It wasn't you."

I stayed quiet. I knew this was my fault, but who was I to argue with this angel in front of me who was willing to set that all aside?

"You deserve better than me." I whispered.

"And you deserve the world." He gently smiled.

"Stop." I said pulling his hands down.

He should hate me. He should leave me. Why am I still here? Why is he still here?

"Bucky..."

"Why are you doing this? Why don't you hate me? Why do you even care about me? I'm a monster, Steve. All I do is cause you pain and..."

"It's worth it." He interrupted.

"Getting hurt is worth it?!"

"It is when you love somebody." He looked up at me.

For the first time since I woke up, I actually looked at him again. The world was silent. The only noise was the voices in my head telling me to run, but god help me if I listened to them.

"Steve...I..." My gaze started wandering around the room.

"No. Listen to me." He said shifting my face back towards him. "I love you. Nothing is ever going to change that. I forgive you. Did you hear that? I forgive you...Now forgive yourself."

"It's not that easy." I stifled out.

"Yes it is. Say it with me: I..."

"I"

"James Buchanan Barnes..."

"Really?"

"Do it."

"James Buchanan Barnes" I sighed.

"Solemnly forgive myself for the injury of Steven Grant Rogers."

"Semi forgive myself for hurting my baby Stevie."

"Close enough." He sighed.

He pushed back my hair and wiped the few last tears from my face. I closed my eyes and appreciated his touch although I would never tell him that. His hands were soft and smooth as they traced my jawline, a habit he had grown quite often to do.

God, I love him so much.

"You're so strong." He whispered pushing a strand back behind my ear.

"I'm so sorry."

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

"I know."

I grabbed onto his hand and held it in my lap, as I tried to retract the tears on my face. Well more like tried and failed. I ran my fingers along the creases in his palm and the veins that made their way up his smooth skin. I envied his perfection. He was the one person I knew who was beautiful on the inside and out.

He was perfect.