The backstage area is bustling with activity. People are running around from the stage to the piles of gear and back again. I scan the room. No Ryan. Must be in his dressing room.
I'm not concerned. This is going to be so much fun. I locate a back corner away from the door. Just the perfect amount of shadows. I walk slowly feeling like a ghost. No one looks at me. My plan is flawless.
"10 minutes til doors. Look alive everyone!" Vicky. She looks great. So in her element here. The perfect band mom long before she ever became a mother herself. I would go over to her if it wouldn't ruin my surprise.
The support band I've never heard of starts moving towards the stage. Too early guys. You're not going on for another 45 minutes. I look around. Someone should tell them this. Don't they have a manager or something? I keep scanning the room. No one cares. Fuck it. Then I don't care either. Stand there at the ready until your legs collapse under you. Kids. They'll learn.
Commotion coming from the hallway that I assume leads to the dressing rooms. I know that sound. It means the star is coming. I love that sound.
I stand up straighter. Getting ready. My excitement building from the pit of my guts. He is going to be so shocked. I feel my smile getting larger. Pull it back. There. Smaller. Shyer. I got this.
A lanky guy emerges from the hallway cackling. He's such a little dude. Shorter than me, for sure, and his arms and legs look too long for his body. He stops and just stands there, laughing. He's not making any sound as his laugh takes him over. He looks ridiculous. A tight guns and roses tshirt and black jeans. A red flannel shirt tied around his waist. Is he wearing combat boots? Pick an era, man! It's like hair metal and grunge have fucked his body so hard that he can't remember what year it is. This guy is a joke so why is he the one laughing?
More cackling from the hallway. I know that laugh. I keep my smile. Ryan. My Ryan. And in a few seconds he will see me and it will be amazing.
Ryan runs right into the laughing kid and flings himself on his back. Still laughing. They straighten up and high five.
Motherfucker. Is that Josh?
Josh is real? Angry was right?
I can't do this. I'm not supposed to see this.
Josh and Ryan are carrying on like there's no one else in the room. Isn't that OUR thing? My hands ball into fists at my sides. My smile long gone and a sickening feeling taking over my stomach.
"Brendon?"
Yeah, call me Brendon one more time.
Ryan rushes over and stops just outside the place he would be too close.
"What are you doing here?" his voice inquisitive.
"Surprise" I say. I sound bored. This is the opposite of my plan.
Ryan looks flustered. He looks around the room then back at me "Hey" he smiles.
"Yeah, Hey" looking right into his eyes, searching. Is that guilt? Why are you so guilty, Ryan? Have I caught you doing something? Someone? Josh?
It's like Josh heard his name in my head because the next second he's standing with us. "Brendon Roscoe. So fucking cool to meet you man!" His hand extends toward me and I shake it as an afterthought.
"Yeah. It's me" no smile this time. This is not a fan. THIS is the enemy.
Ryan looks between us, shakes his head, and remembers where he is. "Oh yeah, Brendon, this is Josh. Josh, this is Brendon, my..."
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
"Boyfriend" I finish for Ryan. Ryan looks shocked. Fucker, it's 1991. No one cares if you're gay anymore. Get over yourself.
Josh looks surprised. What, Ryan didn't tell you? We've been for together 12 years. Fuck it, 17 years because even when we weren't together, we were still together. Josh, were you even BORN 17 years ago?
"That's cool." Josh looks at Ryan like Ryan is holding the other half of the message he's missing.
I look between them. "Yes Josh. It is cool" my eyes locking to Ryan's. I shake my head. Disgusted. Disappointed.
I watch as Ryan's walls go up. That's it. Lock me out. Turn on the rockstar act. I caught you, asshole.
Ryan's voice is light "Let's go hang out in the dressing room, catch up". Smiles. Oblivious. He says it more to Josh than me.
My turn to be shocked. Where is the venom? Be the conceited rockstar. I know that guy. I can handle that guy. In this moment, I don't think I know Ryan at all.
They start walking back towards the hallway and I can feel my world crumbling as I follow.
