I hide in his dressing room during the show. I don't want to talk to anyone.
Maybe Josh is Ryan's assistant or his guru or his acupuncturist. Maybe I'm being jealous for no reason. He wouldn't leave me. I'm being stupid. I'll apologize when he comes back. I'll make everything good again.
The door opens and Ryan enters the room silently. He round the couch and pulls off his sweat covered shirt and tosses it on the counter running along the wall. He doesn't look at me.
He takes my breath away. Still.
I want to get up from this couch and go over to him. Run my hands over his chest. Press my lips against his and feel the electricity take over my body. I can't even remember why I was mad anymore.
Josh pushes the door open wider "You guys ready to go?"
Yuck. I remember.
Ryan pulls a clean shirt over his head, picks up the dirty one, and pushes it into his bag. Looks around the room at everything but me. "Yeah, tell Vicky to get the rest of the shit on the bus". He walks towards the door and stops. "You coming?" He doesn't turn around before walking out.
The ride to the hotel is silent. The three of us in the back of a Lincoln Town Car sitting far too close together. Why is Josh even in this car? I look at Ryan but he doesn't look back. I slump farther into the seat.
Thankfully the hotel is only minutes from the venue even if the ride over felt like 3 years have been shaved off my life. We exit the vehicle and enter the hotel.
"I'll catch up with you guys later then" Josh finally breaking the silence. Ryan grunts in his general direction before pushing the button for the elevator. Josh walks toward the bar.
The doors close and we're alone again. "So, you're ignoring me now" I say softer than I realize.
Ryan pulls his fingers through his hair and stares up at the ceiling. "I'm too tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Can we just go to bed?". He looks at me. He looks soft, almost sleepy. I don't know what I feel anymore.
The doors open and I follow him down the hall. He puts the key card in the slot in the door, moves the handle, and walks inside holding the door for me.
I enter the room and look around.
There.
My heart stops.
The bed.
The bed is unmade.
I can't breathe.
Why would he bring me here? Why would he want me to see what he did?
I walk towards the couch and put my hand on the back. I need to steady myself. This isn't happening. He did not bring me to their temporary love nest and expect me to sleep in the sheets they rolled around in.
Everything inside me breaks right then.
He cheated. He's doesn't care that I know. He's found someone else. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me.
I can't stand. I'm going to fall on the floor. I hold my breath, bend my waist, and run my hands down my thighs.
I look up at Ryan and I can't read his face.
It's over.
This is what dying feels like. My throat is closing. My body flashes between boiling hot and iced cold in milliseconds. I want to stop breathing. I want to be dead.
I can feel the sob building from the deepest part of my soul. Creeping slowly through my guts, getting larger, growing stronger, filling my chest and cutting off my breath.
What is that sound? It sound like someone dying?
Oh god. That's me! That sound is coming from me!
My body racks with sorrow. My eyes feel sewn shut. I can't think. I can't speak. It takes over every part of me.
Hands. Arms. I feel them cover me. Ryan.
I choke out the only word I can remember. The only word spinning in my head on repeat.
"No"
