There is something about hiding in plain sight that I will never tire of. The way the shadows cover me. How my sunglasses hide my eyes even after the sun has gone down. They don't see me. If they did, they wouldn't be sitting in a circle looking bored out of their minds.
I like being famous. I like the fans and signing my name on their posters and cds. I like the way their eyes light up when they see it's me coming off a stage or a bus. It's love. I know it. And I love them back. He doesn't get it. I've tried to find the words to explain it a million times but I fail. He can't see it. The way the colors change when the kids come up to me and tell me that my song has saved them. That my words were so profound they tattoo them on their skin. Love.
Ryan knows love. We taught each other that. He loves Spencer and Suzie and Sisky. He loves Cassie and Jon. He doesn't say it but I can see it when he's near them. They are our family. But the fans? He wrote the line in the sand between him and them too long ago.
A girl stands up from the circle, stretching her arms over her head, her Followers shirt too snug on her large body. "Are these doors ever going to open?" she whines, exhausted, and I know she's been here since early morning. Arriving in the dark to sit on hard concrete all day just to be next to the stage at some venue in St. Louis, Missouri. I love her. Freddie was right. Fat Bottom Girls really do make the rockin world go round.
"Sit down Therese. We still have 30 more minutes". Their leader? She is bigger than Therese with a deep scowl on her face. I don't love her as much.
Therese stares her down. Maybe Therese is the leader? "I just want to see Ryan Ross! I'm tired of waiting" she whines louder.
I silently laugh. Me too, kid, me too.
The angry one starts again "Not like he'd want you"
The nerve of this one. I am starting to hate her.
Therese rolls her eyes, continuing with her stretching "God, I KNOW that. He doesn't even like girls like that". Her eyes roll again and she smiles.
What?
The girls in the circle all nod their head in silent acknowledgement.
Therese starts again "But I don't care. I love him. I'll always love him"
Adorable. This kid right here. These 90's kids are so much more progressive than I realized. I want to hug her but the shadows are still too inviting.
The chorus of kids on the ground murmur sounds of agreement.
The angry one stands up. "Not you!". She groans and continues "Ryan has a dude. I saw him. He's been following him on this tour. I thought he was a roadie at first but at the Chicago show he was just walking around doing nothing so..."
She stops right there like the conclusion is obvious. My heart stops.
What dude?
It's like she can hear my thoughts "His name is Josh and I'm pretty sure he's Ryan's boyfriend. I saw him get on the bus in Cleveland with him. And he's here. Saw him when Amy and I went to go find food a few hours ago. He has tour laminates and everything." She sits back down. Smug in her secret knowledge being shared. One of the circle kids, Amy?, nods furiously. "Yep. I was there. I SAW him". She looks thrilled to be included in Angry's story. Angry is definitely the leader.
A beat. Silence gets so loud I can't hear my own thoughts. Who is Josh? I don't know any Josh. Ryan never mentioned a Josh.
I think back to the day he left for this tour. Just a short jaunt through the Midwest.
3 weeks. A blip on the radar really. But my tour was done and I was looking forward to a few months together at home.
"Vicky booked it. I couldn't say no" Ryan had said like it was nothing.
There had been no tour planned in our last phone call. I remember now. We made plans for the hiatus. Do some cleaning. Take a quick trip. Talk about getting some work done on the house. No tour. He never said tour.
Then the morning he was due to leave, he kissed me and said, "Bye Brendon". Just like that. Like he was running out for a few minutes and would be right back.
He called me Brendon.
And he smiled as he left.
He hates touring. I know he hates touring. But he smiled.
Josh.
I'm going to be sick. I can't breathe. This is not happening. This can't be happening.
I cough. Loud. Trying to find the oxygen that has left the air. Take off my sunglasses and rub my eyes.
The kids turn to look at me.
Fuck.
