"God, I'm so nervous. Can you just- can you kiss me again?"
I nod, moving in to brush my lips over his. His hand moves cautiously to my cheek as his lips part for me. I control the kiss to keep it slow, more to reassure him than to turn him on.
I pull back gently, "Better?"
His eyes flutter open, "Yeah". A timid smile appearing.
He looks small, his breathing slightly labored. I can feel the tension as I run my fingers over his arm, slowly roaming from his elbow to his shoulder and back again. Somehow, I'm the one providing all the comfort. The irony isn't lost on me.
His body is near ridged as he begins. "Okay. I can do this." he says more to himself than to me. "Let me say this first" he says looking back to me, "I am not in love with Josh." His tone has a finality in it that warms me, makes me feel safe again.
He exhales, "You remember how close Spence and I were?" he says, pensively.
I nod. Best of friends. It took Spencer awhile to be cool with me but once he was, he became family to me too.
"Well," he sighs, "Life gets in the way and..."
And I know what he means. Ryan and Spencer have not so much drifted apart, more that time and distance has taken it's toll on their connection.
"What does that have to do with Josh?" I ask, not sure where he is going with this.
"Spencer is someone's dad. He doesn't want to come on tour with me and jump down hallways and throw things from roof tops. Josh makes me feel young and he likes it when I do stupid shit. Thinks I'm hilarious. All we DO is laugh. That guy." Ryan smirks, shaking his head, lost in a memory, "He will do anything for a laugh."
I can feel the jealousy burning in my guts. I try to shake it off. That emotion has no place in our sacred space.
I inhale sharply, attempting to center myself again, "Is that why he kissed you? For a laugh?" I can't help the twinge of uneasiness in my voice nor the fear I know is obvious on my face.
"Bren", he says softly, pulling me closer to him. I bury my face in his neck, burrow into him. His hand rubbing small circles on my bare back. He plants a kiss in my hair, "It's okay, it's okay" he repeats over and over again.
I don't want to talk anymore. I want to stay right here, buried in him.
"Hey." He moves away, lifting my chin to look at him again, "we're okay." he soothes.
I bite my lip and nod at him. I want to believe him. I do. But my brain is filled with unanswered questions. As much as I want to just hide, I know that I'm not going to feel any better until I hear everything he has to say.
I grit my teeth, preparing for the worst, "Just tell me what happened. How did it start, how did it get to that level?"
Ryan slides back, adjusting the pillow to raise his head, loosening his grip on my back and moving his hand to my hip, "Okay, here's the whole story. On the last tour, I was lonely. I missed you. We kept missing each other's calls. Remember?"
I do.
"And I was thinking about what you said, about the fans and the color changing and love and all that."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, so I thought, I miss you but you're not there so maybe I'll go out and talk to fans. Like go see if I can feel what you feel, like a way to be close to you even though you were far away."
I cock an eyebrow at him, "That doesn't sound like you..."
"I know, I know, but I really missed you. I was desperate. I would have tried anything."
