"C'mon, I have bus call in," Ryan turning his head to focus on the red glowing numbers on the bedside clock radio, "6 hours".
I wish I could just let it go. Two o'clock in the morning and neither of us have slept well in the nights leading up to tonight. He needs to sleep. I need to sleep.
I shake my head, I'm never going to sleep.
"It's fine" I say, doing my best to pretend that all of this isn't consuming my thoughts.
Ryan picks up on that right away. It doesn't surprise me. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes.
He shifts to his side, propping himself up. Sighing, "Okay, let's clear the air so we can go to bed". The twinge of annoyance leaves me feeling even more unsettled.
"Really, it's fine." I lie. And I don't know why I bother. Every part of me is telling him how obviously fine I'm not.
Ryan moves to sit on the bed, fingers running through his hair. "Alright, so we're not sleeping tonight." annoyance growing. And I feel like an ass. Like a bratty child.
I focus on the bedspread, picking at the seams. Make believe that I can see the stitches much better than I can in the dark. I can feel him looking at me but I don't stop my obsession with bed cover fabric.
"Josh is like a pet monkey".
I'm laughing before I even meet his gaze. "What?" I manage to choke out between gasps.
Ryan is almost more amused than me, taking over his body, "MONKEY!" He chokes out.
Our laughter covers every corner of the room.
I wipe my eyes and try to catch my breath. God, I can't remember when I last laughed that hard. Or Ryan for that matter. I try to compose myself, huge grin still on my face, "monkey."
We both burst out again, nearly soundless, as it racks through both of us. He falls down on top of me, and I wrap my arms around his middle. I fucking love this man.
It takes more than a minute for us to calm down. I take even more time just to relish the way he feels against me. So happy. So contented. I hug him tighter.
Ryan raises his head and looks right into my soul. I can't help the urge to kiss him. Open. Passionate. He kisses back harder. And it's everything.
"Don't go home tomorrow" he whispers against my lips, before diving in deeper. The kiss takes over my body. I bite his bottom lip, "Okay" I whisper back.
He pulls back right then, thrilled with a hint of amazement. Of course I will stay. I would do anything for him.
"There are 2 empty bunks on the bus, you can call Mike and change your ticket. Leave from Iowa instead." Adding softly, "you can see that there is nothing to worry about with Josh."
I chew on my bottom lip. Josh. I had almost forgotten that he existed.
I can't help the ache that burns through me again. "Josh". My voice sounds so small.
Ryan sighs, "C'mon, not again". Falling to lay on his back. Staring at the ceiling. Defeated.
I curl up to him, my head on his chest. His arm wraps around my waist. I run my hand up and down his side before settling on his hip, giving a light squeeze. I look at him expectantly.
The openness has returned to his eyes. He takes my earlobe between two fingers and rubs gently, "Okay, I'm just going to say it. I figured you would think it was stupid. That having a friend to hang around with was something I needed. Because you don't need anyone. You have your band but it's as if you're better being on your own.".
